T'was The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when throughout Las Colinas,
Not a member was stirring, not even Tim’s elbow;
The golf bags were hung in the bag room below,
While the Card Room was empty, 'cept for Blew and Cipriano.

The golfers were nestled all snug in their beds,
As visions of birdies danced in their heads;
While Victoria in her nightgown, and Todd in his shorts,
Had just settled down off #12, for some indoor winter sports.

When out on the course, there arose such a clatter,
Toddie sprang from his bed, to see what was the matter;
Away to the window, he flew like Bob Dray,
Tore open the shutters (nearly took him all day!).

The moon on the breast of the now dormant sod,
Gave off a lustre like Dave Schmertz's head when he nods,
When what to Toddie's wondering eyes should appear,
But a speeding golf cart, chasing seven guys from the rear,

With a little old driver, clutching a clipboard was he,
Todd knew in a moment, t’was our own Billy D!
More rapid than turtles, his golfers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, Borek! Now, Ehlert! Now, Hardy and Miller!
On, Hollander! On Lewis! On Jackson ("The Thriller")!
Get onto the tee box! It's your five-minute call!
Now dash away! Dash away! Hit the damn ball!!

Like salmon to Capistrano, which instinctively flock,
In the face of such urging, they quickened their walk;
So up to the tee box, the golfers they flew;
With their bags full of clubs, chased by Billy D., too!

And then, in a twinkling, Todd saw out on the lawn,
A sleepwalking man, brandishing a wand!
After rubbing his eyes, not a word could he utter;
As there stood Tom Francis – with a long belly putter!

Wearing an old pair of boxers, barely covering his ass,
Onto the 12th green he wobbled, shorts covered with grass;
A bundle of putters, he had slung on his back,
Like a half-naked peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes were half open, as he munched on some Triscuits,
His physique? Dare I say? Like a can of busted biscuits!
His droll little mouth was gleaming with drool,
As he dropped a ball on the green, finally selecting his tool.

The stump of a tee he held tight in his jaws,
As he stood over the ball, putter clenched in his paws;
His head was quite broad, with a bright silver mane,
That shook when he putted (like Hepburn’s in a hurricane!)

He missed a two-footer, the right jolly old hacker,
And laughed right aloud, lining up a four-foot comebacker;
With a twitch of his hands, the putt he let fly,
Then he uttered a curse, as the ball rolled twelve inches by!

Letting out a loud sigh, he went straight to his ball,
And rolled it once more, finally watching it fall.
Then laying a finger aside of his blade,
To his golf cart he strode, the putt having finally been made.

Tossing his clubs in the cart, his practice now completed,
He then tore down O'Connor, feeling not the least bit defeated;
But he was heard to exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Son of a bitch! That putt breaks to the right!!"

To my friends at LCCC, best wishes to all for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in 2014.
- The Editor

2013 Mi-Tee Cup Preview

"Kiss my ass, Wenning!"

Welcome to the 2013 Mi-Tee Cup!

Generally considered as golf's "Fifth Major", the Mi-Tee Cup honors the service of our good friends in the 19th Hole, Mike and Tee, and has consistently delivered more drama than a gaggle of teenage girls during prom week. Where else can you see Tom Francis actually putt a five-footer, Todd Wilson ride a Vespa through the 19th hole clad only in a red thong, or Chris Allen inexplicably switch hats at a crucial stage in the final round?

The 11th annual Mi-Tee Cup Challenge promises to be every bit as memorable as in the 10 prior years, with defending champions Team USA looking for the three-peat over the once mighty red-ass army of Team Texas.  While the weekend is expected to present some inclement weather conditions, all combatants are expected to soldier merrily along in pursuit of the Cup, armed with an ample supply of foul weather gear and, for medicinal purposes, a few "goo ones" from Mr. Tee.

For our readers' enjoyment, The Hosel Rocket has reprinted tournament summaries of the last three Mi-Tee Cups which appear below, with many of these story lines to be retold, rehashed, and/or embellished at Friday night's draft party (beginning at 6:30 PM) in the Main Dining Room.

For those unaccustomed to playing in less than ideal conditions, please click here for a helpful instructional video.  See you on Friday night, and may the best team win!

Fit To Be Tied: 2012 Mi-Tee Cup Wrap-Up

Draft night hijinks, unbridled competition, the first ever finger condom, and a back nine meltdown that rendered the Hindenburg disaster a mere popcorn fart by comparison. All this and more made the 10th annual Mi-Tee Cup Challenge one of the most memorable in memory, as a 24-24 tie allowed The Blue Menace (aka, Team USA) to retain the Cup as defending 2011 champions.

"Get me Deion. Or Withrow."

The fun began on Friday night where the brain trusts of the each team (Dave Schmertz and Cipriano Robles for Team USA; Bill Douglass, Jerry Haas, and Scott Wenning for Team Texas) went about their business with the same ruthless efficiency as Jerry Jones goes about his on draft day (only in this case, with some knowledge on how to draft talent).

After winning the coin flip, Captains Schmertz & Robles made their first selection, from which the player draft unfolded at a breakneck pace. As each player called marched somberly to the dais to receive their coveted blue or red hat, the gamesmanship began in earnest, with Team Texas making perhaps the boldest pick of all in drafting up to take the consensus All Irrelevant, Chris Allen, in the middle of the draft.

"What the f*ck?!", 48 voices exclaimed in unison.

Allen, resplendent in a mink scrotum sportcoat and serving in his customary role as politically incorrect Mi-tee Cup draft emcee, strutted to the podium with his 14 handicap in tow, cackling with delight as he plucked his red Team Texas lid off the table, discretely flipping the bird to the Team USA captains as he walked by. When James Cassels was selected as the last player in the draft, wresting the title of Mr. Irrelevant from Allen, not a soul in the room had any idea of the serendipitous turn of events that awaited these two combatants on Sunday afternoon.

In Saturday morning's Best Ball matches, the Red Hats prevailed by a score of 6 1/2 to 5 1/2, with the Blue Hats turning the tables in the afternoon Alternate Shot matches by an equivalent score, allowing both teams to finish Day 1 of the tournament tied at 12 points apiece. So fierce was the competition, that Byron "Long Ball" Barlow and Randy "Mr. Magoo" Levy were still seen clinging to the pant legs of Charles Hardy and Wenning in the 19th Hole a full hour after defeating them 1 Up.

The Stohr Finger Condom. Patent pending.

On Sunday, the two sides paired off in 24 Singles matches to decide the tournament. As with the prior day's action, the matches featured some incredible competition and momentum swings. Jim Quirk, in an epic display of sportsmanship, graciously spotted Mike George an eight-hole lead before battling back to come up just short, while Rick "Nine Finger" Stohr, turned in a heroic performance just days removed from a serious stemware mishap to defeat Jim Mason, earning another critical point for Team Texas. 

"IF ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES NEED ME,
I'LL BE IN THE CARD ROOM..."

As the combatants gathered around the scoreboard, watching the last of the matches come down to the wire, it was clear that the final match of the tournament would decide the Mi-Tee Cup, in which Chris Allen held a four-up with five holes to go lead over James Cassels. It was shortly thereafter that a huge fireball was seen over the course, confirming that Allen had inexplicably gone down in flames, bested by Cassels (no longer Irrelevant) in each of the last five holes, allowing Allen to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in a manner that would make Tony Romo proud.

At first, it was as if a concussion grenade had rendered them all unable to move or speak. The Blue Hat team stood dumbstruck at the scoreboard, not comprehending what had just occurred in the final match. Then, realizing that Cassels' heroic comeback would earn them a tie in the tournament and allow them to retain the Cup, 24 blue caps were thrown up into the air in celebration, as pandemonium broke out among the boys in blue. Bob Dray was so excited, he bought a new golf shirt. Blew Gardner fired up some Run DMC on his iPod and began breakancing on top of his golf cart. Nick Martin broke out his hairbrush, while Tom Francis was so excited that he kissed Gil Hollander full on the lips. A stunning turn of events.

Letting the Blue Hats enjoy their moment, and gracious in defeat, the Red Hats offered congratulations to their opponents, while everyone repaired to the 19th Hole for post-tournament libations and the presentation of the purse to the tournament honorees, Mike and Tee, bringing the 2012 Mi-Tee Cup to a close.

Congratulations to the members of Team USA - Dave Schmertz, Cipriano Robles, Diron French, Mike George, David Hoover, Randy Levy, Byron Barlow, Frank Carter, James McCaffrey, Mike Shearburn, Mark Najarian, Chris Weinzirl, Bob Dray, Nick Martin, James Cassels, Rodney Isom, Bob Blakely, Todd Wilson, Brandon Annett, Blewett Gardner, Gil Hollander, Jim Mason, and Robert Singletary. 

See you again next year.

Blue Heaven: Mi-Tee Cup 2011 Wrap-Up

In a spirited competition that went down to the very last Singles matches on Sunday afternoon, Team USA prevailed in the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup Challenge by a score of 26 1/2 to 21 1/2, and in doing so denied four-time defending champions Team Texas the chance to earn the coveted "five-peat".

Like many wagers, the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup was won before the competition began, in this case during the Friday night draft party. Having assembled a team of draft experts that included co-captain Cipriano Robles, vaunted NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper, former Blue Hat captain and LCCC alum Sean Charnock, and Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington, Team USA Captain Dave Schmertz employed a shock and awe strategy to plunder the ranks of Red Hat alumni, putting Team Texas captains Scott Wenning and Jerry Haas back on their heels (asses) as the draft unfolded at a dizzying pace.


"That's the way Mi-Tee Cup go."

When James Cassels was selected as the last player on the board (inheriting the title of "Mr. Irrelevant" previously held by a mysteriously absent Harry Starkweather), the team captains headed to their respective war rooms, brain trusts in tow and cocktails in hand to set the pairings for Saturday's two-man Best Ball and Alternate Shot matches.

Saturday dawned clear and windy, and inspired by Tim Unverzagt's sporty blue Fruit of The Loom plaid boxers, Team USA ran out to an early 8-4 lead in the Best Ball matches, only to see their lead virtually evaporate when Team USA won the afternoon's Alternate Shot matches by a score of 6.5 -3.5, highlighted by Lance Addison's eagle from 75 yards on #18 that stole a point for Team Texas. With but a single shot separating the teams, the 48 combatants repaired to the comfort of the 19th Hole, where cold beer and high drama awaited the selection of Sunday's Singles pairings.

Employing a player selection strategy culled from Sun Tzu's classic text, "The Art of War", Captain Schmertz brilliantly divided his forces in a manner designed to wreak maximum confusion on his opponents. Breaking ranks from Mi-Tee Cup tradition, Schmertz elected not to match LCCC head golf professional Robert Singletary against his upstart assistant, Eric Hunt, and instead announced that Diron "8-a-Side" French would take the erstwhile young pro. Left with no other option, Captain Wenning could only throw Mike "Button" Bowers out as the sacrificial lamb against Singletary, with the balance of the pairings then set for Sunday's 24-match Singles finale that would decide the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup.

The respective teams hit the course on Sunday morning, with Team Texas desperate to close the single-point deficit and retain the Cup, while Team USA was equally determined to pull away. Over the course of the next four hours the 24 matches were waged, some closing out in relatively short order while others went down to the wire. A cavalcade of golf carts followed the remaining groups, with Dave McCallum and Dan Costello dispensing drams of Scotch to the gallery courtesy of our good friend, Bill Douglass, whose recent surgery kept him out of the Mi-Tee Cup festivities this year.

Winner: 2011 Golden Fleece Award
Eric Hunt

When the final putt had been conceded and the last match of the day had come to a close, Team USA had successfully wrested the 2011 Mi-Tee Cup away from Team Texas, winning by the combined score of 26.5 - 21.5.  As 24 blue caps were simultaneously flung into the air in jubilation, Bob Blakely was seen dancing a foxtrot by the scoreboard, kissing Byron Barlow on both cheeks as Diron French consoled his vanquised opponent.

The two teams then repaired once again to the 19th Hole, where Captains Schmertz and Wenning presented tokens of the group's appreciation to the tournament namesakes, Mike and Tee, while everyone enjoyed a few post-round libations. All in all, it was unanimously agreed that after it's 9th year of competition, the Mi-tee Cup Challenge is the most competitive and enjoyable event of any on the LCCC golf calendar.

Congratulations go out once again to the victorious members of Team USA: James McCaffrey, Jim Quirk, James Cassels, Chris Weinzirl, Dave Schmertz, Tony Howard, Bob Blakely, Cipriano Robles, Matt Miller, Bob Armstrong, Gil Hollander, Rodney Isom, Tom francis, Tim Unverzagt, Terry Freeman, Jeff Wells, Blewett Gardner, Diron French, Frank Carter, and Robert Singletary.

See you all again next year.

Blue (Hat) Heaven

After having been trounced by the Red Hats (Team Texas) in the last two Mi-Tee Cup Challenge tournaments, 2010 Blue Hat (Team USA) captain Dave Schmertz is demonstrating that he will go to any lengths possible to bring an end to the reign of The Big Red Machine.

First, in one of the most audacious displays of bravado seen since Todd Wilson rode his Vespa through the dining room at the Carpenter Cup dinner wearing nothing but a red cashmere thong, Schmertz announced that he's commissioned a trophy to be awarded to the winning team of each year's Mi-Tee Cup, which Ted Borek promptly accepted on behalf of Team USA as the presumptive 2010 tournament champions.

"I predict we're going to win this thing in a landslide", said Borek. "Why should we wait until the tournament is over to accept the trophy?  Plus, I already have it on a shelf in my rumpus room"

Second, on the eve of the November 19th player draft, an investigative reporter from The Hosel Rocket discovered that Schmertz has been running a secret "Blue Hat Bootcamp" for returning members of Team USA, in a desperate effort to gain an advantage on the Big Red juggernaut. A security camera affixed to the roof of the LCCC maintenance barn recorded the attached footage, where Captain Schmertz and his trusty jeep driver, Bob Gats, can be seen leading their charges through some light calisthenics after a team meeting in the 19th Hole.

Let the games begin!

The Cup Runneth Over (and Away)

In a stunning postscript to the 2010 Mi-Tee Cup Challenge, The Hosel Rocket  has learned that the recently commissioned Mi-Tee Cup Challenge trophy was stolen from the Irving home of Ted Borek, the mild and unassuming linchpin of the 2010 Team Texas champions. As reported by Brian Williams on last night's edition of NBC Nightly News, the thief turned out to be none other than Sheik Mamad bin Khalifa Al-Thani, the Emir of Qatar.

"Do you believe this (expletive)?", bellowed Borek. "The guy knocks on my door, and said he was in the neighborhood selling time shares in Qatar. I said, 'no thanks, your holiness', my wife an I already own a place down the street in Hyannis. He seemed confused, then asked me if he could use my john. When I took one look at his choppers, I assumed he needed to floss, so I left him alone to do his business."

It was not until later that day did Borek notice an empty space on his book shelf where the gold Mi-Tee Cup trophy rested only minutes before.

"The stones on this guy!  He comes back to the foyer with a rolled up copy of Golf Digest under his arm, you know the issue with the picture of Tom Francis on the cover. The magazine looked a little large, but since it contained a list of Tom's putting tips, I didn't give it a second thought. Next thing I know, I'm down in my rumpus room watching a Ti-Vo of Barney Frank's most recent appearance on C-SPAN, and I see that the (expletive) thing's missing!  I called the D/FW Airport Police, but they said it was too late, and that this scumbag had already left the country."

When contacted by The Hosel Rocket, a spokesman for the Emir offered the following comment: "La Emir takrahu Schmertz shaian Blue Hat laallahoo red ass khairan temporariusgreen lak da tropy comeback FedEx kissmiass," which loosely translated means "maybe that infidel Schmertz will pick me in the draft next year, and I will return the trophy, so you can all kiss my ass."

As this story went to press, Mayor Herbert Gears said the city has no plans of trying to extradite the Emir back to Irving to stand trial for the theft.

Lights. Camera. Action!

Citing a recent ClubCorp mandate to develop new sources of revenues in advance of the company's forthcoming IPO, LCCC General Manager Ron Woolard announced that the front nine of the golf course will be closed until further notice.

 

In an exclusive off-camera interview with The Hosel Rocket, Woolard confided that he had recently signed a lucrative deal with 20th Century Fox, which will be renting the front nine to film a remake of the classic 1954 motion picture, Creature From The Black Lagoon.

 

 

"Look, my plan for reinventing Las Colinas was never intended to be just about the members. It's the ability to create special moments for our investor partners, too, and what could be more special than money?", said Woolard.  "When Steven Spielberg called to present the idea and offered $75/day to rent the front nine, how could I refuse?  Plus, anyone who wants to play 18 holes can just play the back nine twice. Now, that's what I call a win/win!!"

"IT'S ALIVE!  IT'S ALIVE!!" 

After first retaining Bob Dray as technical advisor for the film ("The guy knows the bottom of that pond like the back of his hand...", marveled Spielberg), auditions began last Saturday afternoon on the murky banks adjacent to the #8 green.

 

In a stunning turn of events, LCCC member Tim Wilson was selected for the starring role in the film after turning in a tour de force screen test ("Daniel Day Lewis has nothing on this guy," said executive producer, Clint Eastwood), with recently elected LCCC Board of Governors president Liza Slosson cast in a supporting role as the Creature's beguiling love interest ("Beautiful....yet terrifying in her own way", gasped Spielberg).

 

With production scheduled to wrap-up by April 2014, the film is scheduled to be in theatres next summer.

Make Mine a Double!

As triple-digit temperatures have arrived in the Metroplex, it's more important than ever to stay hydrated on the course. However, as beverage cart sightings have become as rare these days as the sight of Bob Dray buying a new golf shirt, one LCCC member has decided to take matters into his own hands, while at the same time providing an important service to our local community.

"Every time I'd drive down Northwest Highway, I'd see all these broken down strippers wandering around with nothing to do,and it really made me sad," said Irving resident, Tim Unverzagt.  "I thought to myself, if Chris Allen can start that foundation for those under-privileged kids, maybe I could do something to get these women off their backs...I mean, streets, while also helping to get refreshments out to me and the guys before we die in this heat."

Teaming with local inventor and fellow LCCC member, Mike Jackson, Unverzagt took a size 38-DDD brassiere that he found on his bedroom celing fan, a roll of duct tape, some old Christmas lights, and a pair of goldfish bowls to create the Jackson-Unverzagt Gatorade System (JUGS). After some simple design modifications to reduce chafing, the JUGS successfully cleared field trials last week at the Death Valley CC Member-Guest, and will make its debut at LCCC on Saturday, September 5th.

"We'll have 322 women at the club beginning on July 4th, each of whom will be wearing custom-fitted sets of JUGS filled with ice-cold Gatorade," said Unverzagt. "Bill Douglass has resigned as LCCC golf concierge in order to serve as our new JUGSmaster, where it will be his sworn duty to personally check the flanges, fittings, and flux capacitors on each set of JUGS before escorting these young ladies to their assigned holes."

While neither entrepreneur chose to disclose pricing for the new on-course beverage service, The Hosel Rocket has learned that a 501 (c-3), The La Vida Loca Foundation, was recently established by Jackson and Unverzagt to manage all proceeds associated with this new community service endeavor.

"How much does it cost? Who the hell cares?!", chortled Unverzagt. "In this heat, you'd pay just about anything for a cold drink. Now, any time you're thirsty, there's no need to wait hours for that beverage cart - all you've got to do is whistle, and before you know it, you'll have a fresh pair of JUGS in your mouth. Plus, ONE members receive complimentary admission to our Happy Ending Club, previously known as the rest rooms adjacent to #5 and #12."

When Irish Guys Are Smiling

There was widespread disappointment across LCCC when the club cancelled last Saturday's annual St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl, particularly from our many members of Irish descent who view the importance of celebrating St. Patty's as no less important than their need to periodically ingest oxygen.

Grand Marshalls - 2013 Greenville
Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade

While the communication from club management cited low member registration as the reason for cancelling the Crawl, The Hosel Rocket has uncovered the real story, obtained in a series of exclusive interviews with Tom Francis, Bill Crowley, and a member of the LCCC golf maintenance staff, Jose Canjoosee.

Per the schedule published by the club, the Pub Crawl was scheduled to commence in the golf maintenance shed adjacent to the #10 green, from where participants would walk (stagger) to a series of keg stations located at the Tennis Center, the Tom Thumb supermarket on MacArthur, Mike Jackson's home in The Lakes of Las Colinas, and finally back to the Golf Shop. Cold kegs of beeer had been staged at each location in preparation for the arrival of 194 thirsty LCCC members, all of whom were ready to get their Irish on.

According to Mr. Canjoosee, the unraveling of the Pub Crawl began approximately one hour before the 6:00 PM start time, when Tom Francis and Bill Crowley arrived at the golf maintenance shed for an impromptu "pre-party", along with a few inebriated Irish friends they'd met at the Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade earlier that day. It's here where our story begins.

"As you know, Bill and I were named Grand Marshalls for this year's parade," said Francis. "We'd just arrived at the end of the parade route, and decided to stop into The Dubliner to give out the rest of our beads, sign some autographs, and enjoy a couple of pints. Before we could order our beers, this group of crazy guys approached our table, dressed up like leprechauns and drunk off their asses. One of them pinched Bill's cheeks, then complimented me on my snazzy St. Patty's day shorts. They said they were all friends of David Feherty, and had just flown in from Ireland. I said, 'well, in that case, pull up a chair!'"

"Which way to LCCC?"

Upon being asked by Crowley what brought them to America, one of the lads, Miles O'Toole, replied " a f*cking airplane - what else!?", at which point all the Irishmen fell out of their chairs, convulsing in gales of laughter on the bar room floor. Pausing only briefly to light a fart (which set an adjacent tablecloth on fire) and order another beer (some of which he used to douse the flames), O'Toole explained that he and his friends had come to Dallas on holiday, and were hoping to play some golf.

Imbued with several gallons of Guinness and the St. Patrick's Day spirit, and eager to show the visiting lads from Ireland a good time, Francis blurted out "Fantastic! You can play at our club! We even have a Pub Crawl scheduled for tonight, too! You can meet some of the guys, and we'll book a tee time for tomorrow. Let's take my car!!"

After strapping Crowley to the roof of the car to accommodate the rest of the group seated inside, Francis tore down Lower Greenville and made straight for LCCC. It was shortly thereafter that Canjoosee, who was purposefully raking a bunker on #10, heard the sound of squealing tires, and turned just in time to see Francis' SUV barrelling around the corner of the Golf Shop on two wheels, from where it sped past the Douglass Clock, narrowly missed the gazebo by the #1 tee, and went careening down the middle of #10 toward the maintenance shed, where the pre-party for the Pub Crawl was about to commence.

"I jumped into my Cooshman and drove back to the shed, muy rapido," said Canjoosee, who stopped briefly along the way to pick up two of Mr. Francis' hubcaps, 11 Scotty Cameron putters, a half dozen empty beer cans, several golf instruction books, several dozen unopened letters from Adam Scott, and a bunch of green beads, all of which had been ejected from the SUV as it hurtled down #10.

"When I got to the shed, I went into the bathroom to answer the call of nature, only to find something very strange going on in there," gasped Canjoosee.. "Dios mio! I think it scars me for life! Like that day I see Senor Allen playing golf in a dress! Ay, caramaba!"

Unbeknownst to Canjoosee, Francis, Crowley, or their new friends, they were all being watched by GM Ron Woolard, via a network of close circuit cameras he'd installed around the club. As an unfortunate aside, it was this same surveillance system that had led to the recent dismissal of LCCC's former course superintendent, where he was caught on video putting too much soap in the ball washer on #11 tee, causing him to exceed his maintenance budget for the month and prompt his dismissal.

As Woolard watched the pre-party unfold on the screen in front of him, it became evident that things were getting out of hand, leaving him no choice but to cancel the Pub Crawl before the rank and file membership arrived and was asked to partake in the lesser-known St. Patty's tradition depicted on the following video.  While ClubCorp initially filed a restraining order to suppress the video (citing internal HR policy), The Hosel Rocket was successful in obtaining the footage via the protections afforded our citizens through the U.S. Freedom of Information Act. Be advised, it is not for the faint of heart.

GHIN & Tonic

Handicaps have been updated effective 3/15/13. Please check the computer this week or http://www.ghin/ for your updated handicap index.

Better Ted Than Dead



WWTBD = What Would Ted Borek Do?

MIAMI, FL (UPI) - During his press conference prior to this week's Cadillac World Golf Championships at Doral, the world's #1 ranked player, Rory McIlroy, offered a lengthy and visibly sincere apology for his abrupt withdrawal in the middle of the second round of last week's Honda Classic.

Seven over par after eight holes and looking at another potential bogey or worse after his second shot on the par-5 18th landed in the water, McIlroy suddently withdrew from the tournament without finishing his ninth hole of the round. An hour later, he released a statement saying a sore wisdom tooth had made it impossible for him to continue, a claim that was met with some suspicion by the sporting press and dentists everywhere.

“Obviously I had a lot of time to think about it,” McIlroy said. “I realized pretty quickly that it wasn’t the right thing to do. No matter how bad I was playing, I should have stayed out there and gutted it out, just like my good friend, Ted Borek. When I heard what happened to Teddy last week at Las Colinas, and how he gutted out the rest of his round, the shame was just too much to bear. I had to apologize."

The incident referenced by McIlroy occurred last Saturday at LCCC, where Borek had parked his push cart at the base of the hill on #13 before walking up the hill to the tee. In an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Tom Francis explains what happened next from his vantage point on the #13 green.

"I had a ten-foot putt for birdie, and had just lagged it to about eight feet. As I was preparing to rake it away for my par, all of a sudden I heard this clattering sound behind me, and turned around just in time to see Teddy's cart topple into the pond! Apparently he didn't set the hand brake, and a gust of wind blew it into the water. I didn't know whether to shit or go blind!"

Meanwhile, Borek was oblivious to what had just occurred below, the elevation of the #13 tee obscuring his view of the pond and his golf bag sinking below the surface. In a grand gesture of sportsmanship, your humble editor grabbed his camera phone and ran down the hill, snapping a few quick pictures of the submerged wreckage for posterity before hoisting it out of the water and leaving it on the shore to drain.

David Oliver, one of Borek's playing partners, provides some fascinating insight on the balance of the round. "Well, if that bag wasn't a mess, it was going to do until the mess got there. There was pond scum, used condoms, rusty fishing lures, empty beer cans, turtle shit, and all sorts of fish flopping out of every pocket on the bag. I figured the empty beer cans were in Ted's bag to begin with, but the rest of the stuff must have weighed about 100 pounds, especially with all that water in the bottom. Teddy did his best to dry it out, but it was impossible."

After emptying the pond out of his bag, Borek attempted to play on by wrapping a small towel around each hand before gripping the club. He soon discarded this method after being told by his playing partners that his flying towel follow through was reminiscent of a woman hanging wash on the line on a windy day, something Borek deemed a tad too effeminate. Deciding to forego the twin towel technique, he resorted to gripping the club as tightly as possible, but according the Oliver that proved ineffective as well.

"Every time Ted swung the club, all this water came spraying off the grip. It was kind of like being on The Maid of The Mist at Niagara Falls, or standing next to a big-ass sheep dog shaking himself off after a bath. We were all getting soaked just from playing with him, and it was amazing that he managed to finish his round. I think that little Mick could learn a thing or two about grinding from Teddy. There's no quit in him!"

And learn is apparently just what McIlroy did. After leaving the course to retire to the comfort of his hotel suite at The Breakers in Palm Beach, McIlroy flipped on The Golf Channel and caught the live footage of Borek coming in on #18, looking for all the world like a man who had decided to play golf inside a running car wash.

"I'd say it was a bit humbling," said the young Northern Irishman, sporting a new bracelet on his right wrist bearing the inscription WWTBD?  "Here I go dropping out of a bloody PGA event where I was defending champion, all because my fooking new goddam Tiger Woods-Nike-piece-of-shit-compared-to-a-ProV1-ball landed in the hazard. This bloke's entire bag ended up in the hazard, yet he kept playing with only $20 on the line. There's a powerful lesson here, and years from now I believe I'll credit Ted Borek for making me the great player I hope to become, once my Nike contract runs out and I go back to playing Titleist."

Bunkergate: Epilogue

After only five years, two general managers, 34 PowerPoint presentations, one exorcism from Pope Benedict, 364,721 bladed sand shots, three broken wrists, a cacophony of profanity, and one partridge in a pear tree later, our beloved investor owners at KSL/ClubCorp finally agreed to pry open their coffers to restore our bunkers to private club conditions.

"OMG! These bunkers look like hell!"

 "I don't know what all the fuss was about", offered ClubCorp CEO Eric Affeldt, interviewed recently by The Hosel Rocket. "You're not supposed to hit into the damn things anyway, and there's more important places that our company needs to be investing that money. Like my bonus, for example. Or fractional ownership in a Gulfstream. Plus, I kind of liked it that President Bush referred to LCCC's sand traps as 'Eva Brauns' - you know, two shots in every bunker! Hilarious!"

Despite coming off as prickly as a man who'd just been hit with a cattle prod, Affeldt quickly switched gears. "Look, I understand that the bunkers were an embarrassment, and that we put this project off far too long while continuing to gouge...err...I mean, increase dues for our Full Golf members each year.  I get it. However, be assured that it's not the last capital improvement project that you'll see at LCCC in 2013. You just wait and see!"

As Affeldt excused himself to call his broker, our intrepid reporter managed to purloin a copy of the 2013 ClubCorp capital improvements plan for LCCC, detailed on a cocktail napkin that also contained a couple of phone numbers and a short grocery list.  As a result, THR is pleased to be the first to report two exciting new projects to enhance our members' golf experience.

The first - hold your breath - is the addition of soap to the ball washers on each hole. The second is the result of a new partnership between KSL and an Australia-based paper company (Thunder Down Under, LLP) which will introduce new toilet tissue to the on-course restroom adjacent to Holes #5 and #12. A brief promotional video from TDU, LLP is attached.