Carter Says "Prostata Non Grata"

Get well wishes go out to our good friend, Frank Carter, who recently decided to take a little time away from work and golf to bid farewell to his long-time friend, Emilio Prostata. Here's a photo of Frank in a farewell embrace with little Emilio, who has since embarked on a new career as a wrestler in the Mexican lucha libre circuit, where he is competing under the moniker "El Pequeño Ano Najarian".

Frank has asked me to let everyone know that he's doing well, and that he looks forward to being back on the golf course by November 1 and rejoining our weekly games of chance.  We wish him a speedy return.

Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves

The Hosel Rocket has recently learned that a militant band of gypsies from the breakaway republic of Tomfrancistahn has been sighted prowling the grounds of LCCC. Wearing garish clothing and disguises to protect their identities (see Tom "I'm Mad As Hell" Francis and Greg "I'm Not Going to Take It Any More" Ferguson, pictured above), Homeland Security officials have determined that these incursions are most likely nothing more than a covert effort to determine when they plan to rejoin the action at LCCC, now that our greens have returned to a condition more befitting a private club rather than a goat ranch.

When encountering one of these poor, displaced souls, please make every effort to be courteous. Make sure they can find their way to the locker room. Point them in the right direction of the #1 tee. Remind them that they are entitled to all of the free tees, ball markers, divot tools, and golf pencils they can carry. Last but not least, please remember to be gracious to these traumatized, former members-in-exile when taking money from them when they deem the course suitable for rejoining their fellow members in competition.

Welcome back, boys.

Seasons Greetings

Gil Hollander has asked me to remind everyone that as of today there are only 90 shopping days left until Christmas, and that Zales has added extra staff at their Red Bird Mall store in anticipation of heavy holiday shopping crowds this weekend.

For a little something to get you in the holiday spirit, please click below.

Under The (Picnic) Table...And Dreaming

In one of the most anticipated concerts of the year (sorry, Kraig Parker), the Dave Matthews Band visited the Superpages.com Center on Saturday night for a sold-out show. The large contingent of LCCC members in attendance included Cipriano Robles and his wife, Amy, and Jeff Holshevnikoff and his girlfriend, Nicole, whom Jeff flew in from Chicago specifically to attend the show.

The pre-concert festivities began earlier that day at Trophy Club, where Cip and friends got in 18 holes of golf in the scorching afternoon heat, followed by post-round cocktail crawl that began in TC's 19th Hole, proceeded to poolside at Tom Wagner's house, and finally ended in the Mixed Grill at LCCC. Though not a Dave Matthews fan, Amy gamely agreed to go in support of Cip's ardent devotion to the group and their music, promising to file a concert report for The Hosel Rocket the following day.

As things turned out, it was quite a show, but not as memorable as the one that played out on the lawn of the concert venue, where Cip, Amy, Jeff, and Nicole were seated. "We found a good place to sit on the lawn just as the concert started," said Amy, "when I turned around to say to Cip 'wow, these guys sound pretty good'. It was then that we noticed he was flat on his back, passed out on the grass. It was ironic that the band was playing 'Ants Marching', as a dozen of them were snaking across his forehead at that very moment."

Despite the raucous atmosphere, Amy reports that her husband snored blissfully through the two hour show, later citing the effect of that afternoon's sun as the reason for his turf nap. "I had a great time with Jeff and Nicole, and really wouldn't have been too mad at Cip had he not started drooling on the leg of a woman on the next blanket over. Fortunately, I had some hand sanitizer in my purse, which I offered to the woman so she could clean herself up."

Finally, Amy reports that Cip (and his sleeping bag) will be back on the lawn when Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform on September 21.

The King is back...sort of.

As a reminder, Kraig Parker will be bringing his world famous Elvis Presley tribute to LCCC on Friday night, with plenty of tickets still available. Call Kelli Kelsey at 972.541.1141 for more details.

Kudos to Social Committee dynamos and part-time paparazzi Marilyn Noble and Lynn Cox for snapping the above photo of the faux King at his private recording studio in Garland, where he's been rehearsing a new duet with acclaimed Michael Jackson impersonator, Eric Hunt.

The Hosel Rocket has learned that the song will be a take-off of Presley's classic "Caught in a Trap" composition from the 1960s, with lyrics customized for the hip, swinging crowd that's sure to be in attendance at LCCC:

I'm caught in a trap
I can't blast out
Because there's too much netting, baby.

Why can't you see
What it's doing to me
My score went from 75 to 80...(went to 80!)

We can't go on together
With suspicious traps (suspicious traps)
When I hit in these bunkers
I might as well blow Taps...

Remember, 8:00 PM on Friday night...as Lynn and Marilyn will tell you, you won't want to miss it.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

After a long, hot summer (which may not be over quite yet), football season is finally here, with a full slate of college games kicking off tonite.

Of the many story lines that will dominate this year's college game, few are more intriguing than Bobby Bowden's decision to finally retire from coaching at the age of 103, a watershed event that has triggered a dramatic series of events at Florida State University. As reported by ESPN's Erin Andrews, the demographics of the FSU program have changed virtually overnight - Chief Osceola will no longer wear Depends under his loincloth, FSU cheerleader tryouts will no longer resemble a casting call for The Golden Girls, and dinner will no longer be served at 4:30 PM.

Going...Going...Gong!

The bad news? The condition of our #10 green has deteriorated to the point that the green has been closed, with a temporary green installed until further notice.

The good news? For starters:
1.) The greens have diverted everyone's attention away from "Bunkergate".
2.) Anything inside 40-feet is an automatic two-putt (somewhere in Carrollton, a middle-aged white man in a large hat is rejoicing).
3.) It's paved the way for a new version of "The Gong Show", which will be produced by NBC and filmed on location from the 10th hole at LCCC.

For those like Matt Miller who weren't yet born, The Gong Show was an immensely popular NBC program that ran from 1976-1978, and which featured weekly contests between amateur performers of often dubious talent (in other words, just like LCCC on any given weekend). If any judge considered an act to be particularly bad, he or she could strike a large gong, thus forcing the performer to stop.

The The LCCC Gong Show will take on a couple of different twists. First, John Ehlert (playing the role of the legendary emcee, Chuck Barris) will interview the "Unknown Greenskeeper", who will offer various theories, hypotheses, and agronomy-related mumbo jumbo to explain the deteriorating conditions of the LCCC greens, all the while wearing a brown paper bag on his head to protect his identity.

Second, as a featured part of each episode, a large, floating gong will be anchored in the pond adjacent to the 10th fairway, providing golfers with an alternative target to the temporary green on #10. Any player hitting the gong will be awarded 100 Carpenter Cup points (Note - requires payment of $50 Gong Management Fee to KSL), and the opportunity to repurchase their golf ball for $5.00 from Bob Dray (who owns mineral and diving rights in the pond).

Please see the following video clip of the pilot for the show, which was filmed in Ireland earlier this year.