Fit To Be Tied: 2012 Mi-Tee Cup Wrap-Up

Draft night hijinks, unbridled competition, the first ever finger condom, and a back nine meltdown that rendered the Hindenburg disaster a mere popcorn fart by comparison. All this and more made the 10th annual Mi-Tee Cup Challenge one of the most memorable in memory, as a 24-24 tie allowed The Blue Menace (aka, Team USA) to retain the Cup as defending 2011 champions.

"Get me Deion. Or Withrow."

The fun began on Friday night where the brain trusts of the each team (Dave Schmertz and Cipriano Robles for Team USA; Bill Douglass, Jerry Haas, and Scott Wenning for Team Texas) went about their business with the same ruthless efficiency as Jerry Jones goes about his on draft day (only in this case, with some knowledge on how to draft talent).

After winning the coin flip, Captains Schmertz & Robles made their first selection, from which the player draft unfolded at a breakneck pace. As each player called marched somberly to the dais to receive their coveted blue or red hat, the gamesmanship began in earnest, with Team Texas making perhaps the boldest pick of all in drafting up to take the consensus All Irrelevant, Chris Allen, in the middle of the draft.

"What the f*ck?!", 48 voices exclaimed in unison.

Allen, resplendent in a mink scrotum sportcoat and serving in his customary role as politically incorrect Mi-tee Cup draft emcee, strutted to the podium with his 14 handicap in tow, cackling with delight as he plucked his red Team Texas lid off the table, discretely flipping the bird to the Team USA captains as he walked by. When James Cassels was selected as the last player in the draft, wresting the title of Mr. Irrelevant from Allen, not a soul in the room had any idea of the serendipitous turn of events that awaited these two combatants on Sunday afternoon.

In Saturday morning's Best Ball matches, the Red Hats prevailed by a score of 6 1/2 to 5 1/2, with the Blue Hats turning the tables in the afternoon Alternate Shot matches by an equivalent score, allowing both teams to finish Day 1 of the tournament tied at 12 points apiece. So fierce was the competition, that Byron "Long Ball" Barlow and Randy "Mr. Magoo" Levy were still seen clinging to the pant legs of Charles Hardy and Wenning in the 19th Hole a full hour after defeating them 1 Up.

The Stohr Finger Condom. Patent pending.

On Sunday, the two sides paired off in 24 Singles matches to decide the tournament. As with the prior day's action, the matches featured some incredible competition and momentum swings. Jim Quirk, in an epic display of sportsmanship, graciously spotted Mike George an eight-hole lead before battling back to come up just short, while Rick "Nine Finger" Stohr, turned in a heroic performance just days removed from a serious stemware mishap to defeat Jim Mason, earning another critical point for Team Texas. 

"IF ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES NEED ME,
I'LL BE IN THE CARD ROOM..."

As the combatants gathered around the scoreboard, watching the last of the matches come down to the wire, it was clear that the final match of the tournament would decide the Mi-Tee Cup, in which Chris Allen held a four-up with five holes to go lead over James Cassels. It was shortly thereafter that a huge fireball was seen over the course, confirming that Allen had inexplicably gone down in flames, bested by Cassels (no longer Irrelevant) in each of the last five holes, allowing Allen to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in a manner that would make Tony Romo proud.

At first, it was as if a concussion grenade had rendered them all unable to move or speak. The Blue Hat team stood dumbstruck at the scoreboard, not comprehending what had just occurred in the final match. Then, realizing that Cassels' heroic comeback would earn them a tie in the tournament and allow them to retain the Cup, 24 blue caps were thrown up into the air in celebration, as pandemonium broke out among the boys in blue. Bob Dray was so excited, he bought a new golf shirt. Blew Gardner fired up some Run DMC on his iPod and began breakancing on top of his golf cart. Nick Martin broke out his hairbrush, while Tom Francis was so excited that he kissed Gil Hollander full on the lips. A stunning turn of events.

Letting the Blue Hats enjoy their moment, and gracious in defeat, the Red Hats offered congratulations to their opponents, while everyone repaired to the 19th Hole for post-tournament libations and the presentation of the purse to the tournament honorees, Mike and Tee, bringing the 2012 Mi-Tee Cup to a close.

Congratulations to the members of Team USA - Dave Schmertz, Cipriano Robles, Diron French, Mike George, David Hoover, Randy Levy, Byron Barlow, Frank Carter, James McCaffrey, Mike Shearburn, Mark Najarian, Chris Weinzirl, Bob Dray, Nick Martin, James Cassels, Rodney Isom, Bob Blakely, Todd Wilson, Brandon Annett, Blewett Gardner, Gil Hollander, Jim Mason, and Robert Singletary. 

See you again next year.