Up The Creek: TGA League Play Match #6

It was another long day for the boys from LCCC in last Thursday's TGA League Play at Royal Oaks CC, where the visitors were vanquished by a final score of 24-12.

The team did not go down without a fight, as evidenced by the efforts of Jeff "The Mad Russian" Holshevnikoff, shown here blasting out of the creek on #18 in a successful effort to halve his match against the #1 player from ROCC. Thanks also to Mike Shearburn, John Ehlert, Jerry Haas, Mike Bowers, Byron Barlow, Dan Costello, and Bill Dearing for making the trip over to Royal Oaks and for representing Las Colinas.

With a record of 1-5, LCCC finds itself locked in a fierce battle with Mira Vista for last place in DFW Conference "C". The team next plays this Thursday at home vs. first place DAC (2:00 PM), so please click here if you're interested in getting in on the fun.

Technology...As a Weapon?

FU KIU, CHINA (UPI) - In the latest in a series of crackdowns by Chinese officials to restrict public access to internet content, a Texas businessman was the unwitting victim of government sting in this sleepy fishing village on the coast of Dimsung Province.

Dave Schmertz, a Dallas area resident, was arrested by Communist Party officials in his hotel suite at the Fu Kiu Charlez, when the hotel's internet security software detected what it believed to be an illicit arms transaction in progress.

"I told these idiots that 'The Hosel Rocket' was a website, not a weapon," said an infuriated Schmertz, cursing alternately and loudly in English, Mandarin, and Cantonese. "I was catching up on email when I decided to check THR to see how the boys did in last week's TGA match at Mira Vista. The next thing I know, a group of soldiers is kicking down my door and dragging me out in handcuffs. &$@#*!!!  史智修!!!!!"

"Silly, silly American. Trying to tell us this new American weapon really a golf club? What next? Tiger Woods really a tiger? Bear not shit in woods? A few months of doing the people's work at PF Chang's make soften him up, then you see truth come in," stated General Sum Ting Wong, a local government official. "In the mean time, we will make ready our air defenses against this new Hosel Rocket." 

After being roughed up, given a wedgie, and having both his PC and ClubCorp ONE card taken away for explosives residue testing, Schmertz was made to kneel down in the street until the PF Chang's courtesy vehicle arrived. In a stunning turn of events, he found himself face-to-face with his fellow LCCC member, Tim Unverzagt, who had also been arrested at the Fu Kiu Charlez, after having been found in his hotel suite with 10 young women who turned out to be contestants in the local Miss Fu Kiu pagaent. Astonishingly, each was found to be wearing glowing dental implants.

"Hey, hey, hey! You better not touch my girls or my stuff or you're gonna' get it, dontcha know?! It's market research! You betcha! Market research!!", Unverzagt was heard screaming at Communist Party officials, as they inspected the glowing grills of his giggling, jiggling companions before hauling him away for interrogation.

In a related story, actor Richard Gere announced that he's stepped down from his role in the "Free Tibet" movement in support of the Dalai Lama, and will be directing his efforts toward a new cause, which he is calling "Give 'Til It Hurts - Free Dave Schmertz!".

"Unverzagt? Well, as far as I'm concerned, that guy got what was coming to him, and he needs more women in his life about as much as Tom Francis needs another putter. But Schmertz? The dude simply was in the wrong place at the wrong time, kind of like when I decided to divorce Cindy Crawford. I can't get that one back, but at least I can do my part to get this guy extradited back to the U.S."

Oh, The Humanity!

"IRVING...WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

The boys from LCCC journeyed west yesterday to the outskirts of Fort Worth, where the team did battle with hosts Mira Vista CC in the 4th TGA League Play match of the 2011 season.

Dispelling the myth that a long car trip can offset a shortage of talent, and in a conflagration that made the Hindenburg disaster look like a popcorn fart, the visitors took it on the nose by a final score of 22 1/2 to 13 1/2, dropping the team's record to 1-3-0 on the season.

Leading the way for LCCC was the team of Dave McCallum and Mel Robinson, who snatched 7.5 out of 9 points in the #5-6 positions, with the teams of Mike Shearburn/Jerry Haas and Dan Costello/Adam Whitehead bringing home the balance of the bacon. Finally, kudos to the team of Scott Wenning/Mike Bowers for safely making it through the Scratch flight competition without a scratch (or a single point).

Next up for the Bad News Bears is Royal Oaks CC, where the team will travel next Thursday, April 14. A pep rally will be held for the team in the La Vista Room at 2:00 AM on the morning of the match, with complementary cocktails and LCCC divot tools provided to all ONE members in attendance.  Come cheer on the team!

And Now You Know

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an old golfer who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Sir, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Kind sir, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply....

"I outlived all the sons of bitches."

It's a Miracle!

"OMG! These bunkers
look like hell!"

Inspired by a pre-match pep talk from Pope Benedict XVI (in town to conduct a pre-Easter exorcism on our bunkers), the host team from LCCC earned its first victory of the 2011 TGA League Play season, squeaking by the heavily favored visitors from Gleneagles CC by a final score of 21-15.

Kudos to Steve Holtgrieve, Matt Miller, Nelson Henry, Byron Barlow, Mel Robinson, Danny Lowry, Wes Hameline and Rick Smith for answering the call to arms and dispatching the poseurs from Plano, and for helping get LCCC off the TGA schneid.

With a record of 1-2-0 and a one-match winning streak on the line, the squad will travel to Fort Worth on April 7 to face Mira Vista on their home turf, a real treat for those who have played the course.

The Little Engine That Couldn't

It was a beautiful afternoon for golf last Thursday, when the plucky squad from LCCC ventured east to Dallas Athletic Club for the second match of the 2011 TGA League Play season.

In an effort to build team unity and camaraderie, Coach Wenning reserved a private train to carry the team to and from the match at DAC, but the custom conveyance did little to compensate for the lack of firepower in the LCCC line-up, with the visitors going down by a score of 25 1/2 to 10 1/2. Here's a picture of the train as it attempted to pull out of the DART station at Garland Road:

The Black Sheep Squadron (aka, Mike Bowers & Mike Shearburn) were again thrust into the Scratch Flight, but their bravery and panache proved to be no match for their plus-handicap opponents. Kudos also to Dave Schmertz, Jerry Hass, Mel Robinson, Byron Barlow, George Derr, and Larry Gekiere, who all fought valiently but were able to scratch out by a handful of points from their DAC opponents.

After one week break in the action, LCCC will look to get on the board when we host Gleneagles for Match #3 of the 2011 TGA League Play series on Thursday, March 24.

Hail to The Chief, Y'all!

While it is generally believed that clothes do make the man, it takes more than a wardrobe that would make Liberace envious for one man to lead an organization as diverse and often demanding as Las Colinas CC, especially when he finds himself in the unforgiving spotlight of addressing our general membership.

To that end, the president of the LCCC Board of Governors, Chris Allen, is leaving no stone unturned in his preparations for the first annual "State of The Club" meeting. In an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Allen revealed that he has retained the services of a professional speech coach to aid in his preparations for his address next Thursday night, March 17.

When pressed for the source of such inspiration, the President went full disclosure. "Look, I snuck out of work one afternoon to go see that movie, 'The King's Speech', just to see what all the damn fuss was about. After watching it, I figured if that guy could teach King Whatshisname how to talk on the radio without sounding like Mel Tillis, I could find someone who could make me sound like James Earl Jones."

While Allen declined to reveal the name of his speech coach, he did credit the source of the referral.  "When your shitter is clogged, you don't call a carpenter to repair it, right? You get a plumber. So, I went to the best public speaker I know, Mike Bowers, and asked him where he learned his oratory skills. He recommended two guys, and since Jack Daniels wasn't available, I went with the other guy, who I found had actually worked with former President Bush on his public speaking issues.  I'm very pleased with the results, and am looking forward to applying my new skills in my Presidential Address on March 17."

THR was able to attend a copy of some video on the working Allen's speech coach had done with President Bush, which can be seen in the following video.  Stirring stuff, indeed.