Dustin Who?

In a performance that evoked comparisons to Dustin Johnson's stunning collapse in the final round of this year's U.S. Open, Flight 1 co-leaders Matt Miller and Scott Wenning each fired matching 90's in the final round of the LCCC Club Championship, opening the door for Dave Schmertz (who carded a sizzling 77) to win the Flight by a comfortable five-stroke margin over John "The Bronze Bear" Ehlert.

Inspired by the performances of their playing partners, Tom Wagner (also a 1st round co-leader) and Jim Quirk (one shot back) responded with final round scores of 88 and 87, respectively, as all four fell out of the money. The combined score of 357 elicited gasps from the stunned crowd who had gathered around the score board in breathless anticipation of the 1st round leaders' return to the clubhouse.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS OUT THERE?! HEY, TEDDY, COME TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SCOREBOARD!!!", bellowed Ehlert, so jubilant in discovering he'd finished second that he announced he was buying beer for everyone, which he proceeded to dispense from a free keg of Bud Lime provided by the club. "I haven't seen a meltdown like this since those Russkies blew up Chernobyl in '86, and that was a popcorn fart compared to this performance! Holy cow!!"

Wenning was last seen sitting disconsolately in the shade next to the keg, where Ehlert held the beer dispenser to the corner of his mouth with one hand while massaging his shoulders with the other. Ever the sportsman, Wenning did his best to put a positive spin on the day's events during an interview with Roger Maltbie.

"Every part of my game went off the rails, but I'll be OK after this Budweiser IV," said Wenning. "I just got a call from Dustin Johnson on Kristi Martin's cell phone, telling me to cheer up and thanking me for taking his name out of the golf news for a while. I also want to congratulate Steven Holtgrieve as our new club champion, Dave Schmertz and all the other flight winners, and to the club staff, sponsors, and the good folks at NBC for running such a fine event."

To see the complete list of results and flight winners, click here.

Over The Hills (& Far Away) - Hong Kong

On the heels of their disappointing performances in the 2010 La Buena Bola member-guest tournament, Gil Hollander and Tim Unverzagt recently fled the U.S. for Hong Kong, abandoning once-promising careers in the jewelry industry in exchange for lucrative positions as foreign correspondents for The Hosel Rocket.

In their first assignment (pictured above) the daring duo impersonated a pair of famous Chinese acrobats, Chin Tu Fat & Wai Yu Kum Nao, going undercover to help bring down a notorious local prostitution ring.

"Not only did we bust some bad guys, but we got to keep these killer pajamas, and I got to make some new friends," said Mr. Unverzagt. "While they were very appreciative to have been granted their freedom, communication has been somewhat of a challenge. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t understand Cantonese, or the fact that I’m talking to the top of their head. For example, Gil ordered a certain type of spa treatment, but ended up getting a 'blue job' which apparently is a pedicure with Tidy-Bowl. Go figure, it's a crazy country."

Your TXDOT Dollars at Work

The Pyramids. Machu Picchu. The Eiffel Tower. The Rangers Bullpen. The Taj Mahal. The Golden Gate Bridge. LCCC #5.

Yes, thanks to the good folks at TXDOT, our #5 tee box will soon join the pantheon of the greatest construction projects in the history of civilization. While we stand in awe of the Pyramids and marvel at the grandeur of Machu Picchu, the ancient Egyptians and Incas could not have created a wonder such as the #5 Tee Box due to the challenges associated with more modern day construction projects.

Overcoming these challenges are the brave laborers from TXDOT, who in the face of perilous working conditions (i.e., errant tee shots on #4; "roach coach" cuisine; malodorous port-a-johns roasting in the sun) apply cutting-edge construction methods to shape earth and water into our new tee box.

Work is now underway on the brick retaining wall that will surround the new tee box, with boat loads of bricks coming up through the Mandalay Canal each day. These efforts can be seen in the attached video, which Joe Wisdorf captured with a hidden video camera housed in a small bird house behind the 4th green. As you can see, it's dangerous work, indeed.

Have You Been Driven to Ford Lately?

At the conclusion of last Saturday night's La Buena Bola Member-Guest award banquet, LCCC head golf professional Robert Singletary announced that Dave McCallum won the most coveted door prize of the evening, an all-expenses paid trip to the The Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, CA.

As he departed the premises for DFW in a golf cart confiscated by his Bola partner, Tom Warren, McCallum took a nip from a bottle of single malt and tried to put his trip to Betty Ford in perspective. "After four days of consuming nothing but distilled spirits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, it does a body good to dry out a wee bit", said the diminutive Scot. "Like every glass, I'm choosing to look at this one as half-full. There are several great ClubCorp courses in the area, and you can bet I'll be packing my sticks."

In an unrelated development, The Hosel Rocket has learned that fellow LCCC member Tom Francis has checked himself into the Gerald Ford Clinic. A companion facility located in Rancho Mirage, the GFC was established in honor of the late 38th President of The United States, whose erratic play on the golf course was legendary. As found on the Clinic web site, the GFC "strives to provide a safe, nurturing environment for avid golfers whose love for the game is unquestioned, but whose lack of skill poses a danger to themselves, as well as their playing partners, family, spectators, and wallets."

At $10,000/day, the GFC is one of the most expensive facilities of its kind (second only to the David Leadbetter Academy). However, Tom's loyal Bola partner, Layne Burtz, deemed it money well-spent. "If I ever have to stand next to Tom again while he lines up a two-foot putt, I might give up the game. It's a lot of money, but at this point I thought it was time for an intervention."

Though it will be several weeks before Tom can receive visitors, he reported via email that he's making excellent progress. "I'm staying in the Yip Wing, which is better than it sounds. It means I get three extra hours of putting practice each day. My doctor, Joel Edwards, made two minor changes to my posture and grip, and I've been making everything! Next week, he says we're going to get rid of the laundry basket and start putting into a real cup!!"

Dr. Tim, Medicine Man

SOUTHLAKE, TX - Every year, thousands of women are forced to give up golf due to a debilitating illness known as Golf Blindness (yabbos gigantum). Unlike those afflicted with Night or Color Blindness, those afflicted with this disease eventually lose the ability to see their golf ball at address, thus prompting them to quit the game.

"These women aren't freaks, they're people, and they need to know that there's more to life than just golf," reports Dr. Tim Unverzagt, founder of the Southlake Center for Golf Blindness (SCGB). "It's one thing to be totally unable to putt, say like Tom Francis, but at least he can see the ball. These poor women can't, and it's not their fault. They need someone to take their hand, pour them a glass of wine, massage their...um... shoulders, and tell them that everything will be alright. My methods have been tested on thousands of patients, and are guaranteed to make women feel better about living with Golf Blindness in as little as 10 minutes."

Known in local circles as "Dr. Funbags", Unverzagt cited doctor-patient privilege in not revealing additional details on his treatment methods. However, he has established a toll free hot line (1-800-TIM-CANS) that can be given to any woman who appears at the early onset of the disease. A brief video is attached that will help you identify those needing help.