Rocket Clubz

As a reminder, tomorrow (March 30) is Demo Day at the club, with a large selection of putters, irons, wedges, fairway woods and drivers available for test drive from a wide range of manufacturers.

Some, it seems, couldn't wait for Demo day to arrive. Fed up with all the marketing hype around TaylorMade's RocketBallz club line, Todd Wilson is the first member of LCCC to play with the new RiverRocket, Model H20.

"Wilson! Come back Wilson!! WILSON!!!"

Manufactured by Nike, this 460-cc, ultra-stiff, weapon of grass destruction features an innovative titanium cavity that delivers a perfect combination of balance, distance, control and, when needed, buoyancy.

With a distinctive head cover crafted from the finest mink scrotum, the RiverRocket is on sale now in the pro shop at a discounted price of $499.  Put one in your bag, and you'll never have to worry about carrying the river to the left of hole #5 again.

Flushed...with Pride

Whether wielding a deck of cards, a ball retriever, or his checkbook, Bob Dray is a guy who plays to win, a philosophy he has always applied to the political arena as well.

"Fork it over, buttercup. Its
for a good cause. Trust me." 


A staunch liberal and generous donor to the National Democratic Party, Bob was recently appointed by Vice President Joe Biden to lead the Irving chapter of the 2012 Obama-Biden re-election campaign.

Taking on his new responsibilities with the same determination he brings to emptying our ponds of golf balls, Bob made what he thought was a generous contribution to the campaign war chest of the Democratic Party, but one that ended up coming back to bit him on the ass.  Literally.

"Look, anyone who knows me understands I recently had surgery on my hand, and it affected my handwriting a little," lamented Dray in an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket. "I wrote a check for $2,012 to 'Obama Biden', but it's obvious those idiots in Washington couldn't read my writing."

A quick visit to a warehouse in a sketchy section of Highland Park revealed the consequences of Dray's wobbly penmanship. "Those damn knuckleheads shipped me 2,012 Obama Bidets; the money was supposed to go to the re-election campaign. I know I have 12 bathrooms in my house, but what the hell am I going to do with the other 2,000?" 

"Dray's Oval Office"

In a classic example of turning lemons into lemonade, Dray applied his entrepreneurial genius to create a new business model for his new inventory of personal hygiene products.

After first consulting with road construction magnet Bob Armstrong ("Bob's Barricades") to verify that there would be no trademark infringement issues, Dray announced the launch of his new business, "Dray's Bidets" last week on ABC's Good Morning America, and his plan to rent out official President Barack Obama Bidets to LCCC members on a monthly basis.

"Look, summer's coming, and everyone gets a little case of swamp crotch after a round of golf in 95-degree heat. What better way to refresh yourself after four hours of golf (six, if you're Tom Francis) than with a quick trip to Dray's Bidet's?," gushed Bob. "Plus, if you're a ONE Member, I'll throw in the second unit at the same cost."

"If Herb Kohler could make money on this stuff, why can't I? Who knows, if this business takes off, I just might build my own golf course, just like he did with Whistling Straits."

In a related story, AVID Golfer magazine has announced that their May edition will feature a sneak preview of a new, ultra-exclusive golf club that will open later in 2012. Located in Dallas on the shores of Bachman Lake, The Links at Porcelain Trace is expected to surpass Dallas National Golf Club as the preferred club for the most discerning golfers in the Metroplex.

Look for the issue next month on newsstands everywhere.

R.I.P. Winter 2011-2012

With a recent run of glorious weather, and our fairways and trees turning a brighter shade of green with each passing weekend, it's apparent that Old Man Winter has left town, leaving his older brother, Bob Dray, to fend for himself for another year.

"How to find dis place, Cool River?
I hear day have Beaver dere."

As such, Commission Carter has decreed that Winter Rules are hereby suspended effective this weekend, along with the grip-length of relief that we've enjoyed through soggy conditions over the last several months. However, as we prepare to go back to playing the ball as it lies, not everyone is pleased with the arrival of spring at LCCC.

"I'm packing up zee traps in tree days and heading home", announced Pierre "Pepe" LePelt, the nomadic French Canadian fur trader, part-time golfer and seasonal resident of the grounds of Las Colinas Country Club. 

"Too many golfers on course now - scare away all zee animals," lamented a forlorn LePelt.  Muskrats? All hidink. Woodchuck? Same ting. And zee beaver? Oo la la, Francois love zee beaver, even da ones wit four legs. But day all gone, too."

When asked if the indigenous bird, fish, and vermin population would be enough to sustain his trapping and fur trading business until next winter, LePelt was unequivocal. "Normally, oui. But one a dem golfers iss out dere keeling all da birts, feeshes, and rodints with da golf ball. Merde! I don't who dees sheethead iss, but if Pierre catch im, he wring hiss scrawny neck!"