Lost in Translation

HONOLULU, HI (JULY 18) - Police were summoned to the Me Ke Aloha Love You Long Time laundromat last evening when an argument between the laundromat's owners and a vacationing Texas resident turned ugly.

According to local authorities, Michael Jackson stopped by the establishment to wash some undergarments that were soiled earlier in the day during his round on the nearby Mauna Kea golf course. Upon entering the laundromat, the owners, Mr. and Mrs. Lei Ying Lo greeted Mr. Jackson with a hearty "mahalo", a traditional Hawaiian greeting.

Apparently still heady from his pre-vacation runaway victory with partner Tom Francis in the President's Club #3 qualifier, and feeling slightly ornery after soiling himself after a botched approach to #18 at Mauna Kea, Mr. Jackson purportedly responded "Mahalo? No, the name's Fabulous. Mr. Fabulous. And you'd be wise to remember it."

"Fabulous!"

In an unfortunate linguistic twist of fate, it turns out that the phonetic Polynesian pronunciation of the word "fabulous", loosely translated, means "if my dog had a face as ugly as your wife's, I'd shave it's ass and teach it to walk backwards."

Stunned by the apparent insult to his wife, Mr. Lo responded by kicking Jackson in the testicles, as Mrs. Lo jumped on his back and began to administer a noogie to the top of his head. Disoriented and reeling in pain from the kick to his junk, Jackson began spinning wildly around the laundromat in an attempt to dislodge Mrs. Lo from his back, eventually throwing her across the laundromat into an open clothes dryer.

Deftly retrieving a quarter from his pocket, Jackson put the coin in the slot, slammed the door, and started the dryer, cackling with delight as Mrs. Lo began to tumble end over end, with a fabric softener sheet protruding from one of her nostrils.

When police arrived at the scene, the two men were locked in hand-to-hand combat, Jackson attempting to blind Mr. Lo with a spray bottle of Shout while Lo pummeled Mr. Jackson over the head with a 32-ounce bottle of Tide.  Both men were subsequently handcuffed and taken in for questioning, with assault charges against Jackson later dropped in exchange for his agreement to be immediately deported back to Dallas.

Mrs. Lo was taken to nearby Don Ho Memorial Hospital, where she was treated for static cling and bumps and bruises, and held overnight for observation.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

IRVING, TX (AP) - Officials for the New York-based Westminster Kennel Club have disqualified the defending champion, Prince Rumpus Bumpus, from competing in the 2014 WKC Dog Show, scheduled for February 10-14 at Madison Square Garden.

The Hosel Rocket has learned that the disqualification occurred at last week's North Texas regional dog show at Las Colinas Country Club, when some prescription medication for one of the club's members, Blewett Gardner, was accidentally ingested by the little West Highland Terrier.

 

WKC president, Nigel Softwick, describes what happened to Prince Rumpus Bumpus shortly after his selection as Best in Show in the European Lapdog category. "We just had set out his bowl of kibble in the Men's Locker room when Mr. Gardner exited from the bathroom. He said something about the weather being so cold, 'he had to take half a Viagra to keep from pissing on his shoes', which I thought sounded somewhat crass. It was only after the Prince was found to be missing that I found the empty Viagra packets next to his dish, which must have dropped out of Mr. Gardner's trousers. The results, I'm afraid, were somewhat predictable."

 

Surveillance footage from outside the club later showed the uber-virile Westie cavorting down the #10 fairway, stopping briefly to engage in several impromptu acts of en flagrante delecto with a trio of unsuspecting squirrels, one chipmunk, two geese, and Gil Hollander's pant leg. With his canine #2 pencil still brimming with lead, he then trotted out toward the rest room adjacent to #15 tee, where he encountered a female Westie, Pumpsy, who had stepped outside from her owners' home off #14 to answer the call of nature. And answer she did. 

 

 

With Rich McCoy (aka, "The Dog Whisperer") standing nearby to provide encouragement, the Prince and Pumpsy consummated their new relationship, after which they shared a cigarette provided by Tim Unverzagt ("there's nothing like a good smoke after you do it doggie style, I always say..."). While the story should have had (yet another) happy ending, it seems things didn't turn out so well for Prince Rumpus Bumpus.

 

"As the Westminster Kennel Club considers Viagra to be a performance enhancing drug (PED), we really didn't have any choice but to disqualify Prince Rumpus Bumpus. While Mr. Gardner seemed genuinely remorseful for his role in this incident, rules are rules.  I did hear, however, that Pumpsy's owner, Mr. Hu Flung Dung, has offered to name one of the puppies after him."

T'was The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when throughout Las Colinas,
Not a member was stirring, not even Tim’s elbow;
The golf bags were hung in the bag room below,
While the Card Room was empty, 'cept for Blew and Cipriano.

The golfers were nestled all snug in their beds,
As visions of birdies danced in their heads;
While Victoria in her nightgown, and Todd in his shorts,
Had just settled down off #12, for some indoor winter sports.

When out on the course, there arose such a clatter,
Toddie sprang from his bed, to see what was the matter;
Away to the window, he flew like Bob Dray,
Tore open the shutters (nearly took him all day!).

The moon on the breast of the now dormant sod,
Gave off a lustre like Dave Schmertz's head when he nods,
When what to Toddie's wondering eyes should appear,
But a speeding golf cart, chasing seven guys from the rear,

With a little old driver, clutching a clipboard was he,
Todd knew in a moment, t’was our own Billy D!
More rapid than turtles, his golfers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, Borek! Now, Ehlert! Now, Hardy and Miller!
On, Hollander! On Lewis! On Jackson ("The Thriller")!
Get onto the tee box! It's your five-minute call!
Now dash away! Dash away! Hit the damn ball!!

Like salmon to Capistrano, which instinctively flock,
In the face of such urging, they quickened their walk;
So up to the tee box, the golfers they flew;
With their bags full of clubs, chased by Billy D., too!

And then, in a twinkling, Todd saw out on the lawn,
A sleepwalking man, brandishing a wand!
After rubbing his eyes, not a word could he utter;
As there stood Tom Francis – with a long belly putter!

Wearing an old pair of boxers, barely covering his ass,
Onto the 12th green he wobbled, shorts covered with grass;
A bundle of putters, he had slung on his back,
Like a half-naked peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes were half open, as he munched on some Triscuits,
His physique? Dare I say? Like a can of busted biscuits!
His droll little mouth was gleaming with drool,
As he dropped a ball on the green, finally selecting his tool.

The stump of a tee he held tight in his jaws,
As he stood over the ball, putter clenched in his paws;
His head was quite broad, with a bright silver mane,
That shook when he putted (like Hepburn’s in a hurricane!)

He missed a two-footer, the right jolly old hacker,
And laughed right aloud, lining up a four-foot comebacker;
With a twitch of his hands, the putt he let fly,
Then he uttered a curse, as the ball rolled twelve inches by!

Letting out a loud sigh, he went straight to his ball,
And rolled it once more, finally watching it fall.
Then laying a finger aside of his blade,
To his golf cart he strode, the putt having finally been made.

Tossing his clubs in the cart, his practice now completed,
He then tore down O'Connor, feeling not the least bit defeated;
But he was heard to exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Son of a bitch! That putt breaks to the right!!"

To my friends at LCCC, best wishes to all for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in 2014.
- The Editor

2013 Mi-Tee Cup Preview

"Kiss my ass, Wenning!"

Welcome to the 2013 Mi-Tee Cup!

Generally considered as golf's "Fifth Major", the Mi-Tee Cup honors the service of our good friends in the 19th Hole, Mike and Tee, and has consistently delivered more drama than a gaggle of teenage girls during prom week. Where else can you see Tom Francis actually putt a five-footer, Todd Wilson ride a Vespa through the 19th hole clad only in a red thong, or Chris Allen inexplicably switch hats at a crucial stage in the final round?

The 11th annual Mi-Tee Cup Challenge promises to be every bit as memorable as in the 10 prior years, with defending champions Team USA looking for the three-peat over the once mighty red-ass army of Team Texas.  While the weekend is expected to present some inclement weather conditions, all combatants are expected to soldier merrily along in pursuit of the Cup, armed with an ample supply of foul weather gear and, for medicinal purposes, a few "goo ones" from Mr. Tee.

For our readers' enjoyment, The Hosel Rocket has reprinted tournament summaries of the last three Mi-Tee Cups which appear below, with many of these story lines to be retold, rehashed, and/or embellished at Friday night's draft party (beginning at 6:30 PM) in the Main Dining Room.

For those unaccustomed to playing in less than ideal conditions, please click here for a helpful instructional video.  See you on Friday night, and may the best team win!

Fit To Be Tied: 2012 Mi-Tee Cup Wrap-Up

Draft night hijinks, unbridled competition, the first ever finger condom, and a back nine meltdown that rendered the Hindenburg disaster a mere popcorn fart by comparison. All this and more made the 10th annual Mi-Tee Cup Challenge one of the most memorable in memory, as a 24-24 tie allowed The Blue Menace (aka, Team USA) to retain the Cup as defending 2011 champions.

"Get me Deion. Or Withrow."

The fun began on Friday night where the brain trusts of the each team (Dave Schmertz and Cipriano Robles for Team USA; Bill Douglass, Jerry Haas, and Scott Wenning for Team Texas) went about their business with the same ruthless efficiency as Jerry Jones goes about his on draft day (only in this case, with some knowledge on how to draft talent).

After winning the coin flip, Captains Schmertz & Robles made their first selection, from which the player draft unfolded at a breakneck pace. As each player called marched somberly to the dais to receive their coveted blue or red hat, the gamesmanship began in earnest, with Team Texas making perhaps the boldest pick of all in drafting up to take the consensus All Irrelevant, Chris Allen, in the middle of the draft.

"What the f*ck?!", 48 voices exclaimed in unison.

Allen, resplendent in a mink scrotum sportcoat and serving in his customary role as politically incorrect Mi-tee Cup draft emcee, strutted to the podium with his 14 handicap in tow, cackling with delight as he plucked his red Team Texas lid off the table, discretely flipping the bird to the Team USA captains as he walked by. When James Cassels was selected as the last player in the draft, wresting the title of Mr. Irrelevant from Allen, not a soul in the room had any idea of the serendipitous turn of events that awaited these two combatants on Sunday afternoon.

In Saturday morning's Best Ball matches, the Red Hats prevailed by a score of 6 1/2 to 5 1/2, with the Blue Hats turning the tables in the afternoon Alternate Shot matches by an equivalent score, allowing both teams to finish Day 1 of the tournament tied at 12 points apiece. So fierce was the competition, that Byron "Long Ball" Barlow and Randy "Mr. Magoo" Levy were still seen clinging to the pant legs of Charles Hardy and Wenning in the 19th Hole a full hour after defeating them 1 Up.

The Stohr Finger Condom. Patent pending.

On Sunday, the two sides paired off in 24 Singles matches to decide the tournament. As with the prior day's action, the matches featured some incredible competition and momentum swings. Jim Quirk, in an epic display of sportsmanship, graciously spotted Mike George an eight-hole lead before battling back to come up just short, while Rick "Nine Finger" Stohr, turned in a heroic performance just days removed from a serious stemware mishap to defeat Jim Mason, earning another critical point for Team Texas. 

"IF ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES NEED ME,
I'LL BE IN THE CARD ROOM..."

As the combatants gathered around the scoreboard, watching the last of the matches come down to the wire, it was clear that the final match of the tournament would decide the Mi-Tee Cup, in which Chris Allen held a four-up with five holes to go lead over James Cassels. It was shortly thereafter that a huge fireball was seen over the course, confirming that Allen had inexplicably gone down in flames, bested by Cassels (no longer Irrelevant) in each of the last five holes, allowing Allen to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in a manner that would make Tony Romo proud.

At first, it was as if a concussion grenade had rendered them all unable to move or speak. The Blue Hat team stood dumbstruck at the scoreboard, not comprehending what had just occurred in the final match. Then, realizing that Cassels' heroic comeback would earn them a tie in the tournament and allow them to retain the Cup, 24 blue caps were thrown up into the air in celebration, as pandemonium broke out among the boys in blue. Bob Dray was so excited, he bought a new golf shirt. Blew Gardner fired up some Run DMC on his iPod and began breakancing on top of his golf cart. Nick Martin broke out his hairbrush, while Tom Francis was so excited that he kissed Gil Hollander full on the lips. A stunning turn of events.

Letting the Blue Hats enjoy their moment, and gracious in defeat, the Red Hats offered congratulations to their opponents, while everyone repaired to the 19th Hole for post-tournament libations and the presentation of the purse to the tournament honorees, Mike and Tee, bringing the 2012 Mi-Tee Cup to a close.

Congratulations to the members of Team USA - Dave Schmertz, Cipriano Robles, Diron French, Mike George, David Hoover, Randy Levy, Byron Barlow, Frank Carter, James McCaffrey, Mike Shearburn, Mark Najarian, Chris Weinzirl, Bob Dray, Nick Martin, James Cassels, Rodney Isom, Bob Blakely, Todd Wilson, Brandon Annett, Blewett Gardner, Gil Hollander, Jim Mason, and Robert Singletary. 

See you again next year.

Blue Heaven: Mi-Tee Cup 2011 Wrap-Up

In a spirited competition that went down to the very last Singles matches on Sunday afternoon, Team USA prevailed in the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup Challenge by a score of 26 1/2 to 21 1/2, and in doing so denied four-time defending champions Team Texas the chance to earn the coveted "five-peat".

Like many wagers, the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup was won before the competition began, in this case during the Friday night draft party. Having assembled a team of draft experts that included co-captain Cipriano Robles, vaunted NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper, former Blue Hat captain and LCCC alum Sean Charnock, and Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington, Team USA Captain Dave Schmertz employed a shock and awe strategy to plunder the ranks of Red Hat alumni, putting Team Texas captains Scott Wenning and Jerry Haas back on their heels (asses) as the draft unfolded at a dizzying pace.


"That's the way Mi-Tee Cup go."

When James Cassels was selected as the last player on the board (inheriting the title of "Mr. Irrelevant" previously held by a mysteriously absent Harry Starkweather), the team captains headed to their respective war rooms, brain trusts in tow and cocktails in hand to set the pairings for Saturday's two-man Best Ball and Alternate Shot matches.

Saturday dawned clear and windy, and inspired by Tim Unverzagt's sporty blue Fruit of The Loom plaid boxers, Team USA ran out to an early 8-4 lead in the Best Ball matches, only to see their lead virtually evaporate when Team USA won the afternoon's Alternate Shot matches by a score of 6.5 -3.5, highlighted by Lance Addison's eagle from 75 yards on #18 that stole a point for Team Texas. With but a single shot separating the teams, the 48 combatants repaired to the comfort of the 19th Hole, where cold beer and high drama awaited the selection of Sunday's Singles pairings.

Employing a player selection strategy culled from Sun Tzu's classic text, "The Art of War", Captain Schmertz brilliantly divided his forces in a manner designed to wreak maximum confusion on his opponents. Breaking ranks from Mi-Tee Cup tradition, Schmertz elected not to match LCCC head golf professional Robert Singletary against his upstart assistant, Eric Hunt, and instead announced that Diron "8-a-Side" French would take the erstwhile young pro. Left with no other option, Captain Wenning could only throw Mike "Button" Bowers out as the sacrificial lamb against Singletary, with the balance of the pairings then set for Sunday's 24-match Singles finale that would decide the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup.

The respective teams hit the course on Sunday morning, with Team Texas desperate to close the single-point deficit and retain the Cup, while Team USA was equally determined to pull away. Over the course of the next four hours the 24 matches were waged, some closing out in relatively short order while others went down to the wire. A cavalcade of golf carts followed the remaining groups, with Dave McCallum and Dan Costello dispensing drams of Scotch to the gallery courtesy of our good friend, Bill Douglass, whose recent surgery kept him out of the Mi-Tee Cup festivities this year.

Winner: 2011 Golden Fleece Award
Eric Hunt

When the final putt had been conceded and the last match of the day had come to a close, Team USA had successfully wrested the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup away from Team Texas, winning by the combined score of 26.5 - 21.5.  As 24 blue caps were simultaneously flung into the air in jubilation, Bob Blakely was seen dancing a foxtrot by the scoreboard, kissing Byron Barlow on both cheeks as Diron French consoled his vanquised opponent.

The two teams then repaired once again to the 19th Hole, where Captains Schmertz and Wenning presented tokens of the group's appreciation to the tournament namesakes, Mike and Tee, while everyone enjoyed a few post-round libations. All in all, it was unanimously agreed that after it's 9th year of competition, the Mi-tee Cup Challenge is the most competitive and enjoyable event of any on the LCCC golf calendar.

Congratulations go out once again to the victorious members of Team USA: James McCaffrey, Jim Quirk, James Cassels, Chris Weinzirl, Dave Schmertz, Tony Howard, Bob Blakely, Cipriano Robles, Matt Miller, Bob Armstrong, Gil Hollander, Rodney Isom, Tom francis, Tim Unverzagt, Terry Freeman, Jeff Wells, Blewett Gardner, Diron French, Frank Carter, and Robert Singletary.

See you all again next year.

Blue (Hat) Heaven

After having been trounced by the Red Hats (Team Texas) in the last two Mi-Tee Cup Challenge tournaments, 2010 Blue Hat (Team USA) captain Dave Schmertz is demonstrating that he will go to any lengths possible to bring an end to the reign of The Big Red Machine.

First, in one of the most audacious displays of bravado seen since Todd Wilson rode his Vespa through the dining room at the Carpenter Cup dinner wearing nothing but a red cashmere thong, Schmertz announced that he's commissioned a trophy to be awarded to the winning team of each year's Mi-Tee Cup, which Ted Borek promptly accepted on behalf of Team USA as the presumptive 2010 tournament champions.

"I predict we're going to win this thing in a landslide", said Borek. "Why should we wait until the tournament is over to accept the trophy?  Plus, I already have it on a shelf in my rumpus room"

Second, on the eve of the November 19th player draft, an investigative reporter from The Hosel Rocket discovered that Schmertz has been running a secret "Blue Hat Bootcamp" for returning members of Team USA, in a desperate effort to gain an advantage on the Big Red juggernaut. A security camera affixed to the roof of the LCCC maintenance barn recorded the attached footage, where Captain Schmertz and his trusty jeep driver, Bob Gats, can be seen leading their charges through some light calisthenics after a team meeting in the 19th Hole.

Let the games begin!