Who's Your Caddy?

Ten Best Caddy Remarks*

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

* Courtesy of Jim Welch.

Muskrat Love

While the last five days of wintry weather have rendered our golf course unplayable, the recent deluge of ice and snow has been a boon for the course's muskrat population, with ever increasing families of these large rodents seen swarming the banks of the ponds on #13. As the pond's ecosystem has gradually been depleted of fish, frogs, and other staples of food for Ondrata zibethicus, Joe Wisdorf reports that these furry critters have begun foraging for food in the yards of residents off #12.

Upon encountering a particularly aggressive muskrat in his garage last Thursday morning, Todd Wilson saw opportunity where many would have seen a problem. Pulling a three-iron from his golf bag, Todd deftly dispatched the little intruder with a single blow ("first solid contact I've made with that club in two months"). In a moment of inspiration, he skinned the dead muskrat with a divot tool, affixed the pelt to the antenna of his car, and drove around University Hills for 30 minutes until it dried.

Then, using a sewing machine borrowed from Cipriano "Inspector Columbo" Robles, Todd turned the pelt into a woman's purse, which he presented to his wife, Victoria, as an early Valentine's Day gift last Friday night at Bugatti's Ristorante in Dallas.

"After all, what do you give the woman who has everything?", mused the nouveau fur trader, posing with his creation as Cip and Rick Smith nodded approvingly. "Any putz with a few bucks can buy a woman a mink, but nothing says 'I love you' more than muskrat, particularly when you've made it yourself. Plus, just wait until she sees the matching thong I made for myself. I'm saving that for Valentine's Day."

Coming Soon: 2011 TGA League Play




THE BRONZE BEAR
TGA LEAGUE PLAY - 2010

Now in its 7th year, the 2011 TGA League Play series features eight-man teams from clubs across the Metroplex squaring off in match play competition. Matches are played in a home-and-away series over the course of the season, beginning the first week in March. Regional winners advance to the Statewide Playoffs, culminating in a championship match for the title that will be played at the Horseshoe Bay Resort on May 20-23.

Teams are made up of 8 players from the same club, playing a weekly match against the other clubs in our conference (to be determined during the week of February 15-18), which last year included Royal Oaks, Ridglea, Mira Vista, Bent Tree, and Dallas Athletic Club. We will play each team twice on a home & home basis, and the team with the best record in the conference advances to the state playoffs.

Individual team members must be male golfers over the age of 21 and have an active GHIN number with a handicap Index of 18.4 or less. This is primarily a NET competition with the exception of the #1 and #2 player match which will be played at scratch from the back tee. #3 and #4 players will also be playing from the back tees with a maximum handicap of 8. Players 5 - 8 will be playing from the middle tees with a maximum handicap of 18.4. All skill levels are encouraged to participate.

I've agreed to return as captain and chief cat herder for this year’s LCCC squad, and will be looking for players to fill out the 8-player roster for each of our matches. If you are interested in representing Las Colinas in one or more these matches, please click here, and I will add your name to the list of new and returning players.

For more information on the TGA and the 2011 TGA League Play competition , please click the link on the right column.  Thanks.

Help The Homeless. Please.

Though North Texas is blessed with relatively balmy temperatures at this time of year compared to our brethren in the Upper Midwest and Northeast, our recent run of chilly weather is the type that can pose a very real threat to the safety of our area's homeless population. However, there are still chances for each of us to make a difference in the lives of the homeless, as the following story is about to show.

During a late evening trip to the Irving Tom Thumb supermarket dumpster to deposit his trash, Ted Borek found this poor wretch living behind the store in a discarded Maytag refrigerator carton. Upon peering into the carton, he found a man reclining in a sleeping bag, sipping an Old Style, and watching 1985 Chicago Bears highlights on 42" plasma, which was wired to a DirecTV receiver on a nearby tree and powered an extension cord he had run across the street from the driving range at The Four Seasons. Astonished, Borek asked the man for his story, and what brought him to his lowly station in life.

The gentleman, clearly self-conscious by his disheveled appearance and meager abode, declined to give Borek his name, asking instead that he refer to him by his hobo moniker, "Box Car Bob". Ever the humanitarian, Ted invited Bob to the 19th Hole, where he dined by the fireplace on a piping hot bowl of red bean & rice soup (sans red beans and rice), some blueberry muffins, and several gallons of iced tea. As the food and fire warmed his spirits, it was clear this proud man of the rails was deep in thought, as if trying to decide if it was time to get out of the box and come in out of the cold.

Reading his thoughts, Borek asked "Hey, Box, I've got an idea. Why don't we set up a cot for you in here? Maybe in the back of the shoe room? You'll have a john, a shower, and a steam room at your disposal, with all the muffins you can afford to buy from Bob Dray. For Christ's sake, a box is no place for a man to live, even one as luxuriously appointed as that Maytag side-by-side. What do you say?"

Thoughtfully stroking his ragged goatee, Box Car Bob's eyes began to well up with tears. Ted's chest swelled with pride, his heart near bursting as he thought of how his simple yet magnanimous gesture would get at least one lost soul off the streets of Irving and perhaps on the path to a better life. A hush fell over the 19th Hole, as every member present craned their necks awaiting the words that all felt would change this poor man's life, and in the process perhaps each of their own as well.

It was then that Box Car Bob spoke. "Who the hell was your decorator here, Ray Charles? Look at this woodworking - it appears to be from the Early Spanish Armada period. I don't know when the last time was that you guys put any money into this place, but I think it's long overdue. Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather live in my box. By the way, can I get a few of these muffins to go?"

Happy Birthday

Believe it or not, the Titleist Pro-V1 is ten years old.  For some interesting insights into the development and manufacturing process for the ball, please see the following video courtesy of The Boston Globe.

Get a Grip (length)!

JERRY HAAS
BISMARCK (ND) CC CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP, 1963

While our golfing brethren to the north are using their courses for other purposes at this time of year, we in North Texas are blessed to have temperatures that allow us to play through the winter. However, with the incessant cycles of freezing than thawing that occur during the winter months, the fairways and rough can get a little sloppy from time-to-time, thus the decision to invoke Winter Rules for the next several months.

As a reminder, all players are entitled to one grip-length of relief through the green (no closer to the hole), with the ability to lift, clean, and place your ball where conditions so dictate. Per USGA Rule 7-1, please post your scores as you would at any other time of year when these rules are not in effect. Thank you.

Achtung, Baby! Dray Fires Back!!



RIMSTING, GERMANY (UPI) - Far as far away as Germany, the aftershocks of the December 11th  grudge match between Bob Dray and Tom Francis are still being felt, as evidenced by a recent interview that the vacationing Mr. Dray provided to Ms. Ivana Fuchs of the German daily, Deutsche Allgemeine Zeitung.

In the interests of journalistic integrity, The Hosel Rocket is pleased to publish Mr. Dray's interview in its entirety, with the German to English translation provided by our very own Mr. Tee:

The true story of the last match of the year that decided the championship between Dashing Dray and Tom the Terrier.

Dashing Dray had to give Tom the Terrier seven strokes on the front and six on the back. The match came down to the final two holes with Tom the Terrier leading by five shots, setting the stage for a typical Dashing Dray heroic comeback as Tom the Terrier had broken five of his clubs and three of Dashing Dray’s in fits of frustration.

On the 17th tee, with Tom the Terrier leading by five strokes, Dashing Dray strikes a laser like shot to the pin as Tom the Terrier snaps his shot into the water. He then asks Dashing Dray for a ball, as he did not want to walk to his bag to retrieve one of how own. Dashing Dray obliged, even though he had given a sleeve of new Titleists to Tom the Terrier earlier in the round.

On the 18th tee, Dashing Dray and Tom the Terrier strike similar drives even though Tom the Terrier is snapping at Dashing Dray’s heals as he is driving. Dashing Dray strikes another laser shot, with Tom the Terrier again snapping at Dashing Dray’s heals as he is hitting the shot. The ball strikes the lollipop in the middle of the fairway and goes into the water! Then, having previously given all of his balls to Tom the Terrier, Dashing Dray was forced to ask for a a ball from his playing partner.  Dashing Dray then drops, and lashes another laser onto the green and makes five.

Tom the Terrier then hits his next shot into the water, moves closer, chunks two more of Dashing Dray’s balls into the water, and then blades his final ball over the green, where he is now laying nine.  Having witnessed the greatest collapse since the Berlin Wall fell, and being afraid Tom the Terrier would hit him with one of his remaining clubs, Dashing Dray agreed not tell anyone if Tom the Terrier agreed to pay the five dollar bet.

He did not pay, and instead bribed the editor of The Hosel Rocket to print a fallacious story in the Hosel Rocket.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Dashing (Bob) Dray

In the words of Mark Twain, "there are two sides to every story, and then there's the truth". In the opinion of this editor, I don't believe we've heard the last of this story from either Bob or Tom.