Tommy Says "Have an Awesome 2012!"

"Awesome!"

As we prepare to mark the arrival of another new year, many of us will do so with a myriad of New Year's resolutions both large and small.

If your list includes a resolution to play better golf in 2012, our very own Tomillo "Tommy Awesome" Villegas believes that improving your fitness is the key to improving your game.

"If it wasn't for my commitment to fitness, do you think I'd be able to get into my 'Spiderman' stance to line up my putts?", offered Tomillo to The Hosel Rocket. "How do you think I became the Best Putter in The Club (BPITC), by just falling out of bed? It takes a lot of work, the kind of work that most people don't see."

When pressed for the secrets of his fitness regimen, Tomillo was somewhat evasive, no doubt wanting to avoid revealing anything about his fitness program that might lessen his competitive advantage on the golf course. He did, however, offer some insight.

"The first step in any fitness program is proper hydration. My sports drink of choice is Bud Light Lime, which I enjoy for breakfast over my cornflakes, as well as after a round of golf. I find it refreshing, and full of the complex carbs I need to complete my grueling workouts."

When pressed for details on his workout routine, Tomillo said he's learned over the years that exercise needn't be drudgery to be effective. "You won't find me running on a treadmill like some hamster on a wheel, or lifting weights like Chris Allen and those other poseurs at the fitness center. When I really need to feel the burn, I'd rather feel it doing something that I really enjoy."

It was only after our reporter noticed the Tug Toner logo on his golf bag that the secret to Tomillo's fitness regimen was finally revealed. Please see the following video for a demonstration of this amazing device, and how you, too, can feel just as awesome as Tommy Awesome in 2012.

It's a Jungle Out There!

In other local news, The Hosel Rocket has learned that our very own Lance Addison has made a career move. Setting aside dreams of making millions in the oil & gas industry, Lance will soon be starring in a remake of the popular 1970's television series, Wild Kingdom, which chronicled the adventures of Marlin Perkins as he traveled to some of the most terrifying wild animal habitats on the planet.

In a slight departure from the original, "Wild Kingdom 2: Call of The Cougar" will chronicle Lance's weekly adventures in search of that least elusive of all feline species, the Texas Cougar (felis metroplexis). Tune in and follow him as he moves stealthily from one watering hole to another, documenting the nocturnal mating rituals of these ferocious cats in their native habitats.

From the quiet shores of Turtle Creek, to the jungles of Uptown, and across the plains of Plano, follow our hero as he stalks one cougar after another, armed with nothing more than smart phone, a tin of Altoids, a bottomless wine glass, and an endless series of creative cover stories (i.e., "Hi. I'm Lance. I'm a Formula-1 driver. Ever been to Monaco?") that will have these voracious cats purring like kittens.

Despite failing an audition to play the role of Marlin's trusty sidekick, Jim, Tim Unverzagt (who refused to stay in the jeep) gives the show two thumbs-up.  Look for "Wild Kingdom 2: Call of The Cougar" on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights this spring on ABC.

The 18 Most Annoying Golf Partners: Golfdigest.com

Click the following link from Golf Digest.com, and see how many of these guys you can recognize:

The 18 Most Annoying Golf Partners: Golfdigest.com

Any resemblance of the characters depicted therein to Tom "Human Rain Delay" Francis, Rodney "Cigar Guy" Isom, or Bob "Ball Retriever Guy" Dray is purely intentional.

Easy Come, E-Z-Go

Like Haley’s Comet or Tom Francis sinking a three-footer, there are just some things that you don’t see every day.  While it’s been four years since the legend of E-Z-Go was born, to those who witnessed it still seems like just yesterday.

It was a crisp Saturday in September, with the range packed full of golfers earnestly pounding balls in fervent preparation for their morning round. The tees were stationed on the middle tier of the practice range, affording easy access between the cart parking area and the adjacent range.

Brimming with bullshit and bravado, Scott Wenning sauntered onto the practice tee, brandishing a new TaylorMade Burner driver for all to see. Removing the head cover with a flourish, the black titanium head gleamed like polished granite in the bright morning sunshine. A hush fell over the range as Wenning took a few hearty practice swings, and put his first ball onto a tee.

Standing nearby, Bob Dray stuffed head covers in both ears, fearful that the thunderous metallic boom soon to be emitted by this terrifying weapon would shatter his ancient eardrums. Wenning addressed his ball, picked a target, gave the club a waggle, and sent a drive hurtling toward the top of the fence at the end of the range (OK.  Maybe it was the blue 225 flag).

As one frozen rope after another screamed off Wenning’s new Burner, every golfer assembled was rendered speechless at this awesome display of power and accuracy (OK, maybe not much power. Or accuracy.). His practice concluded, Wenning pronounced his clinic over, signed a few quick autographs, and slung his golf bag over his shoulder as he walked up the incline to his cart. With a wave of the hand and a boisterous “OK, WHO’S PLAYING FOR SECOND TODAY?” he turned and tossed the golf bag into the passenger seat of the cart, which is when all hell proceeded to break loose.

The cart suddenly lurched forward, careening down the slope toward the practicing golfers. Apparently, when Wenning threw his golf bag into the cart, the kick-stand deployed against the accelerator, with the head of his new driver jammed against the seat, putting the cart in motion. Making a furtive and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to jump into the now runaway cart before it sped away, Wenning had only time to scream “LOOK OUT!!” as Charles Hardy and Les Lewis nimbly jumped aside, barely avoiding becoming over-sized bugs on the cart windshield. 

Meanwhile, in his haste to arrest his now rider-less electric horse, Wenning kicked one of the large terra cotta flower pots, nearly breaking a toe in the process. Limping down the slope after the cart, he then proceeded to perform an impromptu bit of slapstick comedy worthy of Laurel & Hardy, skating furiously atop several dozen golf balls that he suddenly found under foot, which were disgorged from a practice ball bag that had been run over by the cart. Some claim to have pissed their pants at the site, but not all such claims could later be substantiated.

Helpless, Wenning could only watch transfixed in horror as the runaway cart sped down left side of the range, heading straight for the white 165-yard flag like a four-wheeled torpedo bearing down on an unsuspecting ship. As if it were on rails, the cart drove directly over the flag stick, mowing it down in the process. After disappearing momentarily under the cart, the flag then snapped violently back upright, doing so with such force that it sent both the flag stick and an explosion of dirt an estimated 20 feet into the air. Gales of laughter filled the air, with several golfers falling to their knees in convulsions.

With the white flag now demolished, the cart continued its terrifying transit down the left side of the range, where it first appeared that it would go left of the fence, down the adjacent hill, into the concrete culvert, through the Bank of America drive-in teller line, across O’Connor Boulevard, and into the lobby of the Le Peep restaurant, where 27 unsuspecting Irving residents were enjoying their breakfast on an otherwise quiet Saturday morning. Fortunately for the cart (as well as the member that would have been expected to pay for its replacement), it caught the slope on the left side of the range, and turned hard right toward the left panel of the driving range netting.

At a speed clocked at more than 70 MPH (OK, maybe it was only 20), the cart rammed directly into the net, the kickstand on the bag remaining inexplicably jammed to the accelerator. As a dozen more golfers pissed their pants and collapsed in disbelief, the cart’s engine began to scream, tires spinning wildly in the dirt while coulds of smoke billowed from the engine.

Having composed himself after his near-death experience, Les quickly jumped into a nearby cart, pulling Wenning in beside him. The two of them sped off down the range to rescue the runaway buggy, which by now had become further impaled in the netting like a wayward dolphin caught in a tuna net.  Following Les’s orders, Wenning leaned out of the cart and yelled “CEASE FIRE!” to all those present on the range, so as to prevent the dashing duo from becoming the unintended targets of a Titleist NXT hailstorm.

Upon reaching the cart, Lester jumped out and pulled the driver cover away from the seat, whereupon the wheels stopped spinning and the smoke soon cleared. As their eyes met, the two friends shook hands and congratulated each other on their bravery and a job well-done. Hopping into their carts, they proceeded to drive back toward the practice range, soaking in the cheers of their fellow golfers and the site of hundreds of golf caps (OK, maybe three) being thrown into the air in unbridled jubilation. Yes, it was clear to all assembled that something truly special had occurred this day at LCCC, something that would forever live in the rich history and folklore of our club.

After all the excitement had died down and the golfers had changed into dry trousers, they repaired to the first tee for the start of their rounds. It was but 20 minutes later as Wenning prepared for his turn on the tee, Charles snickered “OK, E-Z-Go. You’re on the box.”  More laughter and pants-pissing ensued, some of which continues to this very day.... 

In the immortal words of the late Paul Harvey, now you know the rest of the story. For more golf cart hijinks and adventures, please see the following video provided courtesy of Tom Wagner.

Winter's Coming. Get a Grip!

As the calendar turns to December, play shall now become governed by Winter Rules, which will be effective this Saturday and will remain in effect until further notice.

For neophytes and new members alike, said rules afford each combatant one grip length of relief through the green, no closer to the hole.

Those with concerns or complaints are kindly encouraged to stick them up their ass. Thank you.

Chimps Ahoy



As all of LCCC anxiously awaits the opening of our new bar and dining areas, activities both large and small have been occurring over the last several weeks in preparation for the "soft" opening that is scheduled for Thanksgiving weekend.

As fixtures are mounted, floors polished, construction debris removed, and all accouterments made ready for our membership, a subtle yet important event took place over the weekend, where a select group of ClubCorp and KSL executives christened our new bar.

As certain of the topics discussed were of a confidential nature, the gathering was strictly off-limits to our membership.  However, aided by a tiny video camera embedded in Ron Woolard's lapel, you can now see first-hand the highlights of these captains of industry throwing a few back in our brand-new bar.  Enjoy.

It's Mi-Tee Cup Week!

Much like many good things that only come once each year, Mi-Tee Cup week has finally arrived.  The player draft party willl commence this Friday night at 6:30 PM, where the rosters for Team USA (aka, Blue Hats) and Team Texas (Red Hats) will be formed in preparation for the commencement of competition on Saturday morning.

The format for competition will again be in three matches: a 9-hole, two-man Best Ball match on Saturday morning; 9-hole Alternate Shot format in the afternoon; 18-hole Singles matches on Sunday.  With a total of 48 points at stake, the team amassing 24 1/2 or more points will be declared 2011 Mi-Tee Cup Champions, with Team Texas needing only 24 points to keep the cup as defending Mi-Tee Cup champions.

All combatants are asked to bring $75.00 in cash to the player draft party on Friday night, which will start at 6:30 PM. in the 19th Hole (weather permitting, we may move the festivities out to the deck).  Finally, there are several spots still available in the field for this year's Mi-Tee Cup, so those interested should call Eric Hunt in the Golf Shop ASAP to reserve your spot.

Finally, and back by popular demand, here's a summary of the 2010 Mi-Tee Cup.

Big Red Machine!

Blue Hats wearing Red Hats, Red Hats wearing Blue Hats, cats and dogs living together, and more tee box signage than one typically sees at a NASCAR race, the 2010 Mi-Tee Cup Challenge had it all. When the last putt had dropped on Sunday afternoon, Team Texas (aka, The Big Red Machine) had prevailed for the third consecutive year, defeating Team USA (Blue Hats) by the narrowest of margins, 24 ½ to 23 ½.

The drama began on Friday evening at the tournament Draft Party, as Captains Dave Schmertz (Team USA) and Bill Douglass (Team Texas) hunkered down at the draft tables, poring over reams of player data and scouting reports with their able-bodied assistants, Jerry Haas and Scott Wenning. After winning the coin toss to earn the first pick of the 46 players in the field, Captain Schmertz passed his selection to the master of ceremonies, Chris Allen, whom promptly announced that the first pick in the draft was none other than…..Dave McCallum.

A hush fell over the room. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked. Ted Borek farted so violently, his seat cushion burst into flame. In one fell swoop, Schmertz had thrown down the gauntlet, with his selection of Red Hat veteran McCallum announcing his intentions to plunder the ranks of Red Hats in an attempt to inject some badly needed mojo into the heart of the Blue Hat roster. As pandemonium broke out in the dining room, McCallum walked hesitantly to the front of the room to accept his blue team visor, hands trembling in shock, eyes blinking as rapidly as traffic signals. It was then that Captain Douglass turned to his assistant and uttered a few simple words that would be the hallmark of the 2010 Team Texas roster: “The sh*t’s on now.”

With that, the draft unfolded in blinding speed, the two captains trading picks in rapid-fire fashion, while our erstwhile Emcee broke every rule of political correctness with each player introduction. Douglass retaliated by plucking Blue Hat stalwart Borek from the draft pool; Schmertz fired back, selecting the redoubtable Red Hat legend, Tom Francis, and fitted him with a blue lid. On and on it went into the evening, and when the smoke had cleared and Harry Starweather was selected with the last pick of the draft (thereby earning the title of "Mr. Irrelevant 2010”), the 2010 Mi-Tee Cup was on.


 Day 1 saw the Blue Hats and their revamped roster run out to an early lead, besting the defending champions by a score of 6 /12 to 5 ½ in the morning 2-Man Best Ball matches, before the Red Hats rebounded nicely by taking the afternoon’s Alternate Shot matches by an identical score.  With the match tied at 12-12 after Day 1, the captains, players, club staff, and members of the media all gathered in the 19th Hole as the selections for Sunday's 24 Singles matches were announced.  Knowing what was at stake, Coach Douglass implemented a 9:00 PM curfew for his side, and combatants for both sides went home for what was to be a restless night of sleep in anticipation of the Sunday finale.

Sunday dawned warm and blustery, with high winds testing the shot-making of every player. As the Singles matches made the turn after nine holes, most were too close to call, as the tension built with each shot. Led by sterling performances from Jim Welch (71), Todd Wilson (73), the Red Hats crept ever closer to the 24 points they would need to retain the cup, as Captains Schmertz and Douglas dashed about the course in their carts, exhorting their remaining players to muster a final charge on behalf of their respective teams. However, when Jim Self sunk a 5-foot slider on #18 to earn a hard-fought half point from Jim Quirk, and John Cutler closed out Harry Starkweather 2&1, Team Texas had retained the Mi-Tee Cup.

"IF FOUND, PLEASE
RETURN TO THE LODGE"

Pandemonium broke out at the scoreboard, with high-fives, cigars, and congratulations exchanged among Captain Douglas and the members of the winning squad.  Chris Allen was so swept up in the emotion of the event, he joined the Red Hat team picture, taking his customary stance on tip-toes in the back row. Ted Borek stole Allen's coveted Northwest Highway hunting trophy from atop his locker and struck a pose with Gil Hollander, while a pensive Les Lewis was lost in thought imagining that trophy hanging over his fireplace.

WIN WONSOON!

When the celebration had finally abated, the tournament committee presented tokens of appreciation to Hernando, Mike, and Tee for their decades of faithful service to LCCC.  The tournament committee was extremely grateful for the generosity of Tee's friend, Sam, who provided the $50 daily proxies for closest-to-the-pin on each of the par 3's, and to Robert Singletary for donating his two proxies won to Tee himself.

Congratulations to the winning team of Bob Armstong, Todd Wilson, Matt Miller, Gil Hollander, Jim Welch, Ted Borek, John Ehlert, Bob Dray, Doug Harvey, Les Lewis, Mike George, Randy Levy, Charles Hardy, Jim Self, Bill Dearing, Diron French, Dan Costello, Mike Jackson, Tim Unverzagt, Terry Freeman, Rick Smith, John Cutler, Scott Wenning, and Eric Hunt, and to Bill Douglass for his exceptional on-course leadership and libations.

The Mi-Tee Cup has become one of the most fun and popular events at LCCC, and we look forward to doing it all again next year on behalf of those in the 19th Hole that help make our membership experience such an exceptional one at Las Colinas.

Postscript: Scotland 2011

From the moment the group arrived in Scotland on July 8th, we maintained a dizzying pace trekking to and fro across this beautiful country, thus the absence of regular news dispatches from St. Andrews. Our faithful bus driver, Andy, got us where we needed to be in comfort and style each day, even though we still couldn't understand a single word that came out of his mouth over the motorcoach intercom system.

Give Me Haggis, Or Give Me Death

Welcome Dinner - Dunvegan Hotel

As no golf trip could be complete without a little friendly competition, a team play event was created for the trip, which was dubbed The Haggis Cup in honor of that most indigenous of all Scottish dishes.

At Friday's cocktail reception and dinner at The Dunvegan Hotel, Matt Miller and Danny Lowry were named captains of the two teams, which were dubbed Team Old Tom Morris and Team Young Tom Morris, after the Scots father-son golf legends of the same names. As the draft unfolded, the teams were set as follows:

Old Toms            Young Toms
Chris Allen             Bob Birt
Brian Birt               Blewett Gardner
Frank Carter          Gil Hollander
Troy Good             Jeff Holshevnikoff
Mike Jackson         Tom Keffer
Danny Lowry          Matt Miller
Jim Milligan             Tim Unverzagt
Ty Underwood        Scott Wenning

It was agreed that the competition would be in five matches played over a three-day period, employing the Modified Stableford Scoring System (net off current handicaps) as the method of accumulating points, with the entire 50 pounds/player buy-in going to the winning team that amassed the most points at the conclusion of the five matches.

Day 1 - Carnoustie

Saturday dawned clear and bright in St. Andrews. Eight of the lads (Chris, Ty, Bob, Brian, Jeff, Blewett, Troy, and Danny) were successful getting on the Daily Ballot for The Old Course, allowing them to squeeze in a morning round on this most historic of all golf courses in the world. Their round completed, the group rejoined the balance of the party for our bus ride to Carnoustie, where four tee times awaited us on The Championship Course.

"Uh, oh."

As our first tee time approached at 2:10 PM, so did an ominous band of black storm clouds on the horizon. By the time Jeff put his tee in the ground to strike the first shot of the tournament, the skies began to open up, as did the umbrellas. As we made our way out on the front nine, caddies dutifully in tow, it quickly became clear to all combatants why the locals refer to the course as "Car-nasty," as the course quickly began to show its teeth.

Carnoustie - In The Spectacles Bunker

While the rain eventually relented, the course did not, and by the time we'd all cleared the Barry Burn on #18 (home of the infamous Jean van de Veld collapse in the 1999 Open Championship), there were many crooked numbers to be found on the scorecards. When the smoke had finally cleared (Tim was still catching up after the Heathrow incident), the Old Toms held an eight-point lead over the Young Toms. After several rounds of drinks were enjoyed in the bar, we all piled back on the bus where Andy delivered us safely back to St. Andrews for dinner and a short night of sleep before Day 2 of the competition.


Day 2 - Kingsbarns / St. Andrews Duke's Course
The bus pulled up on the corner at 7:00 AM on a clear Sunday morning for what would be the longest day of the trip, a morning round at Kingsbarns followed by an afternoon round at The Duke's Course at St. Andrews.


Kingbarns - #18 Green

An regional venue for Open Championship qualifiers, the boys quickly discovered why Kingsbarns is rated as one of the Top 100 courses in the world. The first group teed off at 8:00 AM, with caddies helping them navigate the course that many have called the "Pebble Beach of Scotland."

As the groups began to make their way back to the clubhouse some four hours later, the scores were tallied over drams of scotch and cold pints of Tennant's. When the captains had finally ceased their pencil whipping and all points had been properly accounted for, The Old Toms had padded their lead by four points, and were now leading The Haggis Cup by 12 heading into Round 3.

Kingbarns #7

Andy then announced it was time to leave for St. Andrews and herded us to the bus. He began mumbling something that at first sounded like a stock tip but was quickly translated by Blew as a confirmation that we'd be at The Duke's Course in 20 minutes. Built by Herb Kohler, The Dukes was the only course we'd play that would allow carts, which would prove a welcome respite for the many barking dogs on the bus. Carts and coolers loaded, we headed out to do battle.

At approximately 9:15 PM, some 13 hours after the first peg was put in the ground that morning at Kingsbarns, the foursome of Holshevnikoff, Wenning, Underwood, and Birt holed the final putt of the day in the gathering gloam, bringing Day 2 of the competition to an end. Despite some individually horrific performances (led by your editor), the Young Toms actually managed to gain five Stableford points on the afternoon matches, drawing within seven points of the leading Old Toms.

"I NEED MY OINTMENT..AND  I NEED IT NOW!"

Foot sore, weary, and hungry, Andy gathered us up and delivered us to the corner of Murray Place and North Street, where Chris was last seen ambling down the street to his guest house with the easy gait of a man carrying a safe on his back.

After a hearty dinner of ibuprofen, Icy Hot ointment, 12 year-old Scotch, and a Cuban cigar, Chris assured everyone that he would be raring to go the next day for rounds 4 and 5.

Day 3 - St. Andrews Jubilee Course/Crail
Monday dawned as a beautiful day....for ducks. With our first tee times set for 7:04 AM, Andy pulled up promptly at 6:30 AM for the short ride down the hill in the pouring rain to The Jubilee Course (est. 1897).

As the first foursome teed off on #1, the rain began coming down in sheets, with our merry band bearing more of a resemblance to actors in a fish sticks commercial rather than golfers. As the wind blew and the rain pelted down, the only thing missing from the scene was Carl Spackler looping for Bishop Pickering.

Umbrellas, rain hats, rain gloves, rain suits, snorkels, swim fins - we had it all. As I held my umbrella in front of me at a 45 degree angle to repel the wind and rain, it was clear that the elements were not going to keep anyone off the course, as the adjacent fairways were jammed with like-minded lunatics. Upon putting out on #1, a sudden gust of wind caused Chris's umbrella to blow out a spoke, causing the affected panel to start flapping against his chin. Cursing the manufacturer and the worsening weather, he bravely soldiered on.

"Rooster Tail" Hollander Putts Out

Each foursome pressed on through the storm, flogging and sloshing across the ground where golfers have flogged and sloshed for more than 200 years. A backward glance revealed a sea of umbrellas bobbing up and down like corks as they made their way up the fairways. As the rain intensified and water began to gather in lows spots on the greens, as we kept reminding ourselves that it was probably 112 degrees in Dallas, and that we were having fun. Which, in fact, we were.

As we persevered through the elements, Troy blocked his drive on #8 dead right of the fairway. As he trudged down the edge of the rough to begin what would likely be a futile search for his tee shot and a shot dropped due to a lost ball, a solitary figure mysteriously appeared out of the rain and mist some 200 yards ahead. Waving to our group, he proceeded to throw a ball back toward our fairway before disappearing back into the gorse as suddenly as he had appeared. Speechless, we looked at Chris's caddie, Davie, for a ruling, who growled "Aye, it's rub o' the green, laddie. Play 'er her as she lies!" Upon finding that the ball in question was his, Troy cackled with delight, while I trudged off into the gorse in an unsuccessful event to locate my own ball.

The Auld Grey Toon

Finally turning toward the clubhouse, the skies began to clear, and the sun actually came out for a brief period of time, allowing us to put away the umbrellas and take off our foul weather gear. As each group putted out on #18, Andy was there to ferry us back up the hill to our lodgings, where a hearty lunch, hot showers, and dry clothes awaited us.

As the captains tallied up the cards for their respective sides, it was found that the Young Toms had mounted a heroic charge through the elements that morning, and had taken the lead for the first time in the tournament, leading by five points. As we re-boarded the bus for the drive to Crail, Captains Lowry and Miller retreated to their respective war rooms to arrange their afternoon pairings for the final match that would decide The Haggis Cup.

Crail Balcomie - #14

The Balcomie Links at Crail (designed in 1895 by Old Tom Morris and Bob Dray) would prove to be one of the most challenging courses we would play, less a function of the course design than the manner in which the holes meandered and intersected with adjacent holes throughout the course.

"Caddies? You need a f*cking Indian guide and a compass to get around this place!" wailed Danny on #5, after he drilled an approach shot dead on the flag - to the #6 green. As the caddies led their charges around the course like seeing eye dogs, the teams battled on, captains and their teams exchanging point totals and cigars as they passed on adjacent fairways. Locating the next tee seemed harder than Chinese arithmetic.

"Glass? Who needs a glass?"

It soon became clear that the tide had turned once more. As the final group strode into the clubhouse at 9:15 PM under darkening Scottish skies, the tandem of Ty Underwood and Brian Birt had led the way in what turned out to be a wide margin of victory for The Old Toms in the 2011 Haggis Cup. The beer and scotch flowed freely, as did the anecdotes of that afternoon's round. Congratulations were extended to all, and the 800 pound purse was divvied up among the members of winning team.

Ever the sportsmen, Gil and Frank raised their bottles of scotch in offering up a toast on a match well played, while Gil pronounced the trip "freakin' oo-ah-some." As the good cheer, whiskey, and bonhomie continued to spread around the table, it was a clear that a good time had been had by all.


"Shut the f*ck up, Danny.".

 As the clubs were returned safely to the belly of the bus, the hat was passed for Andy. We thanked him for his good driving and good humor throughout the trip, and suggested that he might be well served to put the collection towards a Berlitz course in English.

We flopped in our seats as the bus sped toward St. Andrews, the two captains finally able to relax after the excruciating pressure of the previous three days. As each member of the group reveled in sharing their personal highlights of what had been the trip of a lifetime, plans were already in motion for a return trip to the birthplace of golf.

Postscript

Legends in Their Own Minds

With the Haggis Cup decided, we descended on The Dunvegan for a final night of food, drink, and camaraderie, as the group prepared to split up into two parties for Tuesday. Those that played The Old Course on Saturday opted for a replay at Kingsbarns, while the other eight were set to play their final round on The Old Course.

Tuesday turned out to be a beautiful and perfectly fitting day for the last round of the trip, as Messrs. Jackson, Carter, Milligan, and Wenning teed off precisely at 12:20 PM, followed by Hollander, Unverzagt, Miller, and Underwood, LLP. It was a great day for golf, with a slight breeze blowing in off the Eden Estuary, and while the quality of the golf was uniformly inconsistent, the experience was not. As those who have played The Old Course will attest, there is nothing else quite like it in the world.

"....Danny...wake me up when we get to DFW...zzzzz"

With Andy set to make two separate departures the following morning, the last evening was devoted to confirming flights, packing for the trip home, and enjoying a few final pints at what had become our favorite establishments in St. Andrews. After a year of planning, all remarked how long it took for the trip to arrive, and how quickly the time passed once we were together. Truly, time does fly when you're having fun....

"I'LL BE BACK...AS LONG AS I GET AN UPGRADE
TO FIRST CLASS NEXT TIME!"

For those who weren't able to join us, be assured that your names came up often. Environs that have echoed with the names of such golf luminaries as Hogan, Palmer, Nicklaus, Ballesteros, and Watson were repeatedly graced (soiled?!) with the names of Wilson, Francis, Lewis, Hardy, Douglass, et al. In summary, you were all there one way or another, whether in person or in spirit.

As nowhere is it written that a man is entitled to only one trip of a lifetime, it was agreed by all that a sequel to St. Andrews 2011 is very much in order. Whether in the form of a return trip to Scotland or a journey to nearby Ireland, the group is determined to make a repeat pilgrimage in the not too distant future, whether in 2012 or 2013.

As we say at LCCC, "there's always room for one more."  We hope you'll be there with us.

Day 1: Arrival

After safely navigating the Atlantic crossing on Thursday evening, all 16 members of our merry band - and, miraculously, 16 sets of golf clubs - arrived safely in Edinburgh on Friday.  While the flights were on relatively on-time and all baggage arrived with each respective passenger, there were a couple of minor snafus.

An Executive Platinum-level international traveler, Gil was disappointed to find that the American Airlines gate agent didn't greet him by name at DFW, nor did he provide him a courtesy upgrade to First Class. Forced to travel in the relative squalor of Business Class (where he was accompanied by Jeff, Mike, Tim, and your humble editor), Gil tried to drown his sorrows in a glass of pre-departure champagne, which he promptly spat out on the bulkhead.

"What the f*ck is this swill!, Asti Spumonte!?", wailed Gil. "I wouldn't wash my ass with this stuff, let alone drink it. In First Class, they serve the real stuff."  He then drank two Heinekens, popped an Ambien, pulled on his sleeping mask, and snoozed like a baby all the way to London, sucking his thumb in blissful contentment.

Meanwhile, in Seat 11B, Tim was confronting his own demons, the first in the form of a Portuguese five-year old in the adjacent aisle seat whose behavior suggested he might be possessed by demons (which his mother attempted to quell with what appeared to be the world's largest pacifier), and the second a raging nicotine fit that would reach almost unbearable proportions upon arrival at London Heathrow Airport.

After eight hours on the plane without a cigarette, Tim found that Heathrow is a smoke-free airport, meaning he would need to wait until we arrived in Edinburgh some four hours later to light up. Pacing feverishly up and down the terminal while cursing the British, Jeff managed to keep Tim from suffering a nervous breakdown by pulling out his iPad and firing up a cigarette lighter app, where the flame magically appeared from an ersatz Zippo with the brush of a finger. Tim proceeded to curl up in a fetal position in a remote corner of the terminal with the iPad, flipping the flame on and off maniacally while we waited to board the flight to Edinburgh.  Safely on the ground in Scotland, Tim made a mad dash to the curb, lighting four cigarettes in rapid succession until his equilibrium had been reestablished.

We were then greeted by our driver, Andy, who spoke in a near unitellligible, rapid-fire Scottish brogue that was evocative of a man speaking with marbles in his mouth.  Once in St. Andrews, we disembarked from the bus, checked into our lodgings, and proceeded to the nearby Dunvegan Hotel for a welcome dinner. After a few cocktails and a hearty meal, we emptied out into the streets of St. Andrews at 9:45 PM, where some repaired to the pubs while others called it a night after a long night and day of traveling.

All in all, a great start to the trip.

A Gathering Storm

It was nearly one year ago that a plan was born in the 19th Hole of LCCC. Resonating with all the force of a loud fart off a wooden church pew, it was a plan of such audacity that it succeeded in bringing a sudden hush over the large faction of our membership assembled in the 19th Hole, watching the final moments of the 150th Open Championship from St. Andrews.

"It's not the Carpenter Cup, but it'll do"

As Louis Oosthuizen's final putt dropped on 18, capping an unexpected runaway victory that earned him the coveted Claret Jug, a lone voice with a distinct Tony Soprano accent was heard to say: "Hey, we ought to go there some time."

Stunned, all heads turned in unison toward Gil Hollander, who was spooning a Twosome Salad into his jaws with all the precision of a man tossing mulch into a wheelbarrow in high winds. Pausing momentarily to wipe a bit of chicken salad from the ceiling fan above his head, Gil said "I'm serious. We should go. It'd be freakin' oo-ah-some."

Editor and Son - Swilcan Bridge, 2006

Faster than you could pronounce "Oosthuizen" (Note - as this story went to press, Mike Withrow is still trying), an acclamation spread like wildfire through the 19th Hole, with man after man pronouncing himself ready, willing, and able (pending permission from his wife) to make the trip to the birthplace of golf.  Having made the journey for the first time in 2006, your humble editor offered to take on the job of coordinating the trip, with the initial cattle call going out that night to all LCCC members interested in getting on the list.

Dates were soon identified, tour operators vetted, and pro forma financials subsequently confirmed. When a U.K.-based tour operator was selected in late August and initial deposits requested the following month, a total of 20 hardy souls had signed on to make the trip to Scotland, dates set for July -13, 2011.  The group subsequently and unfortunately shrunk by four due to unanticipated conflicts by:

• Rick Smith (wedding)
• Wes Hameline ("He doesn't look good in a kilt. I had to put my foot down." - Elizabeth Hameline)
• Todd Wilson (new job with Constellation Energy; overseeing construction of world's first Vespa-powered nuclear plant in Waxahatchie).
• Mike "Button" Bowers, whose abstract: "Personal Injury Lawyers: Objects Aren't The Only Things That Are Closer Than They Appear" was selected as the keynote address to for the 2011 American Ambulance Driver's convention in Bossier City, LA.

And so it was after nearly a full year of planning, the august group of Chris Allen, Frank Carter, Blewett Gardner, Troy Good, Gil Hollander, Jeff Holshevnikoff, Mike Jackson, Tom Keffer, Danny Lowry, Matt Miller, Jim Milligan, Ty Underwood, Tim Unverzagt, and Scott Wenning will depart this Thursday for The Old Sod (not to be confused with Bob Dray's yard), accompanied by the father and son tandem of Bob and Brian Birt.

"Where's Chris A-a-a-a-a-llen?"

The group will arrive in Edinburgh, Scotland on Friday, where we'll be whisked to our accommodations off the 18th fairway of The Old Course in St. Andrews. From this base of operations, we'll mount our assault on some of the most historic courses in Scotland (including Carnoustie, Kingsbarns, Crail, and The Old Course), while also terrorizing pub owners, restaurateurs and sheep (Chris Allen) by night.

Tune into THR each day for the highlight's of that day's events (which may include some golf), delivered via the miracle of the worldwide web direct to your PC!

Separated at Birth

In this week's mail bag, Tim Unverzagt shares his belief that somewhere in this world, we all have a "twin" with whom we are not related, yet share a striking resemblance.

In this case, the subject is Tom Francis, whom the editor of The Hosel Rocket recently compared to the late Roy Orbison, both for his preference for wearing oversized sunglasses and the fact that he, too, can sometimes be found on the wrong side of the sod.

"I disagree, dontcha know. Tom looks more like that blind country singer, Ronnie Milsap. Plus, his putting matches Ronnie's, too!"

 

Up The Creek: TGA League Play Match #6

It was another long day for the boys from LCCC in last Thursday's TGA League Play at Royal Oaks CC, where the visitors were vanquished by a final score of 24-12.

The team did not go down without a fight, as evidenced by the efforts of Jeff "The Mad Russian" Holshevnikoff, shown here blasting out of the creek on #18 in a successful effort to halve his match against the #1 player from ROCC. Thanks also to Mike Shearburn, John Ehlert, Jerry Haas, Mike Bowers, Byron Barlow, Dan Costello, and Bill Dearing for making the trip over to Royal Oaks and for representing Las Colinas.

With a record of 1-5, LCCC finds itself locked in a fierce battle with Mira Vista for last place in DFW Conference "C". The team next plays this Thursday at home vs. first place DAC (2:00 PM), so please click here if you're interested in getting in on the fun.

Technology...As a Weapon?

FU KIU, CHINA (UPI) - In the latest in a series of crackdowns by Chinese officials to restrict public access to internet content, a Texas businessman was the unwitting victim of government sting in this sleepy fishing village on the coast of Dimsung Province.

Dave Schmertz, a Dallas area resident, was arrested by Communist Party officials in his hotel suite at the Fu Kiu Charlez, when the hotel's internet security software detected what it believed to be an illicit arms transaction in progress.

"I told these idiots that 'The Hosel Rocket' was a website, not a weapon," said an infuriated Schmertz, cursing alternately and loudly in English, Mandarin, and Cantonese. "I was catching up on email when I decided to check THR to see how the boys did in last week's TGA match at Mira Vista. The next thing I know, a group of soldiers is kicking down my door and dragging me out in handcuffs. &$@#*!!!  史智修!!!!!"

"Silly, silly American. Trying to tell us this new American weapon really a golf club? What next? Tiger Woods really a tiger? Bear not shit in woods? A few months of doing the people's work at PF Chang's make soften him up, then you see truth come in," stated General Sum Ting Wong, a local government official. "In the mean time, we will make ready our air defenses against this new Hosel Rocket." 

After being roughed up, given a wedgie, and having both his PC and ClubCorp ONE card taken away for explosives residue testing, Schmertz was made to kneel down in the street until the PF Chang's courtesy vehicle arrived. In a stunning turn of events, he found himself face-to-face with his fellow LCCC member, Tim Unverzagt, who had also been arrested at the Fu Kiu Charlez, after having been found in his hotel suite with 10 young women who turned out to be contestants in the local Miss Fu Kiu pagaent. Astonishingly, each was found to be wearing glowing dental implants.

"Hey, hey, hey! You better not touch my girls or my stuff or you're gonna' get it, dontcha know?! It's market research! You betcha! Market research!!", Unverzagt was heard screaming at Communist Party officials, as they inspected the glowing grills of his giggling, jiggling companions before hauling him away for interrogation.

In a related story, actor Richard Gere announced that he's stepped down from his role in the "Free Tibet" movement in support of the Dalai Lama, and will be directing his efforts toward a new cause, which he is calling "Give 'Til It Hurts - Free Dave Schmertz!".

"Unverzagt? Well, as far as I'm concerned, that guy got what was coming to him, and he needs more women in his life about as much as Tom Francis needs another putter. But Schmertz? The dude simply was in the wrong place at the wrong time, kind of like when I decided to divorce Cindy Crawford. I can't get that one back, but at least I can do my part to get this guy extradited back to the U.S."

Oh, The Humanity!

"IRVING...WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

The boys from LCCC journeyed west yesterday to the outskirts of Fort Worth, where the team did battle with hosts Mira Vista CC in the 4th TGA League Play match of the 2011 season.

Dispelling the myth that a long car trip can offset a shortage of talent, and in a conflagration that made the Hindenburg disaster look like a popcorn fart, the visitors took it on the nose by a final score of 22 1/2 to 13 1/2, dropping the team's record to 1-3-0 on the season.

Leading the way for LCCC was the team of Dave McCallum and Mel Robinson, who snatched 7.5 out of 9 points in the #5-6 positions, with the teams of Mike Shearburn/Jerry Haas and Dan Costello/Adam Whitehead bringing home the balance of the bacon. Finally, kudos to the team of Scott Wenning/Mike Bowers for safely making it through the Scratch flight competition without a scratch (or a single point).

Next up for the Bad News Bears is Royal Oaks CC, where the team will travel next Thursday, April 14. A pep rally will be held for the team in the La Vista Room at 2:00 AM on the morning of the match, with complementary cocktails and LCCC divot tools provided to all ONE members in attendance.  Come cheer on the team!

And Now You Know

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an old golfer who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Sir, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Kind sir, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply....

"I outlived all the sons of bitches."

It's a Miracle!

"OMG! These bunkers
look like hell!"

Inspired by a pre-match pep talk from Pope Benedict XVI (in town to conduct a pre-Easter exorcism on our bunkers), the host team from LCCC earned its first victory of the 2011 TGA League Play season, squeaking by the heavily favored visitors from Gleneagles CC by a final score of 21-15.

Kudos to Steve Holtgrieve, Matt Miller, Nelson Henry, Byron Barlow, Mel Robinson, Danny Lowry, Wes Hameline and Rick Smith for answering the call to arms and dispatching the poseurs from Plano, and for helping get LCCC off the TGA schneid.

With a record of 1-2-0 and a one-match winning streak on the line, the squad will travel to Fort Worth on April 7 to face Mira Vista on their home turf, a real treat for those who have played the course.

The Little Engine That Couldn't

It was a beautiful afternoon for golf last Thursday, when the plucky squad from LCCC ventured east to Dallas Athletic Club for the second match of the 2011 TGA League Play season.

In an effort to build team unity and camaraderie, Coach Wenning reserved a private train to carry the team to and from the match at DAC, but the custom conveyance did little to compensate for the lack of firepower in the LCCC line-up, with the visitors going down by a score of 25 1/2 to 10 1/2. Here's a picture of the train as it attempted to pull out of the DART station at Garland Road:

The Black Sheep Squadron (aka, Mike Bowers & Mike Shearburn) were again thrust into the Scratch Flight, but their bravery and panache proved to be no match for their plus-handicap opponents. Kudos also to Dave Schmertz, Jerry Hass, Mel Robinson, Byron Barlow, George Derr, and Larry Gekiere, who all fought valiently but were able to scratch out by a handful of points from their DAC opponents.

After one week break in the action, LCCC will look to get on the board when we host Gleneagles for Match #3 of the 2011 TGA League Play series on Thursday, March 24.

Hail to The Chief, Y'all!

While it is generally believed that clothes do make the man, it takes more than a wardrobe that would make Liberace envious for one man to lead an organization as diverse and often demanding as Las Colinas CC, especially when he finds himself in the unforgiving spotlight of addressing our general membership.

To that end, the president of the LCCC Board of Governors, Chris Allen, is leaving no stone unturned in his preparations for the first annual "State of The Club" meeting. In an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Allen revealed that he has retained the services of a professional speech coach to aid in his preparations for his address next Thursday night, March 17.

When pressed for the source of such inspiration, the President went full disclosure. "Look, I snuck out of work one afternoon to go see that movie, 'The King's Speech', just to see what all the damn fuss was about. After watching it, I figured if that guy could teach King Whatshisname how to talk on the radio without sounding like Mel Tillis, I could find someone who could make me sound like James Earl Jones."

While Allen declined to reveal the name of his speech coach, he did credit the source of the referral.  "When your shitter is clogged, you don't call a carpenter to repair it, right? You get a plumber. So, I went to the best public speaker I know, Mike Bowers, and asked him where he learned his oratory skills. He recommended two guys, and since Jack Daniels wasn't available, I went with the other guy, who I found had actually worked with former President Bush on his public speaking issues.  I'm very pleased with the results, and am looking forward to applying my new skills in my Presidential Address on March 17."

THR was able to attend a copy of some video on the working Allen's speech coach had done with President Bush, which can be seen in the following video.  Stirring stuff, indeed.

Other than that, Mrs. Woods, how was your Thanksgiving dinner?

Boys against men?
Christians vs. lions?
Joe vs. The Volcano?

However one-sided these comparisons may appear, they may forever be relegated to the archives of history after yesterday's convincing victory by the visitors from Royal Oaks, who trounced the home team from LCCC by a score of 27-9 in the first match of the 2011 TGA League Play series.


"Psst.  Shearburn! These guys aren't b-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad."

Kudos to Mike Bowers and Mike Shearburn (pictured above) for their pluck and courage in serving as DSLs (Designated Sacrificial Lambs) in the Scratch flight, and to Messrs. Hameline, Robles, Robinson, Schmertz, McCallum, and Whitehead for proudly representing LCCC.  Despite the lopsided outcome on the course, Omar in the 19th Hole reported that we outdrank the visitors by a wide margin in the post-match festivities. So we have that going for us. Which is nice.

The good guys will try to get into the "W" column next Thursday, when the squad will travel west on LBJ Freeway to tangle with the guys from DAC.

She Blinded Me - With Science!

As the dormant turf has made it increasingly difficult to find even the straightest of shots at this time of year, Bob Gats and Todd Wilson are the latest in a long list of savvy duffers who've switched to optic yellow ammo, and enthusiastically report that the ease in which they can find these day-glo pellets has shaved both strokes and time off their rounds. 

In a moment of inspiration, Tim Unverzagt reports that he's developed a most interesting scientific application for high-optic technology. Formerly a fixture in our weekend golf scene, Tim mysteriously vanished from LCCC last fall shortly after a long business trip to Asia. Following an anonymous tip that led him all the way to Japan, The Hosel Rocket's own investigative reporter Geraldo Rivera recently spotted Unverzagt on the streets of Tokyo, as he was seen stepping out one evening with a posse of comely companions. It was then that the mystery of Tim's disappearance was solved.  He'd been doing market research for his latest invention.

"Do you know how hard it is to find a petite Asian woman at night in a dark hotel suite?", lamented Unverzagt to Geraldo, both ladies men of epic reputations.  "I got tired of stubbing my toe coming back from the john, or when I stepped out in the hallway behind the ice machine to have a smoke. At first, I tried duct taping their cell phones to their foreheads so I could call their number and find them when their phones lit up, but it turns out duct tape doesn't stick very well to Mazola oil, and the damn things kept falling off."

It was then that Unverzagt revealed his invention - glowing dental implants. "Just think about it, there's really only a few areas on a woman's body that I'm really interested in, and what better place to start than the mouth?  I just call their name - or names, depending on the evening - and I just walk toward their smile.  It's perfect!  I haven't stubbed my toe - or anything else - in over a month."

Please see the following video for highlights of the recent field trials of Tim's invention.  Truly amazing!