Seasons Greetings

Gil Hollander has asked me to remind everyone that as of today there are only 90 shopping days left until Christmas, and that Zales has added extra staff at their Red Bird Mall store in anticipation of heavy holiday shopping crowds this weekend.

For a little something to get you in the holiday spirit, please click below.

Under The (Picnic) Table...And Dreaming

In one of the most anticipated concerts of the year (sorry, Kraig Parker), the Dave Matthews Band visited the Superpages.com Center on Saturday night for a sold-out show. The large contingent of LCCC members in attendance included Cipriano Robles and his wife, Amy, and Jeff Holshevnikoff and his girlfriend, Nicole, whom Jeff flew in from Chicago specifically to attend the show.

The pre-concert festivities began earlier that day at Trophy Club, where Cip and friends got in 18 holes of golf in the scorching afternoon heat, followed by post-round cocktail crawl that began in TC's 19th Hole, proceeded to poolside at Tom Wagner's house, and finally ended in the Mixed Grill at LCCC. Though not a Dave Matthews fan, Amy gamely agreed to go in support of Cip's ardent devotion to the group and their music, promising to file a concert report for The Hosel Rocket the following day.

As things turned out, it was quite a show, but not as memorable as the one that played out on the lawn of the concert venue, where Cip, Amy, Jeff, and Nicole were seated. "We found a good place to sit on the lawn just as the concert started," said Amy, "when I turned around to say to Cip 'wow, these guys sound pretty good'. It was then that we noticed he was flat on his back, passed out on the grass. It was ironic that the band was playing 'Ants Marching', as a dozen of them were snaking across his forehead at that very moment."

Despite the raucous atmosphere, Amy reports that her husband snored blissfully through the two hour show, later citing the effect of that afternoon's sun as the reason for his turf nap. "I had a great time with Jeff and Nicole, and really wouldn't have been too mad at Cip had he not started drooling on the leg of a woman on the next blanket over. Fortunately, I had some hand sanitizer in my purse, which I offered to the woman so she could clean herself up."

Finally, Amy reports that Cip (and his sleeping bag) will be back on the lawn when Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform on September 21.

The King is back...sort of.

As a reminder, Kraig Parker will be bringing his world famous Elvis Presley tribute to LCCC on Friday night, with plenty of tickets still available. Call Kelli Kelsey at 972.541.1141 for more details.

Kudos to Social Committee dynamos and part-time paparazzi Marilyn Noble and Lynn Cox for snapping the above photo of the faux King at his private recording studio in Garland, where he's been rehearsing a new duet with acclaimed Michael Jackson impersonator, Eric Hunt.

The Hosel Rocket has learned that the song will be a take-off of Presley's classic "Caught in a Trap" composition from the 1960s, with lyrics customized for the hip, swinging crowd that's sure to be in attendance at LCCC:

I'm caught in a trap
I can't blast out
Because there's too much netting, baby.

Why can't you see
What it's doing to me
My score went from 75 to 80...(went to 80!)

We can't go on together
With suspicious traps (suspicious traps)
When I hit in these bunkers
I might as well blow Taps...

Remember, 8:00 PM on Friday night...as Lynn and Marilyn will tell you, you won't want to miss it.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

After a long, hot summer (which may not be over quite yet), football season is finally here, with a full slate of college games kicking off tonite.

Of the many story lines that will dominate this year's college game, few are more intriguing than Bobby Bowden's decision to finally retire from coaching at the age of 103, a watershed event that has triggered a dramatic series of events at Florida State University. As reported by ESPN's Erin Andrews, the demographics of the FSU program have changed virtually overnight - Chief Osceola will no longer wear Depends under his loincloth, FSU cheerleader tryouts will no longer resemble a casting call for The Golden Girls, and dinner will no longer be served at 4:30 PM.

Going...Going...Gong!

The bad news? The condition of our #10 green has deteriorated to the point that the green has been closed, with a temporary green installed until further notice.

The good news? For starters:
1.) The greens have diverted everyone's attention away from "Bunkergate".
2.) Anything inside 40-feet is an automatic two-putt (somewhere in Carrollton, a middle-aged white man in a large hat is rejoicing).
3.) It's paved the way for a new version of "The Gong Show", which will be produced by NBC and filmed on location from the 10th hole at LCCC.

For those like Matt Miller who weren't yet born, The Gong Show was an immensely popular NBC program that ran from 1976-1978, and which featured weekly contests between amateur performers of often dubious talent (in other words, just like LCCC on any given weekend). If any judge considered an act to be particularly bad, he or she could strike a large gong, thus forcing the performer to stop.

The The LCCC Gong Show will take on a couple of different twists. First, John Ehlert (playing the role of the legendary emcee, Chuck Barris) will interview the "Unknown Greenskeeper", who will offer various theories, hypotheses, and agronomy-related mumbo jumbo to explain the deteriorating conditions of the LCCC greens, all the while wearing a brown paper bag on his head to protect his identity.

Second, as a featured part of each episode, a large, floating gong will be anchored in the pond adjacent to the 10th fairway, providing golfers with an alternative target to the temporary green on #10. Any player hitting the gong will be awarded 100 Carpenter Cup points (Note - requires payment of $50 Gong Management Fee to KSL), and the opportunity to repurchase their golf ball for $5.00 from Bob Dray (who owns mineral and diving rights in the pond).

Please see the following video clip of the pilot for the show, which was filmed in Ireland earlier this year.

Now, THAT'S Entertainment!

Fresh off his tour de force performance at last month's La Buena Bola awards banquet, Ron Wollard announced that LCCC has signed our very own Mike Bowers to a three-month contract to provide entertainment each Friday night in the Main Ballroom.

Performing under his stage name of "The Baritone Barrister" (a nod toward his day job as partner at the law firm of Bell Nunnally & Martin LLP), Bowers is shown astride the club's baby grand piano belting out a spirited rendition of his own original composition, "There Ain't But One 'B' in 'Ribbon'".

In a flourish of showmanship that evoked comparisons to Fred Astaire, Bowers then leaped off the piano and executed a perfect slide down the bannister into the dining room, landing on a table, scattering a floral arrangement, and coming to rest on Heather Huffman's lap, where he remained for 30 minutes while her concerned husband finished his dinner.

In addition to his covers of classic American standards, Bowers will perform a number of his original legal-themed compositions, including "Three Torts in The Fountain", "I Left My Briefs in San Francisco", "Call Me Irresponsible (and I'll Sue Your Ass)", and "That's No Paralegal-That's My Wife!". Opening for Bowers will be the Friedken Brothers, whose musical stylings can be seen in the following video.

Seating will be limited, so Ron recommends you get there early, try the veal, tip your waitresses, and drive home safely.

Coming Soon! In Theatres!!

Fresh off their recent undercover assignments in Hong Kong, The Hosel Rocket has learned that Gil Hollander and Tim Unverzagt have signed on with Paramount Pictures to star in the latest installment of the Rush Hour movie series, entitled Rush Hour 5: Enter The Blacksmith. Currently filming on location in Hong Kong, the two stars are shown here relaxing after a grueling day on the set.

Mr. Unverzagt (in the role formerly played by Chris Tucker) plays Duane Pipe, a three-time winner on the Nationwide Tour whose once promising career was derailed by an endless procession of liaisons with admiring female fans ("Hey, good looking. You think you like it behind those ropes, wait until I have you in those ropes..."). Banished from the Tour for bedding a tournament sponsor (Betty White; playing herself in a cameo role), he travels to Hong Kong for a much-needed vacation, whereupon he decides to take up residence and open a driving range that doubles as a brothel ("The Pipe Cleaner").

Cast in the role formerly played by Jackie Chan, Mr. Hollander plays Chin Tu Fat, a broken down, 50-something martial arts master who decides to take up golf after getting his ass kicked by a teenage girl in a Beijing judo tournament. With nothing more than his modest dreams and a battered set of clubs, Chin wanders into Mr. Pipe's establishment in search of golf instruction. Their partnership is sealed when Pipe agrees to teach Chin a golf swing in exchange for free karate lessons, which he deems necessary to defend his lovely employees from the incursions of a local pimp (played convincingly by Chris Allen).

After watching Chin spend several months banging balls (and the hired help), Pipe deems Chin's swing ready for the crucible of tournament competition. Facilitated by a well-timed bribe to the tournament sponsor, Chin secures a sponsor's exemption to the prestigious P.F. Chang’s Open at the Kowloon Golf and Mahjong Club.

Chin proceeds to enter "The Chang's" accompanied by Pipe, a gallery of his nubile employees, and a talking yak named Nelson, who serves as his caddie and motivational coach. After three-putting 36 greens and missing the cut by one stroke (“Damn these greens! They’re harder to read than Chinese arithmetic!!”), a sagging Chin turns to the services of a mysterious Asian blacksmith, Mi Yip (played by Tom Francis) in a desperate effort to cure his putting woes.

Purported to be the last known descendant of the legendary Ping Dynasty, Mi teaches Chin the skills passed along to him by his ancient ancestors - how to shoe horses, make wrought iron patio furniture, and master the delicate art of brushing a golf ball into a hole with nothing more than a flat stick.

Armed with a new stroke, and brimming with the confidence instilled in him by Master Yip (“When you can walk across the practice green and leave no trace, it is then that you will know you are ready, grasshopper”), Chin heads back to Hong Kong. With Nelson on his bag and Pipe's jiggling entourage in the gallery, he bests a world-class field to win the Pei Wei Classic by six shots, and along with it a rich endorsement deal from Ben-Wa Golf Balls.

Look for Rush Hour 5: Enter The Blacksmith in theatres this Labor Day!