Now, THAT'S Entertainment!

Fresh off his tour de force performance at last month's La Buena Bola awards banquet, Ron Wollard announced that LCCC has signed our very own Mike Bowers to a three-month contract to provide entertainment each Friday night in the Main Ballroom.

Performing under his stage name of "The Baritone Barrister" (a nod toward his day job as partner at the law firm of Bell Nunnally & Martin LLP), Bowers is shown astride the club's baby grand piano belting out a spirited rendition of his own original composition, "There Ain't But One 'B' in 'Ribbon'".

In a flourish of showmanship that evoked comparisons to Fred Astaire, Bowers then leaped off the piano and executed a perfect slide down the bannister into the dining room, landing on a table, scattering a floral arrangement, and coming to rest on Heather Huffman's lap, where he remained for 30 minutes while her concerned husband finished his dinner.

In addition to his covers of classic American standards, Bowers will perform a number of his original legal-themed compositions, including "Three Torts in The Fountain", "I Left My Briefs in San Francisco", "Call Me Irresponsible (and I'll Sue Your Ass)", and "That's No Paralegal-That's My Wife!". Opening for Bowers will be the Friedken Brothers, whose musical stylings can be seen in the following video.

Seating will be limited, so Ron recommends you get there early, try the veal, tip your waitresses, and drive home safely.

Coming Soon! In Theatres!!

Fresh off their recent undercover assignments in Hong Kong, The Hosel Rocket has learned that Gil Hollander and Tim Unverzagt have signed on with Paramount Pictures to star in the latest installment of the Rush Hour movie series, entitled Rush Hour 5: Enter The Blacksmith. Currently filming on location in Hong Kong, the two stars are shown here relaxing after a grueling day on the set.

Mr. Unverzagt (in the role formerly played by Chris Tucker) plays Duane Pipe, a three-time winner on the Nationwide Tour whose once promising career was derailed by an endless procession of liaisons with admiring female fans ("Hey, good looking. You think you like it behind those ropes, wait until I have you in those ropes..."). Banished from the Tour for bedding a tournament sponsor (Betty White; playing herself in a cameo role), he travels to Hong Kong for a much-needed vacation, whereupon he decides to take up residence and open a driving range that doubles as a brothel ("The Pipe Cleaner").

Cast in the role formerly played by Jackie Chan, Mr. Hollander plays Chin Tu Fat, a broken down, 50-something martial arts master who decides to take up golf after getting his ass kicked by a teenage girl in a Beijing judo tournament. With nothing more than his modest dreams and a battered set of clubs, Chin wanders into Mr. Pipe's establishment in search of golf instruction. Their partnership is sealed when Pipe agrees to teach Chin a golf swing in exchange for free karate lessons, which he deems necessary to defend his lovely employees from the incursions of a local pimp (played convincingly by Chris Allen).

After watching Chin spend several months banging balls (and the hired help), Pipe deems Chin's swing ready for the crucible of tournament competition. Facilitated by a well-timed bribe to the tournament sponsor, Chin secures a sponsor's exemption to the prestigious P.F. Chang’s Open at the Kowloon Golf and Mahjong Club.

Chin proceeds to enter "The Chang's" accompanied by Pipe, a gallery of his nubile employees, and a talking yak named Nelson, who serves as his caddie and motivational coach. After three-putting 36 greens and missing the cut by one stroke (“Damn these greens! They’re harder to read than Chinese arithmetic!!”), a sagging Chin turns to the services of a mysterious Asian blacksmith, Mi Yip (played by Tom Francis) in a desperate effort to cure his putting woes.

Purported to be the last known descendant of the legendary Ping Dynasty, Mi teaches Chin the skills passed along to him by his ancient ancestors - how to shoe horses, make wrought iron patio furniture, and master the delicate art of brushing a golf ball into a hole with nothing more than a flat stick.

Armed with a new stroke, and brimming with the confidence instilled in him by Master Yip (“When you can walk across the practice green and leave no trace, it is then that you will know you are ready, grasshopper”), Chin heads back to Hong Kong. With Nelson on his bag and Pipe's jiggling entourage in the gallery, he bests a world-class field to win the Pei Wei Classic by six shots, and along with it a rich endorsement deal from Ben-Wa Golf Balls.

Look for Rush Hour 5: Enter The Blacksmith in theatres this Labor Day!

Birds of A Feather

As you enjoy the flora and fauna that abound throughout our golf course, Joe Wisdorf has asked me to remind everyone that LCCC is home to one of the largest colonies of the North American Tufted Titmouse (aviaris pamelandersonus), better known to local bird aficionados as the Large Breasted Mattress Thrasher.

"These delicate creatures are at their most vulnerable during the summer months that coincide with their peak mating season," said Anita Mandalay, spokesperson for the Irving chapter of The National Audubon Society. "Thrashers can be aggressive if provoked, slighted or even slightly ignored, and are capable of inflicting serious financial damage in neighboring habitats such as Highland Park Village, The Dallas Galleria, and Park Place Motorcars."

LCCC is also home to the rare Silver Crested Range Bird (aviaris shanksalot), also known as Leadbetter's Wobbly Warbler. While seldom straying far from its native habitat (the driving range), Warblers scatter their distinctive, red-spotted eggs in a most indiscriminate manner, often in other birds' nests (as in the above photo from Hollander's Unofficial Field Guide to Birds), parking lots, tennis courts, ponds, yards, swimming pools and, on rare occasions, putting greens.

Please remember to use caution when encroaching on the native habitats of both of these fine feathered friends during your next round of golf. Thank you.