"It's something that's was bothering me for a while," lamented Peterson in an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, "and I guess I was just a little uneasy about someone putting a knife so close to...you know...my junk. However, when my physician told me about one of his other patients and the courage he displayed in agreeing to this same operation, I thought it was time to man-up and get it over with."
In blatant violation of at least 10 different HIPPA regulations, Peterson's physician, Dr. Hugh G. Rection, went full-disclosure on what got Peterson off his ass and onto the operating table.
"The term 'sports hernia' is somewhat of a misnomer," stated Dr. Rection. Most people who experience this injury are not in the least bit athletic. The hernia itself is typically induced by engaging in activities intended to make one appear as if they're athletic, such as stringing Christmas lights, walking to the mailbox, or attempting to coax a golf ball into the hole. Such was the case with one of my other patients, Mr. Tom Francis."
"In my professional opinion, it was this last action that was the source of Tom's injury, a sudden, violent spasm of lower body movement that weakened the muscles of his abdominal wall. In Mr. Peterson's case, the very same injury was caused by being tackled repeatedly by the likes of Brian Urlacher and Clay Matthews, so you needn't have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night to be able to draw some pretty accurate conclusions as to the relative athleticism of these two patients."
After performing a detailed physical examination, Dr. Rection concluded that the injury occurred when Mr. Francis conceded himself a six-foot par putt on December 22, 2012. "The sudden, simultaneous movement of arm and hip created while raking the ball away from the hole, commonly known as Ferguson's Syndrome, created an excessive amount of torque in his lower extremities, causing the tear that ultimately necessitated the surgery," offered the doctor. "I hope he at least won a skin on that hole."
As for Mr. Peterson, all it took for him to agree to the surgery was a quick chat with Mr. Francis, the promise of a yellow Hello Kitty bandage for his incision, and a free tour of Cowboys Stadium. He agreed to undergo the surgery next day, while Mr. Francis predicts that his fellow sports hernia survivor will at full speed when training camp opens in August.
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