The Hosel Rocket has learned that ABC television plans to release a sequel to its popular 1970s sitcom, The Flying Nun, which starred a young Sally Field in the title role. The new series, which will be part of ABC's fall programming line-up, will be entitled The Golfing Nun, and will star Tom Francis, an erstwhile Dallas area financial planner and devoted duffer.The story begins at Lou's Discount Golf, where Tom is seen rummaging through a bin of half-price golf caps in search of wide-brimmed model to fend off the withering Texas summer sun. In the midst of his search, he finds what appears to be a nun's habit at the bottom of the bin, apparently discarded by a former resident of the Daughters of Titleist convent in nearby Carrollton (and which mysteriously bears a phone number and the words "Vegas. Next Weekend. Call Me. Tim." inscribed inside the brim). Without hesitation, he purchases the habit.
With his heavenly headgear perched atop his head, Francis steps out of the locker room and strides confidently to the first tee at Las Colinas Country Club on a warm August morning. He quickly discovers that not only does his new lid provide him with shade comparable to that of a large patio umbrella, its aerodynamic properties create an unexpected vortex of lift, causing him and his golf bag to rise magically into the air. Catching a sudden gust of wind, Tom sails down the first fairway, while the club's golf concierge, Bill Douglas, makes a heroic but ultimately futile attempt to reel him in with a bunker rake while leaning out of a speeding golf cart.After deftly avoiding a flock of geese and an American Airlines flight on final approach to DFW, Francis finds himself floating above the tree tops toward the nearby Cistercian Abbey, where his journey comes to an abrupt conclusion when he becomes entangled in the top of a large mesquite tree. Losing his balance, he finds himself hanging upside down from the straps of his golf bag, while its contents begin raining down on the roof of the Abbey. As he screams for help, he fears that his life may be nearing a sudden and unceremonious end.
Startled at the sudden racket coming from their roof, the petrified monks spill out of the door of the Abbey, only to find themselves in the middle of a hail storm of falling clubs, balls, tees, ball markers, and divot tools. As they gaze above at the heavens, they let out a collective gasp at the sight of a screaming man lathered in sun block, wearing a nun's habit, and hanging upside down from the tree by the straps of a golf bag.
Not sure whether his airborne arrival is a sign from God or The Golf Channel, the monks fall to their knees in fear and supplication, sensing they are truly witnessing a miracle as they await further signs from above. The sign arrives but a moment later.
"HELP! HELP!! GET ME OUT OF THIS TREE! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT! ANYTHING!", screams Francis, increasingly desperate as the straps of his golf bag begin to loosen under the strain of his weight. Responding to his pleas for help, the monks quickly locate an extension ladder in David Oliver's garage, which they employ to fish Francis out of the tree. Having saved his life, and in response to Tom's offer, the monks ask him to take up residence at The Abbey, and serve as the new coach for the Cistercian Preparatory School golf team.
Initially hesitant at the thought of giving up his lucrative lifestyle as a financial planner, but enternally grateful to the monks for saving his life, Francis finds that he can't say no, especially when the monks agree to take up a collection at Sunday services to cover his monthly club bill. In a moment of spiritual enlightenment, Francis adopts the name "Father Bridgestone Pelotas", and proceeds to lead the Cistercian team to the TAAPS state golf title, flying from hole to hole to inspire his young charges while scaring the living shit out of the opposing players.
Look for "The Golfing Nun" on Tuesday nights this fall on ABC.
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