When Your Tee Time is Right, Will You Be Ready?

Lacking your customary distance off the tee? Thinking that it might be time to upgrade your driver, or maybe overhaul your entire swing? It could be that you're suffering from something more serious than outdated equipment or a swing resembling a folding lawn chair. 

You could be suffering from PD - Projectile Dysfunction.

Those suffering from PD may experience symptoms including runny nose, dry mouth, loose bowels, hitting driver on #4, frequent urges to urinate, ridicule from their playing partners, and a decrease in semen.

Fortunately, there's no reason to live with the shame and embarassment of PD, as men such as Ted Borek (see above) have found. No, the cure for PD can't be found in your neighborhood pharmacy, but rather on the LCCC driving range, as the accompanying video will illustrate.

Remember, with your help, we can stamp out PD in our lifetime.

Even His Father Was a Mudder

Conditions were a little sloppy on the course over the weekend, with many combatants opting to watch their golf on TV instead of slogging it out on the course.
There were, however, four intrepid souls who ventured out onto the course on Sunday, one of whom will require a little extra dry cleaning.

Anyone who can name the owner of these pants will receive a free one-year subscription to The Hosel Rocket, with those unsuccessful winning two-year subscriptions.

Phone lines now open!

Help The Homeless, Part Two

"I'm not coming back until you
redecorate that 19th Hole"

Long-time Hosel Rocket subscribers will remember the touching story of Boxcar Bob (right), a member of our local homeless community whom Ted Borek brought to LCCC last winter in a well-intentioned but ultimately unsuccessful effort to get him off the mean streets of Irving.

"I still don't get it," said Borek recently, after paying a visit to "Box" in his humble abode behind the Tom Thumb supermarket, "but I guess that just goes to show that while you can take the man out of the box, you can't always take the box out of the man."

Undeterred by the failure of the Boxcar Bob experiment, and citing the success of the new ONE Class Sleeper Seats installed in the Men's Card Room, GM Ron Woolard recently announced the opening of a new homeless shelter at LCCC for area residents who occasionally find themselves in need of a warm place to sleep on a cold night.

Operating out of the smoking room adjacent to the Card Room, the "LCCC Flop House" will feature two leather sofas that can be used as beds, cable TV, hot showers, and unlimited coffee and Chex Mix the following morning.

"ZZZZZ....F*CKING HOLTGRIEVE.....ZZZZ"

The first guest at the new shelter was none other than Chris Daniels, who completed a successful test run last weekend, and was later seen watching the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am from the comfort of the 19th Hole.

Those who find themselves unexpectedly in need of a bed at the Flop House are reminded that accommodations are on a first come, first served basis.

Confirmed - Officially "The Most Interesting Man in The World"

There isn't a member at LCCC who won't agree that our own Bill Douglass personifies the term "a gentleman and a scholar".  Devastatingly handsome, sartorially savvy, incredibly well-read, and possessing impeccable manners, women want to be with him, while men simply want to be him. What many don't know is that he also happens to be one heck of a dancer.


"I don't always drink beer. But when
I do, it's because I'm out of Scotch."

"I try not to talk too much about it," offered Billy D. in a recent interview with The Hosel Rocket, "as I know a few guys at Las Colinas who are pretty proud of their dancing ability. In particular, John Ehlert and Ted Borek come to mind, though people might stop coming to Carpenter's if they don't start dancing with their wives instead of with each other. However, when the news broke about my needing to take time off from work to go to Hollywood, it was impossible to keep it a secret any longer."

In a stunning exclusive, THR has learned that Mr. Douglass (aka, "The British Baryshnikov") and Lisa Lowry (wife of Danny "I Own Matt Miller's Ass" Lowry) were recently selected to compete in the upcoming season of ABC's hit series Dancing With The Stars. The manner in which they came to be selected is an amazing story all by itself.

In a fortuitous development, the host of the show, Tom Bergeron, had flown into DFW last June for a weekend of observing tryouts for prospective DWTS participants. Upon landing and retrieving his rental car, he mistakenly punched in the address for LCCC into his GPS instead of the coordinates for the nearby The Four Seasons where the tryouts were taking place.

"Danny? Danny who? Bill, I don't have
any idea who you're talking about."

Pulling into the LCCC club grounds, he followed the sound of blaring music to the vicinity of the pool, believing it was the dancers warming up for their auditions. After parking in front of the pool house, he stepped through the gates, only to find the luau for the 2011 La Buena Bola member-guest golf tournament in full swing.

While the crowd's attention was drawn to some commotion taking place on the pool diving board, Bergeron observed Mr. Douglass and Mrs. Lowry gleefully shaking a leg to Bing Crosby's classic "Mele Kalikimaka", limboing gracefully under a four-foot ladder and some old Christmas lights that GM Ron Woolard had rigged in an effort to keep the roof of the decrepit pool house from collapsing.

With a keen eye for talent (as well as dancing), Bergeron approached the couple, introduced himself, and signed them up on the spot.

"Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers couldn't carry their lunch on their best day," mused Bergeron, "and if I were Mr. Lowry, I wouldn't count on seeing my wife any time soon. Did you see the moves on that old guy?  Smoother than Tom Francis over a three-footer, that's all I can say."

Man Bites Dog!

"Hey, Eric. Why dontcha reach down
there and fix my ball mark? Gracias."

All members of the LCCC Hole-in-One Club are hereby put on notice that it's once again time to pay up, in this case our very own Mike "The Man Child" Withrow, who recorded an ace during a Super Bowl weekend boondoggle to Las Vegas.

Mike's HIO was recorded at Coyote Springs Golf Course, where he bumped a 9-iron off the hosel and into the jar from 145 yards out, wearing nothing more than a shit-eating grin, Ecco golf shoes, a red Speedo, and a "I (heart) Moonlight Bunny Ranch" tank top.

The hole-in-one was witnessed by Chris Daniels, Steve Holtgrieve, Jeff Forbus, and Eric Hunt, along with a gallery of Las Vegas-area residents that included Sigfreid & Roy, Penn & Teller, Wayne Newton, and Celine Dion (who was driving the beverage cart).

At present, there are 43 members of the HIO Club, meaning that once Mike pays himself (which could take some time), he'll be calling on the rest of the members to complete his $4,200 payday.  Those wanting to get into the club should click here to register.

Congratulations, Mike!

Your Nap. Reinvented.

For some, a day at LCCC is more than just a pleasant diversion from the grind of the work week, but rather a grueling test of endurance. 18 holes of golf, a few post-round cocktails on the patio, and several hours of gin rummy can sap the strength of even the hardiest of souls, some of whom occassionally run out of gas before they can make it to the car.

"zzzz...that's it...yes, right there...
...use more whipped cream...zzzz"

In the event you might have missed the announcement in his recent "State of The Club" newsletter, Ron Woolard is pleased to announce LCCC's new ONE Class Sleeper Seats, which can be reserved in the Card Room for a nominal membership upgrade fee of $75/month.

Designed in partnership with American Airlines, Ron claims these seats offer more legroom than any club in the Metroplex, and recline to a full 5 degrees when deployed in the sleeping position. Upholstered in fine naugahyde, each set features Kevlar-reinforced arm rests and casters, along with unlimited popcorn, cable TV, and complimentary wake-up service from Mr. Tee upon arrival the following morning.

Despite being installed for less than a month, the new ONE Class Sleeper Seats have been an instant hit, as former LCCC president James "The Sandman" Cassels demonstrates above, while a patient Cipriano Robles waits for his upgrade.

"LCCC. We Know Why You Snooze."

Film at Eleven

IRVING, Texas (AP) — Investigators say four people escaped injury when a helicopter made a rough emergency landing on a golf course. While a preliminary report from the FAA stated that the engine apparently quit, thereby forcing the chopper to land Sunday afternoon at Las Colinas Country Club, The Hosel Rocket has learned that the near catastrophe was caused by an errant tee shot from a member of the club, Cipriano Robles.


According to his playing companions,Robles was engaged in a high-stakes golf match known as "baseball", where wagering is based on whether a player's tee shot comes to rest on the left or right side of each fairway. As the match advanced to the 14th hole, and losing badly in the betting, Robles apparently devised a plan to get back in the match. Hailing a beverage cart and ordering a can of Stella Artois, Robles proceeded to drain the beer in a single gulp, and strode toward the #14 tee.

"This is the shot you guys came to see. I'm going for the green!", announced Robles to his playing companions, placing the empty Stella can on the ground as a tee, and setting his golf ball gently upon it. Taking advantage of the strong tailwind and the elevation of his ersatz tee, Robles took a Happy Gilmore-esque rip, sending his ball soaring over the trees toward the green below, confident of at least a two-putt birdie 3 or a possible eagle 2. 

In an unfortunate stroke of timing, a CBS helicopter was flying over the #14 fairway at precisely that very moment, filming a made for prime time match play event between Tom Francis and CD Heinen for Shell's Wonderful World of Golf. As the tail of the chopper took the brunt of the errant shot, Robles and his playing partners could only watch in horror as the craft begin to spin, the pilot working furiously to wrestle the chopper and its occupants to safety.

Fortunately for all concerned, the pilot's efforts were successful. He skillfully brought the stricken bird to a soft landing on the 14th fairway with help from John Cutler, who used a pair of Ping utility woods as paddles to direct the landing. After jumping in a cart and racing down the hill to the crash site, Cip exchanged insurance information with the pilot, then joined John for a quick picture (above).

With disaster averted and everyone's collective attention turned back to golf, Cip then asked for a ruling.

"Hey! It's just like #10 at Canyon Creek. You know, if you hit that telephone wire over the fairway, you get to reload!", he pleaded to his playing partners.  "That helicopter wouldn't even have been there if they weren't trying to film Tom Francis' putting stroke. Come on!"