It's Not The Indian, It's The Arrow!

"Prices so low,
you'll eat your hat!"

Looking for a new sand wedge?  Has your putter lost that loving feeling?  Been planning to upgrade your driver, but find yourself a little stretched for cash?  Well, look no further.

The Hosel Rocket is proud to announce a new affiliation with tbay, the first e-commerce site dedicated solely to buyers and sellers of pre-owned golf equipment.  Headquartered in the Carrollton home of Tom Francis, tbay offers a vast inventory of quality pre-owned golf clubs, all at discount prices that will put other golf discounters to shame.

Here's what some recent customers had to say about their experiences buying from tbay:

"There must have been a hundred putters in his bathroom the day I stopped by.  I bought up a Scotty Cameron "Newport" that still had the original price tag on it for only $20!.  Thanks, tbay!!"
- G. Hollander, Irving

"I was looking for a 56-degree wedge, and was amazed at the selection at tbay. Tom took the time to give me the history on each club, and helped me select a nice Vokey Spin Mill that he sold to me for just $8.00 AND he threw in a tube of sunblock and a pack of crackers at no extra cost!"
- F. Carter, Dallas 

"I'd been having trouble getting up and down around the green, and I purchased a great utility club called 'The Chipper. Though the toe and heel of the club were pretty nicked up, the sweet spot didn't have a mark on it!  I offered Tom $10 for the club, but he gave me $20 just to take it off his hands. Try getting that kind of deal at the PGA Superstore!  I'm a tbay customer for life!!"
- M. Jackson, Irving

"If this guy Francis thinks he's going to run rough-shod over our business, he has another thing coming. I may not be able to match tbay's prices, but I'll send so many lawyers at him he won't know whether to shit or go blind. He hasn't heard the last of me..."
- E. Watts, Las Vegas, NV

There you have it, friends. For a direct link to the tbay website and a list of all equipment currently available for purchase from Tom, please click here.

Mr. Magoo, Where are You?

IRVING, TX (UPI) - In what local authorities are referring to as a case of ocular discombobulation, a Dallas resident is resting comfortably at home this evening after a mishap earlier today at the Four Seasons Resort and Club.

The man in question, Randy Levy, had visited his optometrist earlier that morning to pick up a new pair of eye glasses, where he was mistakenly given the glasses of another patient, a Mr. M. Magoo of nearby Highland Park.

Upon setting off for his weekend golf game at Las Colinas Country Club, Mr. Levy's vision apparently became so impaired that he drove instead to the adjacent Sports Club, where security footage later revealed that he drove his 1993 Ford Explorer through the club's practice range, over the first tee box, and into the cart staging area, where he narrowly missed knocking over the statue of Byron Nelson located adjacent to the first tee.

Unaware that he was at the wrong club, Mr. Levy then entered the main clubhouse, where he was subsequently found in the Women's locker room. it was there that Levy was confronted by a member, Rhonda Lewis, who found him trying to open her locker with his car keys. In an an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Ms. Lewis explained what happened next.

"So, I walked into the Women's locker room and turned the corner, where all of a sudden I saw this little bald man in Dockers, Topsiders, and a tobbogan hat trying to open my locker. I looked at him and shouted "HEY! What are you doing in here, and what are you doing in my locker?!".

He looked at me, blinking like mad through these Coke bottle glasses and said 'Your locker? Madam, please! Look! It's got my name right on it! Besides, women are only allowed to be in the 19th Hole until the club finishes its renovations, but are not allowed in the Men's Locker Room at any time. Leave now or I'll have to go get Hernando.'

"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind," continued Ms. Lewis, "and I sure as hell didn't know anything about a 19th Hole or who this Hernando was. From the crazed way he was looking at me through those glasses, I thought he might be an escaped Alzheimer's patient, or maybe he had some fetish for women's golf clothes. Either way, I wasn't taking any chances. I yelled for help and grabbed him by the arm to detain him, but he broke free of me, and unfortunately ran straight into a closed door. Knocked him out cold, and his glasses were smashed to smithereens!"

Paramedics were then summoned to the Sports Club to attend to Mr. Levy, who was found unconscious and bearing a bruise on his forehead in the shape of USE OTHER DOOR when they arrived 20 minutes later. As he had no identification on him (his wallet was later found in the bushes at the base of the Byron Nelson statue), he was taken to Parkland Hospital for treatment and observation, where he remained unconscious some six hours later.

Meanwhile, back home in Dallas, Mr. Levy's wife had become worried when he didn't show up for his regular weekly pedicure appointment at Orient Express Nail Salon & Massage in Preston Hollow. After calling Las Colinas CC and learning that he'd unexpectedly left his golf game after five holes, she grew concerned for her husband's safety, and proceeded to file a Missing Persons report.

It was only later that evening when Mr. Levy regained consciousness that he was able to explain to the doctors who he was, though he was unable to explain how he ended up at The Sports Club. A call was placed to his wife, who soon arrived at Parkland for a tearful reunion, followed by a quick trip to Lenscrafters on the way home.

In other local news, Schepp's Dairy announced that they have withdrawn their $10,000 reward for information pertaining to Mr. Levy's disappearance.

Lost in Translation

HONOLULU, HI (JULY 18) - Police were summoned to the Me Ke Aloha Love You Long Time laundromat last evening when an argument between the laundromat's owners and a vacationing Texas resident turned ugly.

According to local authorities, Michael Jackson stopped by the establishment to wash some undergarments that were soiled earlier in the day during his round on the nearby Mauna Kea golf course. Upon entering the laundromat, the owners, Mr. and Mrs. Lei Ying Lo greeted Mr. Jackson with a hearty "mahalo", a traditional Hawaiian greeting.

Apparently still heady from his pre-vacation runaway victory with partner Tom Francis in the President's Club #3 qualifier, and feeling slightly ornery after soiling himself after a botched approach to #18 at Mauna Kea, Mr. Jackson purportedly responded "Mahalo? No, the name's Fabulous. Mr. Fabulous. And you'd be wise to remember it."

"Fabulous!"

In an unfortunate linguistic twist of fate, it turns out that the phonetic Polynesian pronunciation of the word "fabulous", loosely translated, means "if my dog had a face as ugly as your wife's, I'd shave it's ass and teach it to walk backwards."

Stunned by the apparent insult to his wife, Mr. Lo responded by kicking Jackson in the testicles, as Mrs. Lo jumped on his back and began to administer a noogie to the top of his head. Disoriented and reeling in pain from the kick to his junk, Jackson began spinning wildly around the laundromat in an attempt to dislodge Mrs. Lo from his back, eventually throwing her across the laundromat into an open clothes dryer.

Deftly retrieving a quarter from his pocket, Jackson put the coin in the slot, slammed the door, and started the dryer, cackling with delight as Mrs. Lo began to tumble end over end, with a fabric softener sheet protruding from one of her nostrils.

When police arrived at the scene, the two men were locked in hand-to-hand combat, Jackson attempting to blind Mr. Lo with a spray bottle of Shout while Lo pummeled Mr. Jackson over the head with a 32-ounce bottle of Tide.  Both men were subsequently handcuffed and taken in for questioning, with assault charges against Jackson later dropped in exchange for his agreement to be immediately deported back to Dallas.

Mrs. Lo was taken to nearby Don Ho Memorial Hospital, where she was treated for static cling and bumps and bruises, and held overnight for observation.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

IRVING, TX (AP) - Officials for the New York-based Westminster Kennel Club have disqualified the defending champion, Prince Rumpus Bumpus, from competing in the 2014 WKC Dog Show, scheduled for February 10-14 at Madison Square Garden.

The Hosel Rocket has learned that the disqualification occurred at last week's North Texas regional dog show at Las Colinas Country Club, when some prescription medication for one of the club's members, Blewett Gardner, was accidentally ingested by the little West Highland Terrier.

 

WKC president, Nigel Softwick, describes what happened to Prince Rumpus Bumpus shortly after his selection as Best in Show in the European Lapdog category. "We just had set out his bowl of kibble in the Men's Locker room when Mr. Gardner exited from the bathroom. He said something about the weather being so cold, 'he had to take half a Viagra to keep from pissing on his shoes', which I thought sounded somewhat crass. It was only after the Prince was found to be missing that I found the empty Viagra packets next to his dish, which must have dropped out of Mr. Gardner's trousers. The results, I'm afraid, were somewhat predictable."

 

Surveillance footage from outside the club later showed the uber-virile Westie cavorting down the #10 fairway, stopping briefly to engage in several impromptu acts of en flagrante delecto with a trio of unsuspecting squirrels, one chipmunk, two geese, and Gil Hollander's pant leg. With his canine #2 pencil still brimming with lead, he then trotted out toward the rest room adjacent to #15 tee, where he encountered a female Westie, Pumpsy, who had stepped outside from her owners' home off #14 to answer the call of nature. And answer she did. 

 

 

With Rich McCoy (aka, "The Dog Whisperer") standing nearby to provide encouragement, the Prince and Pumpsy consummated their new relationship, after which they shared a cigarette provided by Tim Unverzagt ("there's nothing like a good smoke after you do it doggie style, I always say..."). While the story should have had (yet another) happy ending, it seems things didn't turn out so well for Prince Rumpus Bumpus.

 

"As the Westminster Kennel Club considers Viagra to be a performance enhancing drug (PED), we really didn't have any choice but to disqualify Prince Rumpus Bumpus. While Mr. Gardner seemed genuinely remorseful for his role in this incident, rules are rules.  I did hear, however, that Pumpsy's owner, Mr. Hu Flung Dung, has offered to name one of the puppies after him."

T'was The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when throughout Las Colinas,
Not a member was stirring, not even Tim’s elbow;
The golf bags were hung in the bag room below,
While the Card Room was empty, 'cept for Blew and Cipriano.

The golfers were nestled all snug in their beds,
As visions of birdies danced in their heads;
While Victoria in her nightgown, and Todd in his shorts,
Had just settled down off #12, for some indoor winter sports.

When out on the course, there arose such a clatter,
Toddie sprang from his bed, to see what was the matter;
Away to the window, he flew like Bob Dray,
Tore open the shutters (nearly took him all day!).

The moon on the breast of the now dormant sod,
Gave off a lustre like Dave Schmertz's head when he nods,
When what to Toddie's wondering eyes should appear,
But a speeding golf cart, chasing seven guys from the rear,

With a little old driver, clutching a clipboard was he,
Todd knew in a moment, t’was our own Billy D!
More rapid than turtles, his golfers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, Borek! Now, Ehlert! Now, Hardy and Miller!
On, Hollander! On Lewis! On Jackson ("The Thriller")!
Get onto the tee box! It's your five-minute call!
Now dash away! Dash away! Hit the damn ball!!

Like salmon to Capistrano, which instinctively flock,
In the face of such urging, they quickened their walk;
So up to the tee box, the golfers they flew;
With their bags full of clubs, chased by Billy D., too!

And then, in a twinkling, Todd saw out on the lawn,
A sleepwalking man, brandishing a wand!
After rubbing his eyes, not a word could he utter;
As there stood Tom Francis – with a long belly putter!

Wearing an old pair of boxers, barely covering his ass,
Onto the 12th green he wobbled, shorts covered with grass;
A bundle of putters, he had slung on his back,
Like a half-naked peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes were half open, as he munched on some Triscuits,
His physique? Dare I say? Like a can of busted biscuits!
His droll little mouth was gleaming with drool,
As he dropped a ball on the green, finally selecting his tool.

The stump of a tee he held tight in his jaws,
As he stood over the ball, putter clenched in his paws;
His head was quite broad, with a bright silver mane,
That shook when he putted (like Hepburn’s in a hurricane!)

He missed a two-footer, the right jolly old hacker,
And laughed right aloud, lining up a four-foot comebacker;
With a twitch of his hands, the putt he let fly,
Then he uttered a curse, as the ball rolled twelve inches by!

Letting out a loud sigh, he went straight to his ball,
And rolled it once more, finally watching it fall.
Then laying a finger aside of his blade,
To his golf cart he strode, the putt having finally been made.

Tossing his clubs in the cart, his practice now completed,
He then tore down O'Connor, feeling not the least bit defeated;
But he was heard to exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Son of a bitch! That putt breaks to the right!!"

To my friends at LCCC, best wishes to all for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in 2014.
- The Editor

2013 Mi-Tee Cup Preview

"Kiss my ass, Wenning!"

Welcome to the 2013 Mi-Tee Cup!

Generally considered as golf's "Fifth Major", the Mi-Tee Cup honors the service of our good friends in the 19th Hole, Mike and Tee, and has consistently delivered more drama than a gaggle of teenage girls during prom week. Where else can you see Tom Francis actually putt a five-footer, Todd Wilson ride a Vespa through the 19th hole clad only in a red thong, or Chris Allen inexplicably switch hats at a crucial stage in the final round?

The 11th annual Mi-Tee Cup Challenge promises to be every bit as memorable as in the 10 prior years, with defending champions Team USA looking for the three-peat over the once mighty red-ass army of Team Texas.  While the weekend is expected to present some inclement weather conditions, all combatants are expected to soldier merrily along in pursuit of the Cup, armed with an ample supply of foul weather gear and, for medicinal purposes, a few "goo ones" from Mr. Tee.

For our readers' enjoyment, The Hosel Rocket has reprinted tournament summaries of the last three Mi-Tee Cups which appear below, with many of these story lines to be retold, rehashed, and/or embellished at Friday night's draft party (beginning at 6:30 PM) in the Main Dining Room.

For those unaccustomed to playing in less than ideal conditions, please click here for a helpful instructional video.  See you on Friday night, and may the best team win!

Fit To Be Tied: 2012 Mi-Tee Cup Wrap-Up

Draft night hijinks, unbridled competition, the first ever finger condom, and a back nine meltdown that rendered the Hindenburg disaster a mere popcorn fart by comparison. All this and more made the 10th annual Mi-Tee Cup Challenge one of the most memorable in memory, as a 24-24 tie allowed The Blue Menace (aka, Team USA) to retain the Cup as defending 2011 champions.

"Get me Deion. Or Withrow."

The fun began on Friday night where the brain trusts of the each team (Dave Schmertz and Cipriano Robles for Team USA; Bill Douglass, Jerry Haas, and Scott Wenning for Team Texas) went about their business with the same ruthless efficiency as Jerry Jones goes about his on draft day (only in this case, with some knowledge on how to draft talent).

After winning the coin flip, Captains Schmertz & Robles made their first selection, from which the player draft unfolded at a breakneck pace. As each player called marched somberly to the dais to receive their coveted blue or red hat, the gamesmanship began in earnest, with Team Texas making perhaps the boldest pick of all in drafting up to take the consensus All Irrelevant, Chris Allen, in the middle of the draft.

"What the f*ck?!", 48 voices exclaimed in unison.

Allen, resplendent in a mink scrotum sportcoat and serving in his customary role as politically incorrect Mi-tee Cup draft emcee, strutted to the podium with his 14 handicap in tow, cackling with delight as he plucked his red Team Texas lid off the table, discretely flipping the bird to the Team USA captains as he walked by. When James Cassels was selected as the last player in the draft, wresting the title of Mr. Irrelevant from Allen, not a soul in the room had any idea of the serendipitous turn of events that awaited these two combatants on Sunday afternoon.

In Saturday morning's Best Ball matches, the Red Hats prevailed by a score of 6 1/2 to 5 1/2, with the Blue Hats turning the tables in the afternoon Alternate Shot matches by an equivalent score, allowing both teams to finish Day 1 of the tournament tied at 12 points apiece. So fierce was the competition, that Byron "Long Ball" Barlow and Randy "Mr. Magoo" Levy were still seen clinging to the pant legs of Charles Hardy and Wenning in the 19th Hole a full hour after defeating them 1 Up.

The Stohr Finger Condom. Patent pending.

On Sunday, the two sides paired off in 24 Singles matches to decide the tournament. As with the prior day's action, the matches featured some incredible competition and momentum swings. Jim Quirk, in an epic display of sportsmanship, graciously spotted Mike George an eight-hole lead before battling back to come up just short, while Rick "Nine Finger" Stohr, turned in a heroic performance just days removed from a serious stemware mishap to defeat Jim Mason, earning another critical point for Team Texas. 

"IF ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES NEED ME,
I'LL BE IN THE CARD ROOM..."

As the combatants gathered around the scoreboard, watching the last of the matches come down to the wire, it was clear that the final match of the tournament would decide the Mi-Tee Cup, in which Chris Allen held a four-up with five holes to go lead over James Cassels. It was shortly thereafter that a huge fireball was seen over the course, confirming that Allen had inexplicably gone down in flames, bested by Cassels (no longer Irrelevant) in each of the last five holes, allowing Allen to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in a manner that would make Tony Romo proud.

At first, it was as if a concussion grenade had rendered them all unable to move or speak. The Blue Hat team stood dumbstruck at the scoreboard, not comprehending what had just occurred in the final match. Then, realizing that Cassels' heroic comeback would earn them a tie in the tournament and allow them to retain the Cup, 24 blue caps were thrown up into the air in celebration, as pandemonium broke out among the boys in blue. Bob Dray was so excited, he bought a new golf shirt. Blew Gardner fired up some Run DMC on his iPod and began breakancing on top of his golf cart. Nick Martin broke out his hairbrush, while Tom Francis was so excited that he kissed Gil Hollander full on the lips. A stunning turn of events.

Letting the Blue Hats enjoy their moment, and gracious in defeat, the Red Hats offered congratulations to their opponents, while everyone repaired to the 19th Hole for post-tournament libations and the presentation of the purse to the tournament honorees, Mike and Tee, bringing the 2012 Mi-Tee Cup to a close.

Congratulations to the members of Team USA - Dave Schmertz, Cipriano Robles, Diron French, Mike George, David Hoover, Randy Levy, Byron Barlow, Frank Carter, James McCaffrey, Mike Shearburn, Mark Najarian, Chris Weinzirl, Bob Dray, Nick Martin, James Cassels, Rodney Isom, Bob Blakely, Todd Wilson, Brandon Annett, Blewett Gardner, Gil Hollander, Jim Mason, and Robert Singletary. 

See you again next year.