Better Ted Than Dead



WWTBD = What Would Ted Borek Do?

MIAMI, FL (UPI) - During his press conference prior to this week's Cadillac World Golf Championships at Doral, the world's #1 ranked player, Rory McIlroy, offered a lengthy and visibly sincere apology for his abrupt withdrawal in the middle of the second round of last week's Honda Classic.

Seven over par after eight holes and looking at another potential bogey or worse after his second shot on the par-5 18th landed in the water, McIlroy suddently withdrew from the tournament without finishing his ninth hole of the round. An hour later, he released a statement saying a sore wisdom tooth had made it impossible for him to continue, a claim that was met with some suspicion by the sporting press and dentists everywhere.

“Obviously I had a lot of time to think about it,” McIlroy said. “I realized pretty quickly that it wasn’t the right thing to do. No matter how bad I was playing, I should have stayed out there and gutted it out, just like my good friend, Ted Borek. When I heard what happened to Teddy last week at Las Colinas, and how he gutted out the rest of his round, the shame was just too much to bear. I had to apologize."

The incident referenced by McIlroy occurred last Saturday at LCCC, where Borek had parked his push cart at the base of the hill on #13 before walking up the hill to the tee. In an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket, Tom Francis explains what happened next from his vantage point on the #13 green.

"I had a ten-foot putt for birdie, and had just lagged it to about eight feet. As I was preparing to rake it away for my par, all of a sudden I heard this clattering sound behind me, and turned around just in time to see Teddy's cart topple into the pond! Apparently he didn't set the hand brake, and a gust of wind blew it into the water. I didn't know whether to shit or go blind!"

Meanwhile, Borek was oblivious to what had just occurred below, the elevation of the #13 tee obscuring his view of the pond and his golf bag sinking below the surface. In a grand gesture of sportsmanship, your humble editor grabbed his camera phone and ran down the hill, snapping a few quick pictures of the submerged wreckage for posterity before hoisting it out of the water and leaving it on the shore to drain.

David Oliver, one of Borek's playing partners, provides some fascinating insight on the balance of the round. "Well, if that bag wasn't a mess, it was going to do until the mess got there. There was pond scum, used condoms, rusty fishing lures, empty beer cans, turtle shit, and all sorts of fish flopping out of every pocket on the bag. I figured the empty beer cans were in Ted's bag to begin with, but the rest of the stuff must have weighed about 100 pounds, especially with all that water in the bottom. Teddy did his best to dry it out, but it was impossible."

After emptying the pond out of his bag, Borek attempted to play on by wrapping a small towel around each hand before gripping the club. He soon discarded this method after being told by his playing partners that his flying towel follow through was reminiscent of a woman hanging wash on the line on a windy day, something Borek deemed a tad too effeminate. Deciding to forego the twin towel technique, he resorted to gripping the club as tightly as possible, but according the Oliver that proved ineffective as well.

"Every time Ted swung the club, all this water came spraying off the grip. It was kind of like being on The Maid of The Mist at Niagara Falls, or standing next to a big-ass sheep dog shaking himself off after a bath. We were all getting soaked just from playing with him, and it was amazing that he managed to finish his round. I think that little Mick could learn a thing or two about grinding from Teddy. There's no quit in him!"

And learn is apparently just what McIlroy did. After leaving the course to retire to the comfort of his hotel suite at The Breakers in Palm Beach, McIlroy flipped on The Golf Channel and caught the live footage of Borek coming in on #18, looking for all the world like a man who had decided to play golf inside a running car wash.

"I'd say it was a bit humbling," said the young Northern Irishman, sporting a new bracelet on his right wrist bearing the inscription WWTBD?  "Here I go dropping out of a bloody PGA event where I was defending champion, all because my fooking new goddam Tiger Woods-Nike-piece-of-shit-compared-to-a-ProV1-ball landed in the hazard. This bloke's entire bag ended up in the hazard, yet he kept playing with only $20 on the line. There's a powerful lesson here, and years from now I believe I'll credit Ted Borek for making me the great player I hope to become, once my Nike contract runs out and I go back to playing Titleist."