Oh, The Humanity!

"IRVING...WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

The boys from LCCC journeyed west yesterday to the outskirts of Fort Worth, where the team did battle with hosts Mira Vista CC in the 4th TGA League Play match of the 2011 season.

Dispelling the myth that a long car trip can offset a shortage of talent, and in a conflagration that made the Hindenburg disaster look like a popcorn fart, the visitors took it on the nose by a final score of 22 1/2 to 13 1/2, dropping the team's record to 1-3-0 on the season.

Leading the way for LCCC was the team of Dave McCallum and Mel Robinson, who snatched 7.5 out of 9 points in the #5-6 positions, with the teams of Mike Shearburn/Jerry Haas and Dan Costello/Adam Whitehead bringing home the balance of the bacon. Finally, kudos to the team of Scott Wenning/Mike Bowers for safely making it through the Scratch flight competition without a scratch (or a single point).

Next up for the Bad News Bears is Royal Oaks CC, where the team will travel next Thursday, April 14. A pep rally will be held for the team in the La Vista Room at 2:00 AM on the morning of the match, with complementary cocktails and LCCC divot tools provided to all ONE members in attendance.  Come cheer on the team!

And Now You Know

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an old golfer who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Sir, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Kind sir, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply....

"I outlived all the sons of bitches."

It's a Miracle!

"OMG! These bunkers
look like hell!"

Inspired by a pre-match pep talk from Pope Benedict XVI (in town to conduct a pre-Easter exorcism on our bunkers), the host team from LCCC earned its first victory of the 2011 TGA League Play season, squeaking by the heavily favored visitors from Gleneagles CC by a final score of 21-15.

Kudos to Steve Holtgrieve, Matt Miller, Nelson Henry, Byron Barlow, Mel Robinson, Danny Lowry, Wes Hameline and Rick Smith for answering the call to arms and dispatching the poseurs from Plano, and for helping get LCCC off the TGA schneid.

With a record of 1-2-0 and a one-match winning streak on the line, the squad will travel to Fort Worth on April 7 to face Mira Vista on their home turf, a real treat for those who have played the course.

The Little Engine That Couldn't

It was a beautiful afternoon for golf last Thursday, when the plucky squad from LCCC ventured east to Dallas Athletic Club for the second match of the 2011 TGA League Play season.

In an effort to build team unity and camaraderie, Coach Wenning reserved a private train to carry the team to and from the match at DAC, but the custom conveyance did little to compensate for the lack of firepower in the LCCC line-up, with the visitors going down by a score of 25 1/2 to 10 1/2. Here's a picture of the train as it attempted to pull out of the DART station at Garland Road:

The Black Sheep Squadron (aka, Mike Bowers & Mike Shearburn) were again thrust into the Scratch Flight, but their bravery and panache proved to be no match for their plus-handicap opponents. Kudos also to Dave Schmertz, Jerry Hass, Mel Robinson, Byron Barlow, George Derr, and Larry Gekiere, who all fought valiently but were able to scratch out by a handful of points from their DAC opponents.

After one week break in the action, LCCC will look to get on the board when we host Gleneagles for Match #3 of the 2011 TGA League Play series on Thursday, March 24.

Hail to The Chief, Y'all!

While it is generally believed that clothes do make the man, it takes more than a wardrobe that would make Liberace envious for one man to lead an organization as diverse and often demanding as Las Colinas CC, especially when he finds himself in the unforgiving spotlight of addressing our general membership.

To that end, the president of the LCCC Board of Governors, Chris Allen, is leaving no stone unturned in his preparations for the first annual "State of The Club" meeting. In an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Allen revealed that he has retained the services of a professional speech coach to aid in his preparations for his address next Thursday night, March 17.

When pressed for the source of such inspiration, the President went full disclosure. "Look, I snuck out of work one afternoon to go see that movie, 'The King's Speech', just to see what all the damn fuss was about. After watching it, I figured if that guy could teach King Whatshisname how to talk on the radio without sounding like Mel Tillis, I could find someone who could make me sound like James Earl Jones."

While Allen declined to reveal the name of his speech coach, he did credit the source of the referral.  "When your shitter is clogged, you don't call a carpenter to repair it, right? You get a plumber. So, I went to the best public speaker I know, Mike Bowers, and asked him where he learned his oratory skills. He recommended two guys, and since Jack Daniels wasn't available, I went with the other guy, who I found had actually worked with former President Bush on his public speaking issues.  I'm very pleased with the results, and am looking forward to applying my new skills in my Presidential Address on March 17."

THR was able to attend a copy of some video on the working Allen's speech coach had done with President Bush, which can be seen in the following video.  Stirring stuff, indeed.

Other than that, Mrs. Woods, how was your Thanksgiving dinner?

Boys against men?
Christians vs. lions?
Joe vs. The Volcano?

However one-sided these comparisons may appear, they may forever be relegated to the archives of history after yesterday's convincing victory by the visitors from Royal Oaks, who trounced the home team from LCCC by a score of 27-9 in the first match of the 2011 TGA League Play series.


"Psst.  Shearburn! These guys aren't b-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad."

Kudos to Mike Bowers and Mike Shearburn (pictured above) for their pluck and courage in serving as DSLs (Designated Sacrificial Lambs) in the Scratch flight, and to Messrs. Hameline, Robles, Robinson, Schmertz, McCallum, and Whitehead for proudly representing LCCC.  Despite the lopsided outcome on the course, Omar in the 19th Hole reported that we outdrank the visitors by a wide margin in the post-match festivities. So we have that going for us. Which is nice.

The good guys will try to get into the "W" column next Thursday, when the squad will travel west on LBJ Freeway to tangle with the guys from DAC.

She Blinded Me - With Science!

As the dormant turf has made it increasingly difficult to find even the straightest of shots at this time of year, Bob Gats and Todd Wilson are the latest in a long list of savvy duffers who've switched to optic yellow ammo, and enthusiastically report that the ease in which they can find these day-glo pellets has shaved both strokes and time off their rounds. 

In a moment of inspiration, Tim Unverzagt reports that he's developed a most interesting scientific application for high-optic technology. Formerly a fixture in our weekend golf scene, Tim mysteriously vanished from LCCC last fall shortly after a long business trip to Asia. Following an anonymous tip that led him all the way to Japan, The Hosel Rocket's own investigative reporter Geraldo Rivera recently spotted Unverzagt on the streets of Tokyo, as he was seen stepping out one evening with a posse of comely companions. It was then that the mystery of Tim's disappearance was solved.  He'd been doing market research for his latest invention.

"Do you know how hard it is to find a petite Asian woman at night in a dark hotel suite?", lamented Unverzagt to Geraldo, both ladies men of epic reputations.  "I got tired of stubbing my toe coming back from the john, or when I stepped out in the hallway behind the ice machine to have a smoke. At first, I tried duct taping their cell phones to their foreheads so I could call their number and find them when their phones lit up, but it turns out duct tape doesn't stick very well to Mazola oil, and the damn things kept falling off."

It was then that Unverzagt revealed his invention - glowing dental implants. "Just think about it, there's really only a few areas on a woman's body that I'm really interested in, and what better place to start than the mouth?  I just call their name - or names, depending on the evening - and I just walk toward their smile.  It's perfect!  I haven't stubbed my toe - or anything else - in over a month."

Please see the following video for highlights of the recent field trials of Tim's invention.  Truly amazing!