Lost in Translation

HONOLULU, HI (JULY 18) - Police were summoned to the Me Ke Aloha Love You Long Time laundromat last evening when an argument between the laundromat's owners and a vacationing Texas resident turned ugly.

According to local authorities, Michael Jackson stopped by the establishment to wash some undergarments that were soiled earlier in the day during his round on the nearby Mauna Kea golf course. Upon entering the laundromat, the owners, Mr. and Mrs. Lei Ying Lo greeted Mr. Jackson with a hearty "mahalo", a traditional Hawaiian greeting.

Apparently still heady from his pre-vacation runaway victory with partner Tom Francis in the President's Club #3 qualifier, and feeling slightly ornery after soiling himself after a botched approach to #18 at Mauna Kea, Mr. Jackson purportedly responded "Mahalo? No, the name's Fabulous. Mr. Fabulous. And you'd be wise to remember it."

"Fabulous!"

In an unfortunate linguistic twist of fate, it turns out that the phonetic Polynesian pronunciation of the word "fabulous", loosely translated, means "if my dog had a face as ugly as your wife's, I'd shave it's ass and teach it to walk backwards."

Stunned by the apparent insult to his wife, Mr. Lo responded by kicking Jackson in the testicles, as Mrs. Lo jumped on his back and began to administer a noogie to the top of his head. Disoriented and reeling in pain from the kick to his junk, Jackson began spinning wildly around the laundromat in an attempt to dislodge Mrs. Lo from his back, eventually throwing her across the laundromat into an open clothes dryer.

Deftly retrieving a quarter from his pocket, Jackson put the coin in the slot, slammed the door, and started the dryer, cackling with delight as Mrs. Lo began to tumble end over end, with a fabric softener sheet protruding from one of her nostrils.

When police arrived at the scene, the two men were locked in hand-to-hand combat, Jackson attempting to blind Mr. Lo with a spray bottle of Shout while Lo pummeled Mr. Jackson over the head with a 32-ounce bottle of Tide.  Both men were subsequently handcuffed and taken in for questioning, with assault charges against Jackson later dropped in exchange for his agreement to be immediately deported back to Dallas.

Mrs. Lo was taken to nearby Don Ho Memorial Hospital, where she was treated for static cling and bumps and bruises, and held overnight for observation.