Technology...As a Weapon?

FU KIU, CHINA (UPI) - In the latest in a series of crackdowns by Chinese officials to restrict public access to internet content, a Texas businessman was the unwitting victim of government sting in this sleepy fishing village on the coast of Dimsung Province.

Dave Schmertz, a Dallas area resident, was arrested by Communist Party officials in his hotel suite at the Fu Kiu Charlez, when the hotel's internet security software detected what it believed to be an illicit arms transaction in progress.

"I told these idiots that 'The Hosel Rocket' was a website, not a weapon," said an infuriated Schmertz, cursing alternately and loudly in English, Mandarin, and Cantonese. "I was catching up on email when I decided to check THR to see how the boys did in last week's TGA match at Mira Vista. The next thing I know, a group of soldiers is kicking down my door and dragging me out in handcuffs. &$@#*!!!  史智修!!!!!"

"Silly, silly American. Trying to tell us this new American weapon really a golf club? What next? Tiger Woods really a tiger? Bear not shit in woods? A few months of doing the people's work at PF Chang's make soften him up, then you see truth come in," stated General Sum Ting Wong, a local government official. "In the mean time, we will make ready our air defenses against this new Hosel Rocket." 

After being roughed up, given a wedgie, and having both his PC and ClubCorp ONE card taken away for explosives residue testing, Schmertz was made to kneel down in the street until the PF Chang's courtesy vehicle arrived. In a stunning turn of events, he found himself face-to-face with his fellow LCCC member, Tim Unverzagt, who had also been arrested at the Fu Kiu Charlez, after having been found in his hotel suite with 10 young women who turned out to be contestants in the local Miss Fu Kiu pagaent. Astonishingly, each was found to be wearing glowing dental implants.

"Hey, hey, hey! You better not touch my girls or my stuff or you're gonna' get it, dontcha know?! It's market research! You betcha! Market research!!", Unverzagt was heard screaming at Communist Party officials, as they inspected the glowing grills of his giggling, jiggling companions before hauling him away for interrogation.

In a related story, actor Richard Gere announced that he's stepped down from his role in the "Free Tibet" movement in support of the Dalai Lama, and will be directing his efforts toward a new cause, which he is calling "Give 'Til It Hurts - Free Dave Schmertz!".

"Unverzagt? Well, as far as I'm concerned, that guy got what was coming to him, and he needs more women in his life about as much as Tom Francis needs another putter. But Schmertz? The dude simply was in the wrong place at the wrong time, kind of like when I decided to divorce Cindy Crawford. I can't get that one back, but at least I can do my part to get this guy extradited back to the U.S."