Gut Check

FEBRUARY 14, 2013 (UPI) - After coming a scant seven yards short of surpassing Eric Dickerson's single-season NFL rushing record, Minnesota Vikings star tailback Adrian Peterson announced that he was heading for off-season surgery, as first reported by Mike Garafolo of USA Today.

"It's something that's was bothering me for a while," lamented Peterson in an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, "and I guess I was just a little uneasy about someone putting a knife so close to...you know...my junk. However, when my physician told me about one of his other patients and the courage he displayed in agreeing to this same operation, I thought it was time to man-up and get it over with."

In blatant violation of at least 10 different HIPPA regulations, Peterson's physician, Dr. Hugh G. Rection, went full-disclosure on what got Peterson off his ass and onto the operating table.

"The term 'sports hernia' is somewhat of a misnomer," stated Dr. Rection. Most people who experience this injury are not in the least bit athletic. The hernia itself is typically induced by engaging in activities intended to make one appear as if they're athletic, such as stringing Christmas lights, walking to the mailbox, or attempting to coax a golf ball into the hole. Such was the case with one of my other patients, Mr. Tom Francis."

"In my professional opinion, it was this last action that was the source of Tom's injury, a sudden, violent spasm of lower body movement that weakened the muscles of his abdominal wall. In Mr. Peterson's case, the very same injury was caused by being tackled repeatedly by the likes of Brian Urlacher and Clay Matthews, so you needn't have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night to be able to draw some pretty accurate conclusions as to the relative athleticism of these two patients."

After performing a detailed physical examination, Dr. Rection concluded that the injury occurred when Mr. Francis conceded himself a six-foot par putt on December 22, 2012. "The sudden, simultaneous movement of arm and hip created while raking the ball away from the hole, commonly known as Ferguson's Syndrome, created an excessive amount of torque in his lower extremities, causing the tear that ultimately necessitated the surgery," offered the doctor. "I hope he at least won a skin on that hole."

As for Mr. Peterson, all it took for him to agree to the surgery was a quick chat with Mr. Francis, the promise of a yellow Hello Kitty bandage for his incision, and a free tour of Cowboys Stadium. He agreed to undergo the surgery next day, while Mr. Francis predicts that his fellow sports hernia survivor will at full speed when training camp opens in August.

Brushing Up on Wine

“A man will be eloquent if you give him good wine.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it."
-Anonymous

"Hey, Gil! I like this one a lot!! Subtle yet insouciant, I detect textures of cherry, mocha, and vanilla, with a crisp Colgate finish and a hint of fluoride that lingers delicately on the palate."
- Tom Francis

Whether you prefer to drink your wine out of a glass or a toothbrush cup, please check the recently expanded wine list next time you're dining at OAGC. Tommy recommends you try a glass of the 2014 Dented Head Chardonnay, from Srixon Vineyards right here in The Colony.

"It goes GREAT with a Meat Loaf sandwich!" 

It's Not The Indian, It's The Arrow!

"Prices so low,
you'll eat your hat!"

Looking for a new sand wedge?  Has your putter lost that loving feeling?  Been planning to upgrade your driver, but find yourself a little stretched for cash?  Well, look no further.

The Hosel Rocket is proud to announce a new affiliation with tbay, the first e-commerce site dedicated solely to buyers and sellers of pre-owned golf equipment.  Headquartered in the Carrollton home of Tom Francis, tbay offers a vast inventory of quality pre-owned golf clubs, all at discount prices that will put other golf discounters to shame.

Here's what some recent customers had to say about their experiences buying from tbay:

"There must have been a hundred putters in his bathroom the day I stopped by.  I bought up a Scotty Cameron "Newport" that still had the original price tag on it for only $20!.  Thanks, tbay!!"
- G. Hollander, Irving

"I was looking for a 56-degree wedge, and was amazed at the selection at tbay. Tom took the time to give me the history on each club, and helped me select a nice Vokey Spin Mill that he sold to me for just $8.00 AND he threw in a tube of sunblock and a pack of crackers at no extra cost!"
- F. Carter, Dallas 

"I'd been having trouble getting up and down around the green, and I purchased a great utility club called 'The Chipper. Though the toe and heel of the club were pretty nicked up, the sweet spot didn't have a mark on it!  I offered Tom $10 for the club, but he gave me $20 just to take it off his hands. Try getting that kind of deal at the PGA Superstore!  I'm a tbay customer for life!!"
- M. Jackson, Irving

"If this guy Francis thinks he's going to run rough-shod over our business, he has another thing coming. I may not be able to match tbay's prices, but I'll send so many lawyers at him he won't know whether to shit or go blind. He hasn't heard the last of me..."
- E. Watts, Las Vegas, NV

There you have it, friends. For a direct link to the tbay website and a list of all equipment currently available for purchase from Tom, please click here.

Mr. Magoo, Where are You?

IRVING, TX (UPI) - In what local authorities are referring to as a case of ocular discombobulation, a Dallas resident is resting comfortably at home this evening after a mishap earlier today at the Four Seasons Resort and Club.

The man in question, Randy Levy, had visited his optometrist earlier that morning to pick up a new pair of eye glasses, where he was mistakenly given the glasses of another patient, a Mr. M. Magoo of nearby Highland Park.

Upon setting off for his weekend golf game at Las Colinas Country Club, Mr. Levy's vision apparently became so impaired that he drove instead to the adjacent Sports Club, where security footage later revealed that he drove his 1993 Ford Explorer through the club's practice range, over the first tee box, and into the cart staging area, where he narrowly missed knocking over the statue of Byron Nelson located adjacent to the first tee.

Unaware that he was at the wrong club, Mr. Levy then entered the main clubhouse, where he was subsequently found in the Women's locker room. it was there that Levy was confronted by a member, Rhonda Lewis, who found him trying to open her locker with his car keys. In an an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Ms. Lewis explained what happened next.

"So, I walked into the Women's locker room and turned the corner, where all of a sudden I saw this little bald man in Dockers, Topsiders, and a tobbogan hat trying to open my locker. I looked at him and shouted "HEY! What are you doing in here, and what are you doing in my locker?!".

He looked at me, blinking like mad through these Coke bottle glasses and said 'Your locker? Madam, please! Look! It's got my name right on it! Besides, women are only allowed to be in the 19th Hole until the club finishes its renovations, but are not allowed in the Men's Locker Room at any time. Leave now or I'll have to go get Hernando.'

"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind," continued Ms. Lewis, "and I sure as hell didn't know anything about a 19th Hole or who this Hernando was. From the crazed way he was looking at me through those glasses, I thought he might be an escaped Alzheimer's patient, or maybe he had some fetish for women's golf clothes. Either way, I wasn't taking any chances. I yelled for help and grabbed him by the arm to detain him, but he broke free of me, and unfortunately ran straight into a closed door. Knocked him out cold, and his glasses were smashed to smithereens!"

Paramedics were then summoned to the Sports Club to attend to Mr. Levy, who was found unconscious and bearing a bruise on his forehead in the shape of USE OTHER DOOR when they arrived 20 minutes later. As he had no identification on him (his wallet was later found in the bushes at the base of the Byron Nelson statue), he was taken to Parkland Hospital for treatment and observation, where he remained unconscious some six hours later.

Meanwhile, back home in Dallas, Mr. Levy's wife had become worried when he didn't show up for his regular weekly pedicure appointment at Orient Express Nail Salon & Massage in Preston Hollow. After calling Las Colinas CC and learning that he'd unexpectedly left his golf game after five holes, she grew concerned for her husband's safety, and proceeded to file a Missing Persons report.

It was only later that evening when Mr. Levy regained consciousness that he was able to explain to the doctors who he was, though he was unable to explain how he ended up at The Sports Club. A call was placed to his wife, who soon arrived at Parkland for a tearful reunion, followed by a quick trip to Lenscrafters on the way home.

In other local news, Schepp's Dairy announced that they have withdrawn their $10,000 reward for information pertaining to Mr. Levy's disappearance.

Lost in Translation

HONOLULU, HI (JULY 18) - Police were summoned to the Me Ke Aloha Love You Long Time laundromat last evening when an argument between the laundromat's owners and a vacationing Texas resident turned ugly.

According to local authorities, Michael Jackson stopped by the establishment to wash some undergarments that were soiled earlier in the day during his round on the nearby Mauna Kea golf course. Upon entering the laundromat, the owners, Mr. and Mrs. Lei Ying Lo greeted Mr. Jackson with a hearty "mahalo", a traditional Hawaiian greeting.

Apparently still heady from his pre-vacation runaway victory with partner Tom Francis in the President's Club #3 qualifier, and feeling slightly ornery after soiling himself after a botched approach to #18 at Mauna Kea, Mr. Jackson purportedly responded "Mahalo? No, the name's Fabulous. Mr. Fabulous. And you'd be wise to remember it."

"Fabulous!"

In an unfortunate linguistic twist of fate, it turns out that the phonetic Polynesian pronunciation of the word "fabulous", loosely translated, means "if my dog had a face as ugly as your wife's, I'd shave it's ass and teach it to walk backwards."

Stunned by the apparent insult to his wife, Mr. Lo responded by kicking Jackson in the testicles, as Mrs. Lo jumped on his back and began to administer a noogie to the top of his head. Disoriented and reeling in pain from the kick to his junk, Jackson began spinning wildly around the laundromat in an attempt to dislodge Mrs. Lo from his back, eventually throwing her across the laundromat into an open clothes dryer.

Deftly retrieving a quarter from his pocket, Jackson put the coin in the slot, slammed the door, and started the dryer, cackling with delight as Mrs. Lo began to tumble end over end, with a fabric softener sheet protruding from one of her nostrils.

When police arrived at the scene, the two men were locked in hand-to-hand combat, Jackson attempting to blind Mr. Lo with a spray bottle of Shout while Lo pummeled Mr. Jackson over the head with a 32-ounce bottle of Tide.  Both men were subsequently handcuffed and taken in for questioning, with assault charges against Jackson later dropped in exchange for his agreement to be immediately deported back to Dallas.

Mrs. Lo was taken to nearby Don Ho Memorial Hospital, where she was treated for static cling and bumps and bruises, and held overnight for observation.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

IRVING, TX (AP) - Officials for the New York-based Westminster Kennel Club have disqualified the defending champion, Prince Rumpus Bumpus, from competing in the 2014 WKC Dog Show, scheduled for February 10-14 at Madison Square Garden.

The Hosel Rocket has learned that the disqualification occurred at last week's North Texas regional dog show at Las Colinas Country Club, when some prescription medication for one of the club's members, Blewett Gardner, was accidentally ingested by the little West Highland Terrier.

 

WKC president, Nigel Softwick, describes what happened to Prince Rumpus Bumpus shortly after his selection as Best in Show in the European Lapdog category. "We just had set out his bowl of kibble in the Men's Locker room when Mr. Gardner exited from the bathroom. He said something about the weather being so cold, 'he had to take half a Viagra to keep from pissing on his shoes', which I thought sounded somewhat crass. It was only after the Prince was found to be missing that I found the empty Viagra packets next to his dish, which must have dropped out of Mr. Gardner's trousers. The results, I'm afraid, were somewhat predictable."

 

Surveillance footage from outside the club later showed the uber-virile Westie cavorting down the #10 fairway, stopping briefly to engage in several impromptu acts of en flagrante delecto with a trio of unsuspecting squirrels, one chipmunk, two geese, and Gil Hollander's pant leg. With his canine #2 pencil still brimming with lead, he then trotted out toward the rest room adjacent to #15 tee, where he encountered a female Westie, Pumpsy, who had stepped outside from her owners' home off #14 to answer the call of nature. And answer she did. 

 

 

With Rich McCoy (aka, "The Dog Whisperer") standing nearby to provide encouragement, the Prince and Pumpsy consummated their new relationship, after which they shared a cigarette provided by Tim Unverzagt ("there's nothing like a good smoke after you do it doggie style, I always say..."). While the story should have had (yet another) happy ending, it seems things didn't turn out so well for Prince Rumpus Bumpus.

 

"As the Westminster Kennel Club considers Viagra to be a performance enhancing drug (PED), we really didn't have any choice but to disqualify Prince Rumpus Bumpus. While Mr. Gardner seemed genuinely remorseful for his role in this incident, rules are rules.  I did hear, however, that Pumpsy's owner, Mr. Hu Flung Dung, has offered to name one of the puppies after him."