Get a Grip (length)!

JERRY HAAS
BISMARCK (ND) CC CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP, 1963

While our golfing brethren to the north are using their courses for other purposes at this time of year, we in North Texas are blessed to have temperatures that allow us to play through the winter. However, with the incessant cycles of freezing than thawing that occur during the winter months, the fairways and rough can get a little sloppy from time-to-time, thus the decision to invoke Winter Rules for the next several months.

As a reminder, all players are entitled to one grip-length of relief through the green (no closer to the hole), with the ability to lift, clean, and place your ball where conditions so dictate. Per USGA Rule 7-1, please post your scores as you would at any other time of year when these rules are not in effect. Thank you.

Achtung, Baby! Dray Fires Back!!



RIMSTING, GERMANY (UPI) - Far as far away as Germany, the aftershocks of the December 11th  grudge match between Bob Dray and Tom Francis are still being felt, as evidenced by a recent interview that the vacationing Mr. Dray provided to Ms. Ivana Fuchs of the German daily, Deutsche Allgemeine Zeitung.

In the interests of journalistic integrity, The Hosel Rocket is pleased to publish Mr. Dray's interview in its entirety, with the German to English translation provided by our very own Mr. Tee:

The true story of the last match of the year that decided the championship between Dashing Dray and Tom the Terrier.

Dashing Dray had to give Tom the Terrier seven strokes on the front and six on the back. The match came down to the final two holes with Tom the Terrier leading by five shots, setting the stage for a typical Dashing Dray heroic comeback as Tom the Terrier had broken five of his clubs and three of Dashing Dray’s in fits of frustration.

On the 17th tee, with Tom the Terrier leading by five strokes, Dashing Dray strikes a laser like shot to the pin as Tom the Terrier snaps his shot into the water. He then asks Dashing Dray for a ball, as he did not want to walk to his bag to retrieve one of how own. Dashing Dray obliged, even though he had given a sleeve of new Titleists to Tom the Terrier earlier in the round.

On the 18th tee, Dashing Dray and Tom the Terrier strike similar drives even though Tom the Terrier is snapping at Dashing Dray’s heals as he is driving. Dashing Dray strikes another laser shot, with Tom the Terrier again snapping at Dashing Dray’s heals as he is hitting the shot. The ball strikes the lollipop in the middle of the fairway and goes into the water! Then, having previously given all of his balls to Tom the Terrier, Dashing Dray was forced to ask for a a ball from his playing partner.  Dashing Dray then drops, and lashes another laser onto the green and makes five.

Tom the Terrier then hits his next shot into the water, moves closer, chunks two more of Dashing Dray’s balls into the water, and then blades his final ball over the green, where he is now laying nine.  Having witnessed the greatest collapse since the Berlin Wall fell, and being afraid Tom the Terrier would hit him with one of his remaining clubs, Dashing Dray agreed not tell anyone if Tom the Terrier agreed to pay the five dollar bet.

He did not pay, and instead bribed the editor of The Hosel Rocket to print a fallacious story in the Hosel Rocket.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Dashing (Bob) Dray

In the words of Mark Twain, "there are two sides to every story, and then there's the truth". In the opinion of this editor, I don't believe we've heard the last of this story from either Bob or Tom.

Back to The Future

Ted Borek and John Ehlert - December 27, 2029. Delray Beach Golf and Shuffleboard Club.

Stop The Presses! Stop The Presses!!

Water skiing squirrels. Donald Trump's hair. Mike Huffman preparing to putt on #5 - without his putter. Yes, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction, but the aforementioned will forever take a back seat to what transpired Saturday afternoon on the 18th hole at Las Colinas Country Club.

Playing in their final grudge match of the year, Tommy "The Tortoise" Francis and Bob "All Day" Dray strode grimly down the 18th fairway after 6 1/2 hours of play, Francis clinging to a 1-up lead, Dray clinging to his pant leg like a feisty terrier. Arriving at his ball a mere 38 minutes after walking off the tee box, the normally steady Dray proceeded to block his second shot right, where it skittered through the rough and into the water hazard. Some 50 yards up the fairway, Francis observed the ball enter the water, breathing a sigh of relief in knowing that even a four-putt on 18 might be enough to win the match.

As his disconsolate opponent traipsed down the fairway toward the hazard, Francis withdrew a ball retriever and began searching along the shoreline for Dray's wayward shot, finding several of his own balls from prior rounds (including one wedged inside a large fish), a wedge that once belonged to Tim Unverzagt, and the rusted remains of an old Vespa that bore the initials "T.W." on the handle bars. Alas, Dray's ball was nowhere to be seen, having come to rest somewhere in the depths of the murky water. It wasn't until Dray arrived at the edge of the pond did Francis hear him utter the words that would set the golf world on its collective ear:

"Tom, I'm out of golf balls. You win", said Dray, extending his hand to congratulate his victorious foe.

In a gesture of sportsmanship not seen since John Ehlert granted Ted Borek a mulligan for hailing a beverage cart girl in the middle of his back swing, Francis shook Dray's hand, and then pronounced the match a draw. Bewildered, Dray was heard to utter "well, in that case, at least let me buy you a free muffin", as the two combatants trudged up the hill arm-in-arm to the 19th Hole, knowing that history had been made that day.

"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind! Bob Dray running out of golf balls?!", gushed an incredulous Francis in his post-match interview with Jim Nance. "Why, I would have been less surprised to hear that those folks at Gillette ran out of razor blades, or that C.D. Heinen wanted a hair dryer for Christmas. But Dray out of golf balls?! I almost wet my pants!"

When asked by Nance what prompted him to make such a magnanimous gesture, Francis said "I knew Bob was leaving for vacation in Germany next week. I thought taking $5 from him might hit his travel budget hard, perhaps forcing him to leave his wife at home. I just couldn't bear to take his money."

In response, Dray was his typical stoic self. "These ponds have been pretty much fished out since the algae died, and there was no way I was going to buy a sleeve of balls just to play my final round of the year. They should be full again by the time I come back from vacation, and when they are, I'll be back."

Update: Friday Afternoon Golf




"THAT'LL BE $20....
AND I CAN'T MAKE CHANGE."

  Posted on behalf of the Golf Shop staff.

Las Colinas golf shop's Friday afternoon golf game has been a great success. Thank you to all the players, low and higher handicaps, who have come out to participate in the game.

During the winter months, we will be continuing the golf game (weather permitting) and the formats will vary. This Friday the weather forecast shows a high temperature of 69 degrees. Yes, there will be a Friday afternoon golf game with a 12:45pm SHOTGUN. Please be on the putting green no later than 12:30pm to establish the teams.

The format this week will be 4 man teams, 2 best ball net MONEY BALL (80% handicaps). Money ball? Money Ball (aka Lone Ranger, Yellow Ball) is a game for 4-person teams that puts the onus on one player per hole to come through for t! he team.

In this game, two scores per hole are added together for the team score. Here's the catch: One of those two scores must be from the player with the money ball. So on each hole, the team score will be the score of the player with the money ball, plus the lowest score of the other three players on the team. The team will be responsible for determining the order of the money ball players. For example, Player A uses it on the first hole, B on the second, C on the third, D on the fourth, then back to A on the fifth and so on.

The game is open to all skill levels (LOW, MID AND HIGH) and there will be a $20 cash entry fee that goes toward the game. The breakdown of the money will be as follows: $5 for 1st 6 holes, $5 for 2nd 6 holes and $5 for 3rd 6 holes and $5 for skins. If you wish to play, please call the golf shop or email Eric at eric.hunt@ourclub.com.

We hope you will join us this Friday afternoon for some competitive and a fun round of golf.

LCCC Golf Professional Staff

Mi-Tee Cup Preview

The 2010 Mi-Tee Cup Challenge is set for next weekend, with the festivities kicking off on Friday night at 6:30 PM with the Team Draft Party.

For complete details on the 2010 Mi-Tee Cup, including the tournament format and rules, please click here.

Tomillo Returns!

IRVING, TX (UPI) - The sense of anticipation was almost unbearable yesterday, as crowds of people lined up on O'Connor Boulevard to gain a glimpse of the motorcade speeding toward the gates of Las Colinas Country Club.  It only took moments to confirm what many had been predicting for months - Tomillo Villegas had returned.

Upon alighting from his luxury sedan, he politely declined an autograph request from Ron Woolard, and a second request from Eric Hunt to wash his car.  However, before entering the clubhouse (off limits to the media), Tomillo consented to a brief interview with Kristi Martin, the newest roving reporter for The Hosel Rocket.

"Tomillo, it's said that your proficiency with the putter is comparable to a drunken man trying to do a crossword puzzle at night on the deck of a lurching ship. Why then did you choose to abandon LCCC during the last few months when the club's greens were recovering from the effects of the summer heat?  Wouldn't a temporary green or two actually have helped your game?", probed Martin.

"Well, Kristi, it's like this. I've spent my entire life working on this putting stroke, and didn't feel that the condition of the greens were conducive to keeping me in the 46-48 putts/round range that I pride myself on.  I figured when the grass came back to life, I'd come back to Las Colinas.  Kind of like those salmon that go back to Capistrano.  No one knows why they come back - they just do!"

In a related story, Joel Edwards reports that he will have no open lesson times until April of 2011.

Change We Can Believe In? Fuggedaboutit!

This week's 2010 mid-term elections saw the Democrats lose the House of Representatives (cheer up, Dray!), hold the Senate, and return a number of governor's mansions to Republican control.  Looking ahead, there's no question that a change of draperies is in store for the Oval Office two years hence.

While the landscape for 2012 presidential candidates still appears quite muddled, a grass roots campaign is underway in New Jersey to bring a new brand of leadership to The White House, as the attached paid political advertisement depicts.  Remember, when the time comes, vote early and often!

Dirty Balls?

Let's face it, we all get to the point every now and then when the inside of the golf bag begins to resemble a shag bag, chock full of faded balls bearing scuffs, grass stains, skid marks, tree bark, and other detritus acquired during their often crooked journies around our course.

When it's time to get some new ammo, the discerning duffer is confronted with two choices: load up in the pro shop or local golf discount store, or replenish your bag from what can be harvested from the ponds around our course (requires $3.00/ball mineral rights fee, payable to Bob Dray). As each of these options can prove quite expensive, it's important to take good care of those Pro-V1's, Bridgestones, and Flying Ladies (Tim, FYI, this is not a social networking site for stewardesses).

To that end, LCCC has asked me to remind everyone that ball washers are provided adjacent to every tee box, which will keep your pellets as sparkling white as the day they were purchased from your retailer or Dray. For those stubborn, hard to clean balls, the attached video from the USGA will provide further instruction on how to keep those little guys squeaky clean.

Lucky or Good? Why Not Both!

Second only to the "Tastes Great or Less Filling" debate, the question as to whether it's better to be lucky or good is one that has stumped some of the greatest minds in the history of civilization.  Now, thanks to Bob Dray, the answer to this conundrum of all conundrums has now been revealed.

"Lucky or good?  Why not both?!", says the crafty veteran, shown here during a 1962 appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, performing under his stage name, "Dray The Magnificent". He recently put his hypothesis to the test in front of a group stunned onlookers during a recent round of golf at LCCC.

Finding his drive resting atop a bed of algae in the culvert right off #14, and eschewing a drop and the associated one-stroke penalty, Dray withdrew a battered hybrid from his bag, and hit his second shot from the concrete-lined hazard to the grove of trees left of the fairway. From there, he hit his third shot from 140 yards to 25 feet, and proceeded to drain the putt for a miraculous par save.

Moments later on #15, and after snap-hooking his drive into the trees left of the fairway, Dray demonstrated that his feat on #14 was a mere warm-up act. Rather than take his medicine and punch out into the safety of the fairway, Dray took dead aim at the flag some 160 yards across the water, and hit a low, sizzling approach out of the trees that took one skip off the water, cleared the pond's retaining wall, and finally came to rest on the collar of the green. Moments later, he got up and down once again to save par, brandishing his putter like a magic wand as the ball fell into the hole.

"Executed just as planned," deadpanned Dray The Magnificent. "Anyone can hit these greens from the fairway - what's so special about that?"  For more examples of where it's better to be lucky than good, please see the following video:

Carter Says "Prostata Non Grata"

Get well wishes go out to our good friend, Frank Carter, who recently decided to take a little time away from work and golf to bid farewell to his long-time friend, Emilio Prostata. Here's a photo of Frank in a farewell embrace with little Emilio, who has since embarked on a new career as a wrestler in the Mexican lucha libre circuit, where he is competing under the moniker "El Pequeño Ano Najarian".

Frank has asked me to let everyone know that he's doing well, and that he looks forward to being back on the golf course by November 1 and rejoining our weekly games of chance.  We wish him a speedy return.

Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves

The Hosel Rocket has recently learned that a militant band of gypsies from the breakaway republic of Tomfrancistahn has been sighted prowling the grounds of LCCC. Wearing garish clothing and disguises to protect their identities (see Tom "I'm Mad As Hell" Francis and Greg "I'm Not Going to Take It Any More" Ferguson, pictured above), Homeland Security officials have determined that these incursions are most likely nothing more than a covert effort to determine when they plan to rejoin the action at LCCC, now that our greens have returned to a condition more befitting a private club rather than a goat ranch.

When encountering one of these poor, displaced souls, please make every effort to be courteous. Make sure they can find their way to the locker room. Point them in the right direction of the #1 tee. Remind them that they are entitled to all of the free tees, ball markers, divot tools, and golf pencils they can carry. Last but not least, please remember to be gracious to these traumatized, former members-in-exile when taking money from them when they deem the course suitable for rejoining their fellow members in competition.

Welcome back, boys.

Seasons Greetings

Gil Hollander has asked me to remind everyone that as of today there are only 90 shopping days left until Christmas, and that Zales has added extra staff at their Red Bird Mall store in anticipation of heavy holiday shopping crowds this weekend.

For a little something to get you in the holiday spirit, please click below.

Under The (Picnic) Table...And Dreaming

In one of the most anticipated concerts of the year (sorry, Kraig Parker), the Dave Matthews Band visited the Superpages.com Center on Saturday night for a sold-out show. The large contingent of LCCC members in attendance included Cipriano Robles and his wife, Amy, and Jeff Holshevnikoff and his girlfriend, Nicole, whom Jeff flew in from Chicago specifically to attend the show.

The pre-concert festivities began earlier that day at Trophy Club, where Cip and friends got in 18 holes of golf in the scorching afternoon heat, followed by post-round cocktail crawl that began in TC's 19th Hole, proceeded to poolside at Tom Wagner's house, and finally ended in the Mixed Grill at LCCC. Though not a Dave Matthews fan, Amy gamely agreed to go in support of Cip's ardent devotion to the group and their music, promising to file a concert report for The Hosel Rocket the following day.

As things turned out, it was quite a show, but not as memorable as the one that played out on the lawn of the concert venue, where Cip, Amy, Jeff, and Nicole were seated. "We found a good place to sit on the lawn just as the concert started," said Amy, "when I turned around to say to Cip 'wow, these guys sound pretty good'. It was then that we noticed he was flat on his back, passed out on the grass. It was ironic that the band was playing 'Ants Marching', as a dozen of them were snaking across his forehead at that very moment."

Despite the raucous atmosphere, Amy reports that her husband snored blissfully through the two hour show, later citing the effect of that afternoon's sun as the reason for his turf nap. "I had a great time with Jeff and Nicole, and really wouldn't have been too mad at Cip had he not started drooling on the leg of a woman on the next blanket over. Fortunately, I had some hand sanitizer in my purse, which I offered to the woman so she could clean herself up."

Finally, Amy reports that Cip (and his sleeping bag) will be back on the lawn when Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform on September 21.

The King is back...sort of.

As a reminder, Kraig Parker will be bringing his world famous Elvis Presley tribute to LCCC on Friday night, with plenty of tickets still available. Call Kelli Kelsey at 972.541.1141 for more details.

Kudos to Social Committee dynamos and part-time paparazzi Marilyn Noble and Lynn Cox for snapping the above photo of the faux King at his private recording studio in Garland, where he's been rehearsing a new duet with acclaimed Michael Jackson impersonator, Eric Hunt.

The Hosel Rocket has learned that the song will be a take-off of Presley's classic "Caught in a Trap" composition from the 1960s, with lyrics customized for the hip, swinging crowd that's sure to be in attendance at LCCC:

I'm caught in a trap
I can't blast out
Because there's too much netting, baby.

Why can't you see
What it's doing to me
My score went from 75 to 80...(went to 80!)

We can't go on together
With suspicious traps (suspicious traps)
When I hit in these bunkers
I might as well blow Taps...

Remember, 8:00 PM on Friday night...as Lynn and Marilyn will tell you, you won't want to miss it.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

After a long, hot summer (which may not be over quite yet), football season is finally here, with a full slate of college games kicking off tonite.

Of the many story lines that will dominate this year's college game, few are more intriguing than Bobby Bowden's decision to finally retire from coaching at the age of 103, a watershed event that has triggered a dramatic series of events at Florida State University. As reported by ESPN's Erin Andrews, the demographics of the FSU program have changed virtually overnight - Chief Osceola will no longer wear Depends under his loincloth, FSU cheerleader tryouts will no longer resemble a casting call for The Golden Girls, and dinner will no longer be served at 4:30 PM.

Going...Going...Gong!

The bad news? The condition of our #10 green has deteriorated to the point that the green has been closed, with a temporary green installed until further notice.

The good news? For starters:
1.) The greens have diverted everyone's attention away from "Bunkergate".
2.) Anything inside 40-feet is an automatic two-putt (somewhere in Carrollton, a middle-aged white man in a large hat is rejoicing).
3.) It's paved the way for a new version of "The Gong Show", which will be produced by NBC and filmed on location from the 10th hole at LCCC.

For those like Matt Miller who weren't yet born, The Gong Show was an immensely popular NBC program that ran from 1976-1978, and which featured weekly contests between amateur performers of often dubious talent (in other words, just like LCCC on any given weekend). If any judge considered an act to be particularly bad, he or she could strike a large gong, thus forcing the performer to stop.

The The LCCC Gong Show will take on a couple of different twists. First, John Ehlert (playing the role of the legendary emcee, Chuck Barris) will interview the "Unknown Greenskeeper", who will offer various theories, hypotheses, and agronomy-related mumbo jumbo to explain the deteriorating conditions of the LCCC greens, all the while wearing a brown paper bag on his head to protect his identity.

Second, as a featured part of each episode, a large, floating gong will be anchored in the pond adjacent to the 10th fairway, providing golfers with an alternative target to the temporary green on #10. Any player hitting the gong will be awarded 100 Carpenter Cup points (Note - requires payment of $50 Gong Management Fee to KSL), and the opportunity to repurchase their golf ball for $5.00 from Bob Dray (who owns mineral and diving rights in the pond).

Please see the following video clip of the pilot for the show, which was filmed in Ireland earlier this year.

Now, THAT'S Entertainment!

Fresh off his tour de force performance at last month's La Buena Bola awards banquet, Ron Wollard announced that LCCC has signed our very own Mike Bowers to a three-month contract to provide entertainment each Friday night in the Main Ballroom.

Performing under his stage name of "The Baritone Barrister" (a nod toward his day job as partner at the law firm of Bell Nunnally & Martin LLP), Bowers is shown astride the club's baby grand piano belting out a spirited rendition of his own original composition, "There Ain't But One 'B' in 'Ribbon'".

In a flourish of showmanship that evoked comparisons to Fred Astaire, Bowers then leaped off the piano and executed a perfect slide down the bannister into the dining room, landing on a table, scattering a floral arrangement, and coming to rest on Heather Huffman's lap, where he remained for 30 minutes while her concerned husband finished his dinner.

In addition to his covers of classic American standards, Bowers will perform a number of his original legal-themed compositions, including "Three Torts in The Fountain", "I Left My Briefs in San Francisco", "Call Me Irresponsible (and I'll Sue Your Ass)", and "That's No Paralegal-That's My Wife!". Opening for Bowers will be the Friedken Brothers, whose musical stylings can be seen in the following video.

Seating will be limited, so Ron recommends you get there early, try the veal, tip your waitresses, and drive home safely.

Coming Soon! In Theatres!!

Fresh off their recent undercover assignments in Hong Kong, The Hosel Rocket has learned that Gil Hollander and Tim Unverzagt have signed on with Paramount Pictures to star in the latest installment of the Rush Hour movie series, entitled Rush Hour 5: Enter The Blacksmith. Currently filming on location in Hong Kong, the two stars are shown here relaxing after a grueling day on the set.

Mr. Unverzagt (in the role formerly played by Chris Tucker) plays Duane Pipe, a three-time winner on the Nationwide Tour whose once promising career was derailed by an endless procession of liaisons with admiring female fans ("Hey, good looking. You think you like it behind those ropes, wait until I have you in those ropes..."). Banished from the Tour for bedding a tournament sponsor (Betty White; playing herself in a cameo role), he travels to Hong Kong for a much-needed vacation, whereupon he decides to take up residence and open a driving range that doubles as a brothel ("The Pipe Cleaner").

Cast in the role formerly played by Jackie Chan, Mr. Hollander plays Chin Tu Fat, a broken down, 50-something martial arts master who decides to take up golf after getting his ass kicked by a teenage girl in a Beijing judo tournament. With nothing more than his modest dreams and a battered set of clubs, Chin wanders into Mr. Pipe's establishment in search of golf instruction. Their partnership is sealed when Pipe agrees to teach Chin a golf swing in exchange for free karate lessons, which he deems necessary to defend his lovely employees from the incursions of a local pimp (played convincingly by Chris Allen).

After watching Chin spend several months banging balls (and the hired help), Pipe deems Chin's swing ready for the crucible of tournament competition. Facilitated by a well-timed bribe to the tournament sponsor, Chin secures a sponsor's exemption to the prestigious P.F. Chang’s Open at the Kowloon Golf and Mahjong Club.

Chin proceeds to enter "The Chang's" accompanied by Pipe, a gallery of his nubile employees, and a talking yak named Nelson, who serves as his caddie and motivational coach. After three-putting 36 greens and missing the cut by one stroke (“Damn these greens! They’re harder to read than Chinese arithmetic!!”), a sagging Chin turns to the services of a mysterious Asian blacksmith, Mi Yip (played by Tom Francis) in a desperate effort to cure his putting woes.

Purported to be the last known descendant of the legendary Ping Dynasty, Mi teaches Chin the skills passed along to him by his ancient ancestors - how to shoe horses, make wrought iron patio furniture, and master the delicate art of brushing a golf ball into a hole with nothing more than a flat stick.

Armed with a new stroke, and brimming with the confidence instilled in him by Master Yip (“When you can walk across the practice green and leave no trace, it is then that you will know you are ready, grasshopper”), Chin heads back to Hong Kong. With Nelson on his bag and Pipe's jiggling entourage in the gallery, he bests a world-class field to win the Pei Wei Classic by six shots, and along with it a rich endorsement deal from Ben-Wa Golf Balls.

Look for Rush Hour 5: Enter The Blacksmith in theatres this Labor Day!

Birds of A Feather

As you enjoy the flora and fauna that abound throughout our golf course, Joe Wisdorf has asked me to remind everyone that LCCC is home to one of the largest colonies of the North American Tufted Titmouse (aviaris pamelandersonus), better known to local bird aficionados as the Large Breasted Mattress Thrasher.

"These delicate creatures are at their most vulnerable during the summer months that coincide with their peak mating season," said Anita Mandalay, spokesperson for the Irving chapter of The National Audubon Society. "Thrashers can be aggressive if provoked, slighted or even slightly ignored, and are capable of inflicting serious financial damage in neighboring habitats such as Highland Park Village, The Dallas Galleria, and Park Place Motorcars."

LCCC is also home to the rare Silver Crested Range Bird (aviaris shanksalot), also known as Leadbetter's Wobbly Warbler. While seldom straying far from its native habitat (the driving range), Warblers scatter their distinctive, red-spotted eggs in a most indiscriminate manner, often in other birds' nests (as in the above photo from Hollander's Unofficial Field Guide to Birds), parking lots, tennis courts, ponds, yards, swimming pools and, on rare occasions, putting greens.

Please remember to use caution when encroaching on the native habitats of both of these fine feathered friends during your next round of golf. Thank you.

Dustin Who?

In a performance that evoked comparisons to Dustin Johnson's stunning collapse in the final round of this year's U.S. Open, Flight 1 co-leaders Matt Miller and Scott Wenning each fired matching 90's in the final round of the LCCC Club Championship, opening the door for Dave Schmertz (who carded a sizzling 77) to win the Flight by a comfortable five-stroke margin over John "The Bronze Bear" Ehlert.

Inspired by the performances of their playing partners, Tom Wagner (also a 1st round co-leader) and Jim Quirk (one shot back) responded with final round scores of 88 and 87, respectively, as all four fell out of the money. The combined score of 357 elicited gasps from the stunned crowd who had gathered around the score board in breathless anticipation of the 1st round leaders' return to the clubhouse.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS OUT THERE?! HEY, TEDDY, COME TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SCOREBOARD!!!", bellowed Ehlert, so jubilant in discovering he'd finished second that he announced he was buying beer for everyone, which he proceeded to dispense from a free keg of Bud Lime provided by the club. "I haven't seen a meltdown like this since those Russkies blew up Chernobyl in '86, and that was a popcorn fart compared to this performance! Holy cow!!"

Wenning was last seen sitting disconsolately in the shade next to the keg, where Ehlert held the beer dispenser to the corner of his mouth with one hand while massaging his shoulders with the other. Ever the sportsman, Wenning did his best to put a positive spin on the day's events during an interview with Roger Maltbie.

"Every part of my game went off the rails, but I'll be OK after this Budweiser IV," said Wenning. "I just got a call from Dustin Johnson on Kristi Martin's cell phone, telling me to cheer up and thanking me for taking his name out of the golf news for a while. I also want to congratulate Steven Holtgrieve as our new club champion, Dave Schmertz and all the other flight winners, and to the club staff, sponsors, and the good folks at NBC for running such a fine event."

To see the complete list of results and flight winners, click here.

Over The Hills (& Far Away) - Hong Kong

On the heels of their disappointing performances in the 2010 La Buena Bola member-guest tournament, Gil Hollander and Tim Unverzagt recently fled the U.S. for Hong Kong, abandoning once-promising careers in the jewelry industry in exchange for lucrative positions as foreign correspondents for The Hosel Rocket.

In their first assignment (pictured above) the daring duo impersonated a pair of famous Chinese acrobats, Chin Tu Fat & Wai Yu Kum Nao, going undercover to help bring down a notorious local prostitution ring.

"Not only did we bust some bad guys, but we got to keep these killer pajamas, and I got to make some new friends," said Mr. Unverzagt. "While they were very appreciative to have been granted their freedom, communication has been somewhat of a challenge. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t understand Cantonese, or the fact that I’m talking to the top of their head. For example, Gil ordered a certain type of spa treatment, but ended up getting a 'blue job' which apparently is a pedicure with Tidy-Bowl. Go figure, it's a crazy country."

Your TXDOT Dollars at Work

The Pyramids. Machu Picchu. The Eiffel Tower. The Rangers Bullpen. The Taj Mahal. The Golden Gate Bridge. LCCC #5.

Yes, thanks to the good folks at TXDOT, our #5 tee box will soon join the pantheon of the greatest construction projects in the history of civilization. While we stand in awe of the Pyramids and marvel at the grandeur of Machu Picchu, the ancient Egyptians and Incas could not have created a wonder such as the #5 Tee Box due to the challenges associated with more modern day construction projects.

Overcoming these challenges are the brave laborers from TXDOT, who in the face of perilous working conditions (i.e., errant tee shots on #4; "roach coach" cuisine; malodorous port-a-johns roasting in the sun) apply cutting-edge construction methods to shape earth and water into our new tee box.

Work is now underway on the brick retaining wall that will surround the new tee box, with boat loads of bricks coming up through the Mandalay Canal each day. These efforts can be seen in the attached video, which Joe Wisdorf captured with a hidden video camera housed in a small bird house behind the 4th green. As you can see, it's dangerous work, indeed.

Have You Been Driven to Ford Lately?

At the conclusion of last Saturday night's La Buena Bola Member-Guest award banquet, LCCC head golf professional Robert Singletary announced that Dave McCallum won the most coveted door prize of the evening, an all-expenses paid trip to the The Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, CA.

As he departed the premises for DFW in a golf cart confiscated by his Bola partner, Tom Warren, McCallum took a nip from a bottle of single malt and tried to put his trip to Betty Ford in perspective. "After four days of consuming nothing but distilled spirits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, it does a body good to dry out a wee bit", said the diminutive Scot. "Like every glass, I'm choosing to look at this one as half-full. There are several great ClubCorp courses in the area, and you can bet I'll be packing my sticks."

In an unrelated development, The Hosel Rocket has learned that fellow LCCC member Tom Francis has checked himself into the Gerald Ford Clinic. A companion facility located in Rancho Mirage, the GFC was established in honor of the late 38th President of The United States, whose erratic play on the golf course was legendary. As found on the Clinic web site, the GFC "strives to provide a safe, nurturing environment for avid golfers whose love for the game is unquestioned, but whose lack of skill poses a danger to themselves, as well as their playing partners, family, spectators, and wallets."

At $10,000/day, the GFC is one of the most expensive facilities of its kind (second only to the David Leadbetter Academy). However, Tom's loyal Bola partner, Layne Burtz, deemed it money well-spent. "If I ever have to stand next to Tom again while he lines up a two-foot putt, I might give up the game. It's a lot of money, but at this point I thought it was time for an intervention."

Though it will be several weeks before Tom can receive visitors, he reported via email that he's making excellent progress. "I'm staying in the Yip Wing, which is better than it sounds. It means I get three extra hours of putting practice each day. My doctor, Joel Edwards, made two minor changes to my posture and grip, and I've been making everything! Next week, he says we're going to get rid of the laundry basket and start putting into a real cup!!"

Dr. Tim, Medicine Man

SOUTHLAKE, TX - Every year, thousands of women are forced to give up golf due to a debilitating illness known as Golf Blindness (yabbos gigantum). Unlike those afflicted with Night or Color Blindness, those afflicted with this disease eventually lose the ability to see their golf ball at address, thus prompting them to quit the game.

"These women aren't freaks, they're people, and they need to know that there's more to life than just golf," reports Dr. Tim Unverzagt, founder of the Southlake Center for Golf Blindness (SCGB). "It's one thing to be totally unable to putt, say like Tom Francis, but at least he can see the ball. These poor women can't, and it's not their fault. They need someone to take their hand, pour them a glass of wine, massage their...um... shoulders, and tell them that everything will be alright. My methods have been tested on thousands of patients, and are guaranteed to make women feel better about living with Golf Blindness in as little as 10 minutes."

Known in local circles as "Dr. Funbags", Unverzagt cited doctor-patient privilege in not revealing additional details on his treatment methods. However, he has established a toll free hot line (1-800-TIM-CANS) that can be given to any woman who appears at the early onset of the disease. A brief video is attached that will help you identify those needing help.

Black Gold...Texas Tee

DALLAS, TX (AP) - As BP works to stem an environmental disaster of historic proportions in the Gulf of Mexico, one man stands ready to capitalize on decades of work.

"When I heard about this 'Top Kill' concept, I knew it was only a matter of time before my phone would start to ring", said Bob Dray, a Dallas entrepreneur. "If these guys needed to jam that broken well-head with golf balls, they were going to need a lot of them. Who else were they going to call?"

A member of Las Colinas Country Club, Dray estimates he's collected nearly 3,000,000 golf balls from the ponds that dot the pristine Irving layout, a collection he keeps in his garage sorted by year, brand, and compression. "Pro-V1's, Top-Flites, Club Specials, Flying Ladys, you name it, I've got 'em all", said Dray. "In fact, half of the garage is filled just with balls that have a peculiar marking, a round red spot about the size of a dime. It would seem illogical that all these could have come from one player, but I can come up with no other explanation. Kind of like those crop circles you see on TV."

According to BP spokesman Joe Dipschit, the company has purchased Dray's entire collection for the Top Kill effort, in a desperate attempt to stem the oil that continues to gush into the Gulf. "He drove a hard bargain. We thought $3.25/ball was a little steep, but we agreed to meet his price when he threw in 3,000 blueberry muffins that he had stored in his freezer. He wouldn't tell us where they all came from, but we figured we could use them to feed the guys working on the boat."

Everyone Into The Pool!

The arrival of Memorial Day weekend marks the opening of the LCCC pool for the summer, with Friday night's "Brew & Boil" (Beer & boiled crawfish) the first such social event of the season. Call 972.541.1141 for reservations.

Whether you're a frequent visitor to the pool or dip your toes in its refreshing waters only on occasion, there are some basic tenets of pool etiquette that all members are expected to observe, especially when answering the inevitable call of nature. Please watch the following video for more information.

Why Don't We Do It in The Road?

With apologies to The Beatles, this is just a friendly reminder that the highways and surface streets beyond the boundaries of the course (Highway 114, O'Connor Road, etc.) are considered out of bounds. In such cases, a player should replay the shot, taking penalties for stroke and distance.

For an example of how not to play a shot that leaves the reservation, consult the picture above, where Nelson Henry plays his second shot from what he thought was a waste bunker at Hilton Head National. Only when an oncoming Honda Civic interrupted his backswing did he discover the error of his ways, but he still got up and down from the median after flipping off the driver.

Down in Flames - LCCC Drops Fifth Straight in TGA

In a display that continues to evoke comparisons to the Hindenburg disaster, the squad from LCCC dropped its fifth straight match in the 2010 TGA League Play season, losing to the hosts from Royal Oaks by the narrowest of margins, 18 1/2 to 17 1/2 points.

When asked for comments on the effort put forth by his squad in their latest losing effort, LCCC interim coach Ron Washington offered the following: "I can tell you one thing - there's going to be some serious house cleaning around here before next season. I didn't sign on to be no captain of no Hindenburg, whatever that is. Oh, and another thing, those Kobe Beef Sliders served at Royal Oaks are off the hook."

The final match of the season is set for tomorrow, when the team hosts Ridglea.

Proposed Format Change

By proclamation of a straw poll of the members assembled near the putting green yesterday afternoon, the following modification to our weekly games of chance has been proposed to level the playing field when we end up with odd numbers.

Scenario: The Straggler
Common Aliases: Stragglepuss; The Boston Straggler; Bob Dray.
Example: A last-minute addition creates four (4) foursomes; one (1) fivesome.
Current Methodology:
- Number all cards 1-21.
- Draw player at random to complete each fivesome.
- Take 4 out of 5 net plus all 5 net on hole 9 & 18 to determine front/back/overall.
Proposed Methodology:
- The foursomes play 3 out of 4 net, plus all 4 on holes 9 & 18.
- The fivesome randomly numbers its players from 1-5.
- A player from one of the other groups picks a number from 1-5.
- The scores for the player selected are dropped from the game, creating a foursome.
- Each group tallies their cards using 3 out of 4 net plus all 4 on holes 9 & 18 to determine front/back/overall.

Barring any objections from a large cross-section of the group, I recommend that we install same beginning next weekend. Thanks.

Tiger Shoots 120.."Ingen Orsak!", Says Elin

As first reported in today's NY Daily News, Tiger Woods has admitted to romantic conquests with more than 120 women. In an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Elin Woods expressed outrage that one of her neighbors was left off his list.

"120 women over the course of our marriage? What's that piece of sh*t bragging about that for?" said the soon to be ex-Mrs. Woods. "Our neighbor, Tim Unverzagt, goes through that many women in a month. Why, here's a picture of him taken with my sister, Helga, at last weekend's Isleworth Homeowners Luau & Herring Festival. Did you know that he has four hands?! He's absolutely skitsnygg! It was his third date of the evening...er, wait a minute, maybe it was the fourth..."

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When Nature Calls...Will You Be Ready?

As the newly remodeled restrooms adjacent to #6 and #14 green near completion, golf members will again be able to answer the call of nature in comfort and convenience. Though the port-a-johns were a well-intended option during construction, many unsuspecting women opted for the less aromatic "al fresco" option, which had tragic consequences in reducing the number of our female golf members.

LCCC Drops Third Straight in TGA. Ron Washington Accepts Role as Interim Coach

LCCC proved to be a veritable ground zero yesterday, as the home team lost its third straight match in 2010 TGA League Play to the visitors from Mira Vista, 24 1/2 to 11 1/2. Coach Wenning detonated a spectacular triple-bogey on the last hole, with the ensuing mushroom cloud visible from as far away as Lampasas.

In an effort to halt the team's horrific skid, LCCC management announced that they've retained Texas Rangers skipper Ron Washington as interim coach of the team, with Washington scheduled to take the reins for next Thursday's match at Royal Oaks CC. "I know a thing or two about losing streaks, and this team has fallen faster than a greased manhole cover," said Coach Wash. "Sometimes, you just need to shake things up, and that's exactly what I intend to do, starting with that whippersnapper, Byron Barlow.

Who Let Those Dogs Out?! Team Texas Wins 2010 Dixie Cup

The boys from Team Texas (Chris Allen, Tom Francis, Nelson Henry, Gil Hollander, Les Lewis, Matt Miller, Tim Unverzagt, and Scott Wenning) took care of business on Saturday, securing a sufficient number of points in the final Singles matches to win the 2010 Dixie Cup over Team Georgia at Hilton Head Island, SC.

The weather was superb, as were most of the tracks we played, and we managed to pump a considerable amount of money into the local economy (much of which was won from our opponents on Team Georgia) without anyone on the squad being arrested (though the above picture resulted in Chris being brought in for questioning by the local chapter of the SPCA).

TEAM TEXAS ON FIRE - LEAD DIXIE CUP 11-5 AFTER DAY 2

The battle resumed today at Golden Bear Golf Club at Indigo Run. Inspired by Captain Wenning's vow that he would set himself on fire for a strong showing on Day 2, Team Texas split the morning's Four-Ball Matches 2-2, before sweeping the afternoon's Alternate Shot matches, 4-0.

Heading into tomorrow's final round, the team holds a commanding 11-5 lead over Team Georgia, and needs only 3.5 points to win the tournament. A strict 9:00 PM curfew has been enforced for the evening, with Tom Francis personally taking responsibility for making bed checks on each member of the team.

Dixie Cup Results: Day 1

Team Texas came out of the gate strong in yesterday's 2010 Dixie Cup, taking five out of eight possible points (and a nice alligator) in the first day of the tournament at Country Club of Hilton Head.

Today's second round shifts to Golden Bear Golf Club at Indigo Run with eight more points at stake in the morning and afternoon rounds.

Over The Hills (& Far Away) - San Juan, Puerto Rico

Greetings from sunny San Juan and the El Conquistador Resort, where the Atlantic meets the Caribbean, and where Hernando met Sally.

Spent yesterday on the beach at Palomino (Spanish for "give me your room number, senor, and I'll give you 5 Presidente beers for $25") Island, with Mrs. Rocket and I glowing like two Maraschino cherries as a consequence of the intense tropical sun. I'm told that more Presidente acts as an excellent medicinal treatment for sunburn, with my first treatments scheduled for around 9:30 AM this morning by the pool.

Hope all is well back home - hit 'em straight today.

LCCC SOL in TGA - Shula Breathes Sigh of Relief

The team's quest for an undefeated season in 2010 TGA League Play died in convincing fashion today at Ridglea CC in Fort Worth, where the hosts administed a 30.5 - 5.5 Foot-Joy enema to the squad from LCCC in TGA Match #5.

Reached at his home in Key Biscayne, former Miami Dolphins head coach Don Shula acknowledged satisfaction that his undefeated season with the 1972 Dolphins had withstood yet another challenge. "The boys from LCCC had a nice run, but it seemed that they looked past the match itself and focused too much on the free beer that awaited them in the 19th hole", opined Coach Shula. "Like I always said, if you're going to lose, at least lose while playing to your strengths, and these lads clearly did just that".

At 4-1, LCCC still holds down 1st place in the DFW "A" Conference of the 2010 TGA League Play Series, with our next match set for this Thursday, April 15 at Bent Tree CC in Addison.

Yes, We Have No Bananas

As the weather continues to warm here in North Texas, the trees are starting to bloom all over the golf course. The first spring bananas have started to appear in the trees adjacent to the #10 tee box, and banana boats can now be seen plying the waters of the Trinity River basin and Mandalay Canal, another sure sign of spring.

However tempting these yellow beauties may appear, please use caution when venturing into the trees for a banana, as you may experience stiff competition (so to speak) from some of the indigenous species that reside on the course and for whom bananas are a staple in their diet. The attached video depicts one such encounter.

McCallum Pulls Groin; LCCC Pulls Out Victory in TGA League Play Match #4

Despite a game time scratch by Dave "Chief Little Groin" McCallum, the home prevailed once again in today's fourth match of the 2010 TGA League Play competition, defeating the visitors from Dallas Athletic Club by a final score of 24 1/2 to 11 1/2.

Kudos to the teams of Welch/Wenning, Hessong/Haas, Robles/Borek, and Allen/Barlow for their sterling play in running LCCC's record to 4-0, keeping the team in 1st place in the DFW "A" bracket of TGA League Play. Thanks to Eric for a great job hosting the competition.

Our next match will be on Thursday, April 8 at Ridglea in Fort Worth. Please contact me if you're interested in playing.