Dirty Balls?

Let's face it, we all get to the point every now and then when the inside of the golf bag begins to resemble a shag bag, chock full of faded balls bearing scuffs, grass stains, skid marks, tree bark, and other detritus acquired during their often crooked journies around our course.

When it's time to get some new ammo, the discerning duffer is confronted with two choices: load up in the pro shop or local golf discount store, or replenish your bag from what can be harvested from the ponds around our course (requires $3.00/ball mineral rights fee, payable to Bob Dray). As each of these options can prove quite expensive, it's important to take good care of those Pro-V1's, Bridgestones, and Flying Ladies (Tim, FYI, this is not a social networking site for stewardesses).

To that end, LCCC has asked me to remind everyone that ball washers are provided adjacent to every tee box, which will keep your pellets as sparkling white as the day they were purchased from your retailer or Dray. For those stubborn, hard to clean balls, the attached video from the USGA will provide further instruction on how to keep those little guys squeaky clean.

Lucky or Good? Why Not Both!

Second only to the "Tastes Great or Less Filling" debate, the question as to whether it's better to be lucky or good is one that has stumped some of the greatest minds in the history of civilization.  Now, thanks to Bob Dray, the answer to this conundrum of all conundrums has now been revealed.

"Lucky or good?  Why not both?!", says the crafty veteran, shown here during a 1962 appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, performing under his stage name, "Dray The Magnificent". He recently put his hypothesis to the test in front of a group stunned onlookers during a recent round of golf at LCCC.

Finding his drive resting atop a bed of algae in the culvert right off #14, and eschewing a drop and the associated one-stroke penalty, Dray withdrew a battered hybrid from his bag, and hit his second shot from the concrete-lined hazard to the grove of trees left of the fairway. From there, he hit his third shot from 140 yards to 25 feet, and proceeded to drain the putt for a miraculous par save.

Moments later on #15, and after snap-hooking his drive into the trees left of the fairway, Dray demonstrated that his feat on #14 was a mere warm-up act. Rather than take his medicine and punch out into the safety of the fairway, Dray took dead aim at the flag some 160 yards across the water, and hit a low, sizzling approach out of the trees that took one skip off the water, cleared the pond's retaining wall, and finally came to rest on the collar of the green. Moments later, he got up and down once again to save par, brandishing his putter like a magic wand as the ball fell into the hole.

"Executed just as planned," deadpanned Dray The Magnificent. "Anyone can hit these greens from the fairway - what's so special about that?"  For more examples of where it's better to be lucky than good, please see the following video:

Carter Says "Prostata Non Grata"

Get well wishes go out to our good friend, Frank Carter, who recently decided to take a little time away from work and golf to bid farewell to his long-time friend, Emilio Prostata. Here's a photo of Frank in a farewell embrace with little Emilio, who has since embarked on a new career as a wrestler in the Mexican lucha libre circuit, where he is competing under the moniker "El Pequeño Ano Najarian".

Frank has asked me to let everyone know that he's doing well, and that he looks forward to being back on the golf course by November 1 and rejoining our weekly games of chance.  We wish him a speedy return.

Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves

The Hosel Rocket has recently learned that a militant band of gypsies from the breakaway republic of Tomfrancistahn has been sighted prowling the grounds of LCCC. Wearing garish clothing and disguises to protect their identities (see Tom "I'm Mad As Hell" Francis and Greg "I'm Not Going to Take It Any More" Ferguson, pictured above), Homeland Security officials have determined that these incursions are most likely nothing more than a covert effort to determine when they plan to rejoin the action at LCCC, now that our greens have returned to a condition more befitting a private club rather than a goat ranch.

When encountering one of these poor, displaced souls, please make every effort to be courteous. Make sure they can find their way to the locker room. Point them in the right direction of the #1 tee. Remind them that they are entitled to all of the free tees, ball markers, divot tools, and golf pencils they can carry. Last but not least, please remember to be gracious to these traumatized, former members-in-exile when taking money from them when they deem the course suitable for rejoining their fellow members in competition.

Welcome back, boys.