Day 1: Arrival

After safely navigating the Atlantic crossing on Thursday evening, all 16 members of our merry band - and, miraculously, 16 sets of golf clubs - arrived safely in Edinburgh on Friday.  While the flights were on relatively on-time and all baggage arrived with each respective passenger, there were a couple of minor snafus.

An Executive Platinum-level international traveler, Gil was disappointed to find that the American Airlines gate agent didn't greet him by name at DFW, nor did he provide him a courtesy upgrade to First Class. Forced to travel in the relative squalor of Business Class (where he was accompanied by Jeff, Mike, Tim, and your humble editor), Gil tried to drown his sorrows in a glass of pre-departure champagne, which he promptly spat out on the bulkhead.

"What the f*ck is this swill!, Asti Spumonte!?", wailed Gil. "I wouldn't wash my ass with this stuff, let alone drink it. In First Class, they serve the real stuff."  He then drank two Heinekens, popped an Ambien, pulled on his sleeping mask, and snoozed like a baby all the way to London, sucking his thumb in blissful contentment.

Meanwhile, in Seat 11B, Tim was confronting his own demons, the first in the form of a Portuguese five-year old in the adjacent aisle seat whose behavior suggested he might be possessed by demons (which his mother attempted to quell with what appeared to be the world's largest pacifier), and the second a raging nicotine fit that would reach almost unbearable proportions upon arrival at London Heathrow Airport.

After eight hours on the plane without a cigarette, Tim found that Heathrow is a smoke-free airport, meaning he would need to wait until we arrived in Edinburgh some four hours later to light up. Pacing feverishly up and down the terminal while cursing the British, Jeff managed to keep Tim from suffering a nervous breakdown by pulling out his iPad and firing up a cigarette lighter app, where the flame magically appeared from an ersatz Zippo with the brush of a finger. Tim proceeded to curl up in a fetal position in a remote corner of the terminal with the iPad, flipping the flame on and off maniacally while we waited to board the flight to Edinburgh.  Safely on the ground in Scotland, Tim made a mad dash to the curb, lighting four cigarettes in rapid succession until his equilibrium had been reestablished.

We were then greeted by our driver, Andy, who spoke in a near unitellligible, rapid-fire Scottish brogue that was evocative of a man speaking with marbles in his mouth.  Once in St. Andrews, we disembarked from the bus, checked into our lodgings, and proceeded to the nearby Dunvegan Hotel for a welcome dinner. After a few cocktails and a hearty meal, we emptied out into the streets of St. Andrews at 9:45 PM, where some repaired to the pubs while others called it a night after a long night and day of traveling.

All in all, a great start to the trip.

A Gathering Storm

It was nearly one year ago that a plan was born in the 19th Hole of LCCC. Resonating with all the force of a loud fart off a wooden church pew, it was a plan of such audacity that it succeeded in bringing a sudden hush over the large faction of our membership assembled in the 19th Hole, watching the final moments of the 150th Open Championship from St. Andrews.

"It's not the Carpenter Cup, but it'll do"

As Louis Oosthuizen's final putt dropped on 18, capping an unexpected runaway victory that earned him the coveted Claret Jug, a lone voice with a distinct Tony Soprano accent was heard to say: "Hey, we ought to go there some time."

Stunned, all heads turned in unison toward Gil Hollander, who was spooning a Twosome Salad into his jaws with all the precision of a man tossing mulch into a wheelbarrow in high winds. Pausing momentarily to wipe a bit of chicken salad from the ceiling fan above his head, Gil said "I'm serious. We should go. It'd be freakin' oo-ah-some."

Editor and Son - Swilcan Bridge, 2006

Faster than you could pronounce "Oosthuizen" (Note - as this story went to press, Mike Withrow is still trying), an acclamation spread like wildfire through the 19th Hole, with man after man pronouncing himself ready, willing, and able (pending permission from his wife) to make the trip to the birthplace of golf.  Having made the journey for the first time in 2006, your humble editor offered to take on the job of coordinating the trip, with the initial cattle call going out that night to all LCCC members interested in getting on the list.

Dates were soon identified, tour operators vetted, and pro forma financials subsequently confirmed. When a U.K.-based tour operator was selected in late August and initial deposits requested the following month, a total of 20 hardy souls had signed on to make the trip to Scotland, dates set for July -13, 2011.  The group subsequently and unfortunately shrunk by four due to unanticipated conflicts by:

• Rick Smith (wedding)
• Wes Hameline ("He doesn't look good in a kilt. I had to put my foot down." - Elizabeth Hameline)
• Todd Wilson (new job with Constellation Energy; overseeing construction of world's first Vespa-powered nuclear plant in Waxahatchie).
• Mike "Button" Bowers, whose abstract: "Personal Injury Lawyers: Objects Aren't The Only Things That Are Closer Than They Appear" was selected as the keynote address to for the 2011 American Ambulance Driver's convention in Bossier City, LA.

And so it was after nearly a full year of planning, the august group of Chris Allen, Frank Carter, Blewett Gardner, Troy Good, Gil Hollander, Jeff Holshevnikoff, Mike Jackson, Tom Keffer, Danny Lowry, Matt Miller, Jim Milligan, Ty Underwood, Tim Unverzagt, and Scott Wenning will depart this Thursday for The Old Sod (not to be confused with Bob Dray's yard), accompanied by the father and son tandem of Bob and Brian Birt.

"Where's Chris A-a-a-a-a-llen?"

The group will arrive in Edinburgh, Scotland on Friday, where we'll be whisked to our accommodations off the 18th fairway of The Old Course in St. Andrews. From this base of operations, we'll mount our assault on some of the most historic courses in Scotland (including Carnoustie, Kingsbarns, Crail, and The Old Course), while also terrorizing pub owners, restaurateurs and sheep (Chris Allen) by night.

Tune into THR each day for the highlight's of that day's events (which may include some golf), delivered via the miracle of the worldwide web direct to your PC!

Separated at Birth

In this week's mail bag, Tim Unverzagt shares his belief that somewhere in this world, we all have a "twin" with whom we are not related, yet share a striking resemblance.

In this case, the subject is Tom Francis, whom the editor of The Hosel Rocket recently compared to the late Roy Orbison, both for his preference for wearing oversized sunglasses and the fact that he, too, can sometimes be found on the wrong side of the sod.

"I disagree, dontcha know. Tom looks more like that blind country singer, Ronnie Milsap. Plus, his putting matches Ronnie's, too!"

 

Up The Creek: TGA League Play Match #6

It was another long day for the boys from LCCC in last Thursday's TGA League Play at Royal Oaks CC, where the visitors were vanquished by a final score of 24-12.

The team did not go down without a fight, as evidenced by the efforts of Jeff "The Mad Russian" Holshevnikoff, shown here blasting out of the creek on #18 in a successful effort to halve his match against the #1 player from ROCC. Thanks also to Mike Shearburn, John Ehlert, Jerry Haas, Mike Bowers, Byron Barlow, Dan Costello, and Bill Dearing for making the trip over to Royal Oaks and for representing Las Colinas.

With a record of 1-5, LCCC finds itself locked in a fierce battle with Mira Vista for last place in DFW Conference "C". The team next plays this Thursday at home vs. first place DAC (2:00 PM), so please click here if you're interested in getting in on the fun.

Technology...As a Weapon?

FU KIU, CHINA (UPI) - In the latest in a series of crackdowns by Chinese officials to restrict public access to internet content, a Texas businessman was the unwitting victim of government sting in this sleepy fishing village on the coast of Dimsung Province.

Dave Schmertz, a Dallas area resident, was arrested by Communist Party officials in his hotel suite at the Fu Kiu Charlez, when the hotel's internet security software detected what it believed to be an illicit arms transaction in progress.

"I told these idiots that 'The Hosel Rocket' was a website, not a weapon," said an infuriated Schmertz, cursing alternately and loudly in English, Mandarin, and Cantonese. "I was catching up on email when I decided to check THR to see how the boys did in last week's TGA match at Mira Vista. The next thing I know, a group of soldiers is kicking down my door and dragging me out in handcuffs. &$@#*!!!  史智修!!!!!"

"Silly, silly American. Trying to tell us this new American weapon really a golf club? What next? Tiger Woods really a tiger? Bear not shit in woods? A few months of doing the people's work at PF Chang's make soften him up, then you see truth come in," stated General Sum Ting Wong, a local government official. "In the mean time, we will make ready our air defenses against this new Hosel Rocket." 

After being roughed up, given a wedgie, and having both his PC and ClubCorp ONE card taken away for explosives residue testing, Schmertz was made to kneel down in the street until the PF Chang's courtesy vehicle arrived. In a stunning turn of events, he found himself face-to-face with his fellow LCCC member, Tim Unverzagt, who had also been arrested at the Fu Kiu Charlez, after having been found in his hotel suite with 10 young women who turned out to be contestants in the local Miss Fu Kiu pagaent. Astonishingly, each was found to be wearing glowing dental implants.

"Hey, hey, hey! You better not touch my girls or my stuff or you're gonna' get it, dontcha know?! It's market research! You betcha! Market research!!", Unverzagt was heard screaming at Communist Party officials, as they inspected the glowing grills of his giggling, jiggling companions before hauling him away for interrogation.

In a related story, actor Richard Gere announced that he's stepped down from his role in the "Free Tibet" movement in support of the Dalai Lama, and will be directing his efforts toward a new cause, which he is calling "Give 'Til It Hurts - Free Dave Schmertz!".

"Unverzagt? Well, as far as I'm concerned, that guy got what was coming to him, and he needs more women in his life about as much as Tom Francis needs another putter. But Schmertz? The dude simply was in the wrong place at the wrong time, kind of like when I decided to divorce Cindy Crawford. I can't get that one back, but at least I can do my part to get this guy extradited back to the U.S."

Oh, The Humanity!

"IRVING...WE HAVE A PROBLEM"

The boys from LCCC journeyed west yesterday to the outskirts of Fort Worth, where the team did battle with hosts Mira Vista CC in the 4th TGA League Play match of the 2011 season.

Dispelling the myth that a long car trip can offset a shortage of talent, and in a conflagration that made the Hindenburg disaster look like a popcorn fart, the visitors took it on the nose by a final score of 22 1/2 to 13 1/2, dropping the team's record to 1-3-0 on the season.

Leading the way for LCCC was the team of Dave McCallum and Mel Robinson, who snatched 7.5 out of 9 points in the #5-6 positions, with the teams of Mike Shearburn/Jerry Haas and Dan Costello/Adam Whitehead bringing home the balance of the bacon. Finally, kudos to the team of Scott Wenning/Mike Bowers for safely making it through the Scratch flight competition without a scratch (or a single point).

Next up for the Bad News Bears is Royal Oaks CC, where the team will travel next Thursday, April 14. A pep rally will be held for the team in the La Vista Room at 2:00 AM on the morning of the match, with complementary cocktails and LCCC divot tools provided to all ONE members in attendance.  Come cheer on the team!

And Now You Know

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an old golfer who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Sir, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Kind sir, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply....

"I outlived all the sons of bitches."