New Member

Please join me in welcoming Richard Long to LCCC. Sponsored by Tim Unverzagt, Dick is professor emeritus of the John Holmes School of Cinematography at Tarrant County Community College, and a Member in Good Standing with the Irving Chamber of Commerce. Among other things, he carries an eight handicap. Welcome, Dick!

Reading The Greens: Ben Hogan - An American Life

During the 1977 U.S. Open at Southern Hills, sportswriter Dave Anderson asked Tommy Bolt to compare the careers of Jack Nicklaus and Ben Hogan, two golfers who dominated previous decades of professional golf. Bolt's response was immediate. "Well, "I've seen Nicklaus watch Hogan practice. I've never seen Hogan watch Nicklaus practice".

The author, James Dodson, has written a book that I consider on of the best I've ever read, irrespective of genre, and will give any reader a heightened appreciation for the incredible adversity Hogan faced in life, and the legendary work ethic that made him a champion.

Click here for a summary of the book and ordering information from Amazon.com.

From The Tips

Though the red tees can look inviting at this time of year, when soggy conditions virtually eliminate any roll on tee shots, Bill Douglas has asked me to remind everyone that these tees are for women only. Thanks to Jim Welch for providing the following video that reminds us of the often painful consequences of playing from the red tees.

Coyote Ugly

We had another coyote sighting on the course yesterday, with an aggressive male tracking Gil all the way up #9, likely attracted by the scent of his Hai Karate after shave. As roadrunners tend to be scarce in North Texas during the winter, maintaining a brisk walking pace is important so as not to allow one of these wily creatures to bring you down.

Please see the following video, provided courtesy of Acme Productions, which provides helpful survival techniques when confronted with a particularly aggressive coyote.

Renovations

The Hosel Rocket has learned that Ron Woolard recently received an unsolicited bid from a member on the old porcelain fixtures from the course restrooms, removed during the renovation of the facilities. Ron plans to apply these funds to reduce the costs of the project, and has asked all golfers to refrain from using the "porcelain al fresco" until said member (who has asked to remain anonymous) can retrieve his new possessions.

EPA Advisory

While fish can be a lean, low-calorie source of protein, some may contain high levels of certain chemicals that could pose health risks to humans.

Recent tests by the EPA, City of Irving, and Long John Silver's restaurants have confirmed that fish caught in the pond adjacent to the 17th green have been found to have unusually high levels of propanol, butanol, and redass #12, the primary chemicals found in red Sharpie Markers. Until the source of the contamination is confirmed, the Friday Night Fish Fry will be discontinued until further notice.

Over The Hills (& Far Away) - Ponte Vedra Beach, FL

At the request of his representatives from IMG, The Hosel Rocket sent its roving legal correspondent, Charles Hardy, Esq., to last Friday's Tiger Woods news conference at PGA Tour Headquarters.

Though denied the opportunity to ask questions during this made for TV event, Charles enjoyed a nice lunch with Tiger's mom, swapped legal opinions with ESPN legal analyst Roger Cossack, and squeezed in a quick 18 with Notah Begay, Tim Finchem, and Tiger himself on the Stadium Course at TPC Sawgrass, where Tiger snapped the above picture of Charles on the 18th hole. Nice!

Breaking News

The Hosel Rocket has obtained an advance copy of the statement that Tiger Woods will read tomorrow morning at his press conference in Ponte Vedra Beach, FL. Kudos to our intrepid roving reporter, Sean "Geraldo" Charnock, for this scoop.

“Thank you for coming. I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for the behavior that caused so much turmoil and pain for my family and fans. First, I would like to publicly apologize to my lovely wife Elin whose curiosity, temper, strength, and financial shrewdness I underestimated. My life would have been much easier if I had simply said no to the dozens if not hundreds of waitresses, bartenders, prostitutes, hotel maids, strippers, blackjack dealers, WalMart cashiers, sandwich artists, pedestrians, professional shoppers, and dog groomers who asked if my Escalade was comfortable with the seat down.

“I would also like to apologize to golf fans everywhere for letting them down. You counted on me to either be true to Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – or at the minimum, use my fame and fortune to score with better than the waitress from Perkin’s, who looks eerily similar to the Meredith character on “The Office”.

“As you can see, my physical scars have healed. My emotional scars were attended to at a facility in Mississippi. My financial scars? The bleeding continues. My marriage will be strong again as the trust with Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – is rebuilt through my one-day-at-a-time approach to my addiction which led to so many thrilling yet ultimately unpleasant interludes in the Escalade, with the exception of those with the waitress from Perkin’s. Those cannot be explained other than to say they were unpleasant from start to finish and if anything should reaffirm in the mind of my wife Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – and the collective mind of America that I am a sex addict, it is my repeated dalliances with her.

“Please allow my family to continue healing without further intrusion. I will return to competition at Arnold Palmer’s Bay Hill Invitational. Please respect my privacy. Please respect the privacy of my wife Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world. And for those of you who may have enjoyed a respectable payday from time-to-time at the expense of my addiction, please do not wait on me, deal to me, dance for me, clean for me, or approach me while wearing fishnet stockings and a short leather skirt."

"Thank you”

Up & Down With Joel

Brethren, let me be the first to tell you that: (1) Chunks might be a fine name for a dog, but is not for a golfer; (2)"Hands like a Sturgeon" should never be construed as a compliment; (3) the Shankapotamus is not an endangered species.

Unless you're blessed with a short-game like Charles Hardy (honed through thousands of hours billed to clients), chances are you could use a few pointers with your short game, especially after a hard week of shoveling snow. As some of you may have seen in email from the club last night, Joel Edwards will be hosting a Short Game Clinic at the club this Friday, with two sessions scheduled for 10:00 am-12:00 pm, and a second from 2:00-4:00 pm. The cost for the clinic will be $75.00.

Please call the Pro Shop at 972.717.0086 to sign up.

Swimming Tiger, Crouching Dragon

Alas, the course and range is closed again today, though Joe Wisdorf reported another Tiger sighting, this time in the pond on 18.

The extended forecast is calling for sunnky skies and temps in the high-50's this week, which should help Joe and his crew get the course back in shape. If you plan to play next weekend, please check the box corresponding to your game(s) of choice, and send me a confirming email by 8:00 pm on Tuesday so I can add your name to the ballot.

Thanks, guys. Have a great week.

Reading The Greens

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
~Mark Twain
Always read something that'll make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
~P.J. O'Rourke

A round of golf at LCCC offers a veritable weath of intellectual stimulation. Whether the topic is business (Gil: "If I were you, I'd load up on Zale!"), fashion (Dray: "You like this shirt? I've had it since 1978"), romance (Tim: "So I told her, look, if you're going to go out with me, you need to wash my car"), or golf itself (Tom: "I'm going back to the belly putter; do you want to know why?"), the quality of the golf is often secondary to the quality of the conversation.

On rare occassions, the conversation can actually turn to more intelligent pursuits such the history of golf, its players, and those who chronicle our great game. As a periodic feature, The Hosel Rocket is pleased to publish recommendations on exceptional books as suggested by its readers. The first such feature is Two Years in St. Andrews: At Home on The 18th Hole, written by George Peper. For a review and ordering information on Amazon.com, click here. Whether you've been to St. Andrews as I have or hope to go some day, I can guarantee that you will find this to be an exceptional book.

Good reading.

President's Day Golf Event

Eric Hunt has volunteered to be the LCCC professional to sponsor a team in the 2nd annual CCA Winter Pro-AM Chili Series tournament at Walnut Creek GC, scheduled for next Monday, February 15 (President's Day).

The start time is 12:30 pm (shotgun); the format is a 3 best balls with handicap (net); the cost is $65/player and covers carts, range balls, prize fund, chili and beer after play. Those interested in joining the LCCC team should call Eric in the Golf Shop at 972.717.0086.

Golf & Valentine's Day: February 13-14

Before you pull the lever on your golf plans, don't forget that Sunday is Valentine's Day. According to the good folks at Wikipedia, "the holiday is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 AD." It is traditionally "a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting gifts of flowers, confectionery, jewelry, and golf equipment."

Let's face it, unless you're a hopeless romantic like Matt Miller, you could probably use a couple of gift ideas for Valentine's Day. Remember, few thing say "I love you!" better than a new Titanium driver for your beloved. Satin sheets? Who needs 'em when you can give her a new Vokey wedge with satin finish? For the last-minute shopper with a sweet tooth, there's always the improvised "Tiger" Whitman's Sampler, where you put a Nike One golf ball in each of the little compartments and eat all the chocolates yourself.

Men of Las Colinas, I beseech ye, man up! Do not let this garden variety, estrogen-fueled, bling-inducing pseudo-holiday get in the way of your golf plans for next Sunday! Keep your priorities in order, just like the nice German fellow in the attached video.

Solved: The Case of The Missing Mayor

For those of you who missed last week's episode of CSI Las Colinas, the editorial staff of The Hosel Rocket would like to extend a hearty "welcome back!" to Cipriano Robles, the Honorable (and no longer missing) Mayor of Las Colinas.

Cip, his wife, Amy, and their four daughters are returning to LCCC after a brief hiatus away from the club. Cip, on behalf of the group, it's great to have you back, and we look forward to seeing you (and your money) back in the game each weekend.