Mr. Magoo, Where are You?

IRVING, TX (UPI) - In what local authorities are referring to as a case of ocular discombobulation, a Dallas resident is resting comfortably at home this evening after a mishap earlier today at the Four Seasons Resort and Club.

The man in question, Randy Levy, had visited his optometrist earlier that morning to pick up a new pair of eye glasses, where he was mistakenly given the glasses of another patient, a Mr. M. Magoo of nearby Highland Park.

Upon setting off for his weekend golf game at Las Colinas Country Club, Mr. Levy's vision apparently became so impaired that he drove instead to the adjacent Sports Club, where security footage later revealed that he drove his 1993 Ford Explorer through the club's practice range, over the first tee box, and into the cart staging area, where he narrowly missed knocking over the statue of Byron Nelson located adjacent to the first tee.

Unaware that he was at the wrong club, Mr. Levy then entered the main clubhouse, where he was subsequently found in the Women's locker room. it was there that Levy was confronted by a member, Rhonda Lewis, who found him trying to open her locker with his car keys. In an an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Ms. Lewis explained what happened next.

"So, I walked into the Women's locker room and turned the corner, where all of a sudden I saw this little bald man in Dockers, Topsiders, and a tobbogan hat trying to open my locker. I looked at him and shouted "HEY! What are you doing in here, and what are you doing in my locker?!".

He looked at me, blinking like mad through these Coke bottle glasses and said 'Your locker? Madam, please! Look! It's got my name right on it! Besides, women are only allowed to be in the 19th Hole until the club finishes its renovations, but are not allowed in the Men's Locker Room at any time. Leave now or I'll have to go get Hernando.'

"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind," continued Ms. Lewis, "and I sure as hell didn't know anything about a 19th Hole or who this Hernando was. From the crazed way he was looking at me through those glasses, I thought he might be an escaped Alzheimer's patient, or maybe he had some fetish for women's golf clothes. Either way, I wasn't taking any chances. I yelled for help and grabbed him by the arm to detain him, but he broke free of me, and unfortunately ran straight into a closed door. Knocked him out cold, and his glasses were smashed to smithereens!"

Paramedics were then summoned to the Sports Club to attend to Mr. Levy, who was found unconscious and bearing a bruise on his forehead in the shape of USE OTHER DOOR when they arrived 20 minutes later. As he had no identification on him (his wallet was later found in the bushes at the base of the Byron Nelson statue), he was taken to Parkland Hospital for treatment and observation, where he remained unconscious some six hours later.

Meanwhile, back home in Dallas, Mr. Levy's wife had become worried when he didn't show up for his regular weekly pedicure appointment at Orient Express Nail Salon & Massage in Preston Hollow. After calling Las Colinas CC and learning that he'd unexpectedly left his golf game after five holes, she grew concerned for her husband's safety, and proceeded to file a Missing Persons report.

It was only later that evening when Mr. Levy regained consciousness that he was able to explain to the doctors who he was, though he was unable to explain how he ended up at The Sports Club. A call was placed to his wife, who soon arrived at Parkland for a tearful reunion, followed by a quick trip to Lenscrafters on the way home.

In other local news, Schepp's Dairy announced that they have withdrawn their $10,000 reward for information pertaining to Mr. Levy's disappearance.