She Blinded Me - With Science!

As the dormant turf has made it increasingly difficult to find even the straightest of shots at this time of year, Bob Gats and Todd Wilson are the latest in a long list of savvy duffers who've switched to optic yellow ammo, and enthusiastically report that the ease in which they can find these day-glo pellets has shaved both strokes and time off their rounds. 

In a moment of inspiration, Tim Unverzagt reports that he's developed a most interesting scientific application for high-optic technology. Formerly a fixture in our weekend golf scene, Tim mysteriously vanished from LCCC last fall shortly after a long business trip to Asia. Following an anonymous tip that led him all the way to Japan, The Hosel Rocket's own investigative reporter Geraldo Rivera recently spotted Unverzagt on the streets of Tokyo, as he was seen stepping out one evening with a posse of comely companions. It was then that the mystery of Tim's disappearance was solved.  He'd been doing market research for his latest invention.

"Do you know how hard it is to find a petite Asian woman at night in a dark hotel suite?", lamented Unverzagt to Geraldo, both ladies men of epic reputations.  "I got tired of stubbing my toe coming back from the john, or when I stepped out in the hallway behind the ice machine to have a smoke. At first, I tried duct taping their cell phones to their foreheads so I could call their number and find them when their phones lit up, but it turns out duct tape doesn't stick very well to Mazola oil, and the damn things kept falling off."

It was then that Unverzagt revealed his invention - glowing dental implants. "Just think about it, there's really only a few areas on a woman's body that I'm really interested in, and what better place to start than the mouth?  I just call their name - or names, depending on the evening - and I just walk toward their smile.  It's perfect!  I haven't stubbed my toe - or anything else - in over a month."

Please see the following video for highlights of the recent field trials of Tim's invention.  Truly amazing!

Who's Your Caddy?

Ten Best Caddy Remarks*

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

* Courtesy of Jim Welch.

Muskrat Love

While the last five days of wintry weather have rendered our golf course unplayable, the recent deluge of ice and snow has been a boon for the course's muskrat population, with ever increasing families of these large rodents seen swarming the banks of the ponds on #13. As the pond's ecosystem has gradually been depleted of fish, frogs, and other staples of food for Ondrata zibethicus, Joe Wisdorf reports that these furry critters have begun foraging for food in the yards of residents off #12.

Upon encountering a particularly aggressive muskrat in his garage last Thursday morning, Todd Wilson saw opportunity where many would have seen a problem. Pulling a three-iron from his golf bag, Todd deftly dispatched the little intruder with a single blow ("first solid contact I've made with that club in two months"). In a moment of inspiration, he skinned the dead muskrat with a divot tool, affixed the pelt to the antenna of his car, and drove around University Hills for 30 minutes until it dried.

Then, using a sewing machine borrowed from Cipriano "Inspector Columbo" Robles, Todd turned the pelt into a woman's purse, which he presented to his wife, Victoria, as an early Valentine's Day gift last Friday night at Bugatti's Ristorante in Dallas.

"After all, what do you give the woman who has everything?", mused the nouveau fur trader, posing with his creation as Cip and Rick Smith nodded approvingly. "Any putz with a few bucks can buy a woman a mink, but nothing says 'I love you' more than muskrat, particularly when you've made it yourself. Plus, just wait until she sees the matching thong I made for myself. I'm saving that for Valentine's Day."

Coming Soon: 2011 TGA League Play




THE BRONZE BEAR
TGA LEAGUE PLAY - 2010

Now in its 7th year, the 2011 TGA League Play series features eight-man teams from clubs across the Metroplex squaring off in match play competition. Matches are played in a home-and-away series over the course of the season, beginning the first week in March. Regional winners advance to the Statewide Playoffs, culminating in a championship match for the title that will be played at the Horseshoe Bay Resort on May 20-23.

Teams are made up of 8 players from the same club, playing a weekly match against the other clubs in our conference (to be determined during the week of February 15-18), which last year included Royal Oaks, Ridglea, Mira Vista, Bent Tree, and Dallas Athletic Club. We will play each team twice on a home & home basis, and the team with the best record in the conference advances to the state playoffs.

Individual team members must be male golfers over the age of 21 and have an active GHIN number with a handicap Index of 18.4 or less. This is primarily a NET competition with the exception of the #1 and #2 player match which will be played at scratch from the back tee. #3 and #4 players will also be playing from the back tees with a maximum handicap of 8. Players 5 - 8 will be playing from the middle tees with a maximum handicap of 18.4. All skill levels are encouraged to participate.

I've agreed to return as captain and chief cat herder for this year’s LCCC squad, and will be looking for players to fill out the 8-player roster for each of our matches. If you are interested in representing Las Colinas in one or more these matches, please click here, and I will add your name to the list of new and returning players.

For more information on the TGA and the 2011 TGA League Play competition , please click the link on the right column.  Thanks.