After only five years, two general managers, 34 PowerPoint presentations, one exorcism from Pope Benedict, 364,721 bladed sand shots, three broken wrists, a cacophony of profanity, and one partridge in a pear tree later, our beloved investor owners at KSL/ClubCorp finally agreed to pry open their coffers to restore our bunkers to private club conditions.
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| "OMG! These bunkers look like hell!" |
"I don't know what all the fuss was about", offered ClubCorp CEO Eric Affeldt, interviewed recently by The Hosel Rocket. "You're not supposed to hit into the damn things anyway, and there's more important places that our company needs to be investing that money. Like my bonus, for example. Or fractional ownership in a Gulfstream. Plus, I kind of liked it that President Bush referred to LCCC's sand traps as 'Eva Brauns' - you know, two shots in every bunker! Hilarious!"
Despite coming off as prickly as a man who'd just been hit with a cattle prod, Affeldt quickly switched gears. "Look, I understand that the bunkers were an embarrassment, and that we put this project off far too long while continuing to gouge...err...I mean, increase dues for our Full Golf members each year. I get it. However, be assured that it's not the last capital improvement project that you'll see at LCCC in 2013. You just wait and see!"
As Affeldt excused himself to call his broker, our intrepid reporter managed to purloin a copy of the 2013 ClubCorp capital improvements plan for LCCC, detailed on a cocktail napkin that also contained a couple of phone numbers and a short grocery list. As a result, THR is pleased to be the first to report two exciting new projects to enhance our members' golf experience.
The first - hold your breath - is the addition of soap to the ball washers on each hole. The second is the result of a new partnership between KSL and an Australia-based paper company (Thunder Down Under, LLP) which will introduce new toilet tissue to the on-course restroom adjacent to Holes #5 and #12. A brief promotional video from TDU, LLP is attached.
