Rocket Clubz

As a reminder, tomorrow (March 30) is Demo Day at the club, with a large selection of putters, irons, wedges, fairway woods and drivers available for test drive from a wide range of manufacturers.

Some, it seems, couldn't wait for Demo day to arrive. Fed up with all the marketing hype around TaylorMade's RocketBallz club line, Todd Wilson is the first member of LCCC to play with the new RiverRocket, Model H20.

"Wilson! Come back Wilson!! WILSON!!!"

Manufactured by Nike, this 460-cc, ultra-stiff, weapon of grass destruction features an innovative titanium cavity that delivers a perfect combination of balance, distance, control and, when needed, buoyancy.

With a distinctive head cover crafted from the finest mink scrotum, the RiverRocket is on sale now in the pro shop at a discounted price of $499.  Put one in your bag, and you'll never have to worry about carrying the river to the left of hole #5 again.

Flushed...with Pride

Whether wielding a deck of cards, a ball retriever, or his checkbook, Bob Dray is a guy who plays to win, a philosophy he has always applied to the political arena as well.

"Fork it over, buttercup. Its
for a good cause. Trust me." 


A staunch liberal and generous donor to the National Democratic Party, Bob was recently appointed by Vice President Joe Biden to lead the Irving chapter of the 2012 Obama-Biden re-election campaign.

Taking on his new responsibilities with the same determination he brings to emptying our ponds of golf balls, Bob made what he thought was a generous contribution to the campaign war chest of the Democratic Party, but one that ended up coming back to bit him on the ass.  Literally.

"Look, anyone who knows me understands I recently had surgery on my hand, and it affected my handwriting a little," lamented Dray in an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket. "I wrote a check for $2,012 to 'Obama Biden', but it's obvious those idiots in Washington couldn't read my writing."

A quick visit to a warehouse in a sketchy section of Highland Park revealed the consequences of Dray's wobbly penmanship. "Those damn knuckleheads shipped me 2,012 Obama Bidets; the money was supposed to go to the re-election campaign. I know I have 12 bathrooms in my house, but what the hell am I going to do with the other 2,000?" 

"Dray's Oval Office"

In a classic example of turning lemons into lemonade, Dray applied his entrepreneurial genius to create a new business model for his new inventory of personal hygiene products.

After first consulting with road construction magnet Bob Armstrong ("Bob's Barricades") to verify that there would be no trademark infringement issues, Dray announced the launch of his new business, "Dray's Bidets" last week on ABC's Good Morning America, and his plan to rent out official President Barack Obama Bidets to LCCC members on a monthly basis.

"Look, summer's coming, and everyone gets a little case of swamp crotch after a round of golf in 95-degree heat. What better way to refresh yourself after four hours of golf (six, if you're Tom Francis) than with a quick trip to Dray's Bidet's?," gushed Bob. "Plus, if you're a ONE Member, I'll throw in the second unit at the same cost."

"If Herb Kohler could make money on this stuff, why can't I? Who knows, if this business takes off, I just might build my own golf course, just like he did with Whistling Straits."

In a related story, AVID Golfer magazine has announced that their May edition will feature a sneak preview of a new, ultra-exclusive golf club that will open later in 2012. Located in Dallas on the shores of Bachman Lake, The Links at Porcelain Trace is expected to surpass Dallas National Golf Club as the preferred club for the most discerning golfers in the Metroplex.

Look for the issue next month on newsstands everywhere.

R.I.P. Winter 2011-2012

With a recent run of glorious weather, and our fairways and trees turning a brighter shade of green with each passing weekend, it's apparent that Old Man Winter has left town, leaving his older brother, Bob Dray, to fend for himself for another year.

"How to find dis place, Cool River?
I hear day have Beaver dere."

As such, Commission Carter has decreed that Winter Rules are hereby suspended effective this weekend, along with the grip-length of relief that we've enjoyed through soggy conditions over the last several months. However, as we prepare to go back to playing the ball as it lies, not everyone is pleased with the arrival of spring at LCCC.

"I'm packing up zee traps in tree days and heading home", announced Pierre "Pepe" LePelt, the nomadic French Canadian fur trader, part-time golfer and seasonal resident of the grounds of Las Colinas Country Club. 

"Too many golfers on course now - scare away all zee animals," lamented a forlorn LePelt.  Muskrats? All hidink. Woodchuck? Same ting. And zee beaver? Oo la la, Francois love zee beaver, even da ones wit four legs. But day all gone, too."

When asked if the indigenous bird, fish, and vermin population would be enough to sustain his trapping and fur trading business until next winter, LePelt was unequivocal. "Normally, oui. But one a dem golfers iss out dere keeling all da birts, feeshes, and rodints with da golf ball. Merde! I don't who dees sheethead iss, but if Pierre catch im, he wring hiss scrawny neck!"

When Your Tee Time is Right, Will You Be Ready?

Lacking your customary distance off the tee? Thinking that it might be time to upgrade your driver, or maybe overhaul your entire swing? It could be that you're suffering from something more serious than outdated equipment or a swing resembling a folding lawn chair. 

You could be suffering from PD - Projectile Dysfunction.

Those suffering from PD may experience symptoms including runny nose, dry mouth, loose bowels, hitting driver on #4, frequent urges to urinate, ridicule from their playing partners, and a decrease in semen.

Fortunately, there's no reason to live with the shame and embarassment of PD, as men such as Ted Borek (see above) have found. No, the cure for PD can't be found in your neighborhood pharmacy, but rather on the LCCC driving range, as the accompanying video will illustrate.

Remember, with your help, we can stamp out PD in our lifetime.

Even His Father Was a Mudder

Conditions were a little sloppy on the course over the weekend, with many combatants opting to watch their golf on TV instead of slogging it out on the course.
There were, however, four intrepid souls who ventured out onto the course on Sunday, one of whom will require a little extra dry cleaning.

Anyone who can name the owner of these pants will receive a free one-year subscription to The Hosel Rocket, with those unsuccessful winning two-year subscriptions.

Phone lines now open!

Help The Homeless, Part Two

"I'm not coming back until you
redecorate that 19th Hole"

Long-time Hosel Rocket subscribers will remember the touching story of Boxcar Bob (right), a member of our local homeless community whom Ted Borek brought to LCCC last winter in a well-intentioned but ultimately unsuccessful effort to get him off the mean streets of Irving.

"I still don't get it," said Borek recently, after paying a visit to "Box" in his humble abode behind the Tom Thumb supermarket, "but I guess that just goes to show that while you can take the man out of the box, you can't always take the box out of the man."

Undeterred by the failure of the Boxcar Bob experiment, and citing the success of the new ONE Class Sleeper Seats installed in the Men's Card Room, GM Ron Woolard recently announced the opening of a new homeless shelter at LCCC for area residents who occasionally find themselves in need of a warm place to sleep on a cold night.

Operating out of the smoking room adjacent to the Card Room, the "LCCC Flop House" will feature two leather sofas that can be used as beds, cable TV, hot showers, and unlimited coffee and Chex Mix the following morning.

"ZZZZZ....F*CKING HOLTGRIEVE.....ZZZZ"

The first guest at the new shelter was none other than Chris Daniels, who completed a successful test run last weekend, and was later seen watching the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am from the comfort of the 19th Hole.

Those who find themselves unexpectedly in need of a bed at the Flop House are reminded that accommodations are on a first come, first served basis.

Confirmed - Officially "The Most Interesting Man in The World"

There isn't a member at LCCC who won't agree that our own Bill Douglass personifies the term "a gentleman and a scholar".  Devastatingly handsome, sartorially savvy, incredibly well-read, and possessing impeccable manners, women want to be with him, while men simply want to be him. What many don't know is that he also happens to be one heck of a dancer.


"I don't always drink beer. But when
I do, it's because I'm out of Scotch."

"I try not to talk too much about it," offered Billy D. in a recent interview with The Hosel Rocket, "as I know a few guys at Las Colinas who are pretty proud of their dancing ability. In particular, John Ehlert and Ted Borek come to mind, though people might stop coming to Carpenter's if they don't start dancing with their wives instead of with each other. However, when the news broke about my needing to take time off from work to go to Hollywood, it was impossible to keep it a secret any longer."

In a stunning exclusive, THR has learned that Mr. Douglass (aka, "The British Baryshnikov") and Lisa Lowry (wife of Danny "I Own Matt Miller's Ass" Lowry) were recently selected to compete in the upcoming season of ABC's hit series Dancing With The Stars. The manner in which they came to be selected is an amazing story all by itself.

In a fortuitous development, the host of the show, Tom Bergeron, had flown into DFW last June for a weekend of observing tryouts for prospective DWTS participants. Upon landing and retrieving his rental car, he mistakenly punched in the address for LCCC into his GPS instead of the coordinates for the nearby The Four Seasons where the tryouts were taking place.

"Danny? Danny who? Bill, I don't have
any idea who you're talking about."

Pulling into the LCCC club grounds, he followed the sound of blaring music to the vicinity of the pool, believing it was the dancers warming up for their auditions. After parking in front of the pool house, he stepped through the gates, only to find the luau for the 2011 La Buena Bola member-guest golf tournament in full swing.

While the crowd's attention was drawn to some commotion taking place on the pool diving board, Bergeron observed Mr. Douglass and Mrs. Lowry gleefully shaking a leg to Bing Crosby's classic "Mele Kalikimaka", limboing gracefully under a four-foot ladder and some old Christmas lights that GM Ron Woolard had rigged in an effort to keep the roof of the decrepit pool house from collapsing.

With a keen eye for talent (as well as dancing), Bergeron approached the couple, introduced himself, and signed them up on the spot.

"Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers couldn't carry their lunch on their best day," mused Bergeron, "and if I were Mr. Lowry, I wouldn't count on seeing my wife any time soon. Did you see the moves on that old guy?  Smoother than Tom Francis over a three-footer, that's all I can say."