Health Officials Fear Nelsonitis Outbreak

DFW area health officials are bracing for a stronger than normal strain of Nelsonitis, an debilitating illness that affects a wide population of the Metroplex each year during the HP Byron Nelson Classic.


When asked what can be done to stop the spread of this malaise, retired US Surgeon General C. Everett Koop offered the following: "We took the brightest scientists we could find at the Centers for Disease Control, and deployed them at last year's Nelson to determine the root causes of the disease", reports Dr. Koop. "It seems that once our subjects entered the grounds of the tournament, they went straight to the Pavilion where they consumed massive quantities of beer. In turn, this precipitated some very bad choices involving car keys and women that, in many cases, had lasting repercussions."


In an effort to prevent an epidemic of Nelsonitis at this year's tournament, the CDC has prepared the following educational video. You've been warned.