"What's He Got, Rossy?" "He's Got No Shot, Kenny"

When the pin is back left, the wind is swirling, and your ass is puckered up tighter than a snare drum, selecting the right club to hit on #17 can be a most daunting proposition. As David Oliver demonstrates below, selecting the right club for one's second shot can be even more daunting, with a litany of swing thoughts that can run through one's head:

• Will the curb come into play on my follow-through, causing the ball to hit me in the nuts?
• Will the bark embedded in the dimples of the golf ball affect its flight to the hole?
• Will I be assessed for the damage I caused to the cart when I hit it with my tee shot, knocking the roof off of its moorings?
• I know one of these assholes has their camera phone out, and I'll probably see it on The Hosel Rocket.

Dray Crashes Bola. Next Stop - Hollywood!

In preparation for the upcoming 2012 La Buena Bola, The Hosel Rocket is pleased to reprint the following story from the 2010 Bola.

In the most brazen breech of etiquette seen since Dave McCallum's bowels caused an on-course rest room to burst into flames, Bob Dray successfully crashed the party at this week's La Buena Bola Member-Guest tournament.

Photographed above in the 19th hole, Mr. Dray first began to arouse suspicion when he attempted to enter the tournament Skills Challenge, and was subsequently found with a shopping bag containing three sleeves of Pro-V1 golf balls, a pair of new sunglasses, a golf shirt with tournament logo, and eight hot dogs.

"What's all the fuss about?" commented Dray. "The club said it was a member-guest event, not a member and guest. If I had known I had to bring a guest to get all this free stuff, I would have gladly done so. Though I've already eaten the hot dogs, I'll gladly return the rest of the stuff. The shirt was too big anyway, and the logo made my arm itch."

In a serendipitous turn of events, a prospective new golf member, actor Owen Wilson, was at LCCC yesterday during a brief trip home from Hollywood, and observed Dray being escorted off the property (sans shopping bag). In learning of Dray's attempt to crash The Bola, Wilson found the perfect theme for the long-awaited sequel to his blockbuster 2005 film, Wedding Crashers.

"Dude, I gotta' tell you, 'Bola Crashers' is going to be HUGE," Wilson said in an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket. "A movie about an old dude who has more more money than God, yet gets his kicks from crashing golf tournaments for free swag?! It's going to sell a ton of tickets, and I'm totally stoked that Bob agreed to sell us his story. We're flying him and his entourage out to Hollywood next week for screen tests, and we've already got Clint Eastwood on-board to play his stunt double. If all goes well, we intend to cast John Ehlert in the role of his golfing sidekick, kind of like a modern day Hope and Crosby duo."

Look for Bola Crashers in theatres near you during Labor Day weekend. Congratulations, Bob!

Health Officials Fear Nelsonitis Outbreak

DFW area health officials are bracing for a stronger than normal strain of Nelsonitis, an debilitating illness that affects a wide population of the Metroplex each year during the HP Byron Nelson Classic.


When asked what can be done to stop the spread of this malaise, retired US Surgeon General C. Everett Koop offered the following: "We took the brightest scientists we could find at the Centers for Disease Control, and deployed them at last year's Nelson to determine the root causes of the disease", reports Dr. Koop. "It seems that once our subjects entered the grounds of the tournament, they went straight to the Pavilion where they consumed massive quantities of beer. In turn, this precipitated some very bad choices involving car keys and women that, in many cases, had lasting repercussions."


In an effort to prevent an epidemic of Nelsonitis at this year's tournament, the CDC has prepared the following educational video. You've been warned.

Great Moments in Golf History

April 28, 2012 - Buck Stout makes a hole-in-one on the 4th hole at Las Colinas CC, and goes on to defeat Bill Crowley in the 2012 LCCC Men's Match Play Championship.

June 12, 1950 - Ben Hogan drills a 1-iron to eight feet on the 72nd hole, winning the 1950 U.S. Open at Merion Golf Club.

April 8, 2012 - Bubba Watson hooks a wedge from the woods off the 10th fairway at Augusta National Golf Club, propelling him to victory in the 2012 Masters.

April 1, 2012 - Nick Martin drains a tricky four-foot putt to save 13 (net 12) on the 18th hole of Las Colinas CC.

Rocket Clubz

As a reminder, tomorrow (March 30) is Demo Day at the club, with a large selection of putters, irons, wedges, fairway woods and drivers available for test drive from a wide range of manufacturers.

Some, it seems, couldn't wait for Demo day to arrive. Fed up with all the marketing hype around TaylorMade's RocketBallz club line, Todd Wilson is the first member of LCCC to play with the new RiverRocket, Model H20.

"Wilson! Come back Wilson!! WILSON!!!"

Manufactured by Nike, this 460-cc, ultra-stiff, weapon of grass destruction features an innovative titanium cavity that delivers a perfect combination of balance, distance, control and, when needed, buoyancy.

With a distinctive head cover crafted from the finest mink scrotum, the RiverRocket is on sale now in the pro shop at a discounted price of $499.  Put one in your bag, and you'll never have to worry about carrying the river to the left of hole #5 again.

Flushed...with Pride

Whether wielding a deck of cards, a ball retriever, or his checkbook, Bob Dray is a guy who plays to win, a philosophy he has always applied to the political arena as well.

"Fork it over, buttercup. Its
for a good cause. Trust me." 


A staunch liberal and generous donor to the National Democratic Party, Bob was recently appointed by Vice President Joe Biden to lead the Irving chapter of the 2012 Obama-Biden re-election campaign.

Taking on his new responsibilities with the same determination he brings to emptying our ponds of golf balls, Bob made what he thought was a generous contribution to the campaign war chest of the Democratic Party, but one that ended up coming back to bit him on the ass.  Literally.

"Look, anyone who knows me understands I recently had surgery on my hand, and it affected my handwriting a little," lamented Dray in an exclusive interview with The Hosel Rocket. "I wrote a check for $2,012 to 'Obama Biden', but it's obvious those idiots in Washington couldn't read my writing."

A quick visit to a warehouse in a sketchy section of Highland Park revealed the consequences of Dray's wobbly penmanship. "Those damn knuckleheads shipped me 2,012 Obama Bidets; the money was supposed to go to the re-election campaign. I know I have 12 bathrooms in my house, but what the hell am I going to do with the other 2,000?" 

"Dray's Oval Office"

In a classic example of turning lemons into lemonade, Dray applied his entrepreneurial genius to create a new business model for his new inventory of personal hygiene products.

After first consulting with road construction magnet Bob Armstrong ("Bob's Barricades") to verify that there would be no trademark infringement issues, Dray announced the launch of his new business, "Dray's Bidets" last week on ABC's Good Morning America, and his plan to rent out official President Barack Obama Bidets to LCCC members on a monthly basis.

"Look, summer's coming, and everyone gets a little case of swamp crotch after a round of golf in 95-degree heat. What better way to refresh yourself after four hours of golf (six, if you're Tom Francis) than with a quick trip to Dray's Bidet's?," gushed Bob. "Plus, if you're a ONE Member, I'll throw in the second unit at the same cost."

"If Herb Kohler could make money on this stuff, why can't I? Who knows, if this business takes off, I just might build my own golf course, just like he did with Whistling Straits."

In a related story, AVID Golfer magazine has announced that their May edition will feature a sneak preview of a new, ultra-exclusive golf club that will open later in 2012. Located in Dallas on the shores of Bachman Lake, The Links at Porcelain Trace is expected to surpass Dallas National Golf Club as the preferred club for the most discerning golfers in the Metroplex.

Look for the issue next month on newsstands everywhere.

R.I.P. Winter 2011-2012

With a recent run of glorious weather, and our fairways and trees turning a brighter shade of green with each passing weekend, it's apparent that Old Man Winter has left town, leaving his older brother, Bob Dray, to fend for himself for another year.

"How to find dis place, Cool River?
I hear day have Beaver dere."

As such, Commission Carter has decreed that Winter Rules are hereby suspended effective this weekend, along with the grip-length of relief that we've enjoyed through soggy conditions over the last several months. However, as we prepare to go back to playing the ball as it lies, not everyone is pleased with the arrival of spring at LCCC.

"I'm packing up zee traps in tree days and heading home", announced Pierre "Pepe" LePelt, the nomadic French Canadian fur trader, part-time golfer and seasonal resident of the grounds of Las Colinas Country Club. 

"Too many golfers on course now - scare away all zee animals," lamented a forlorn LePelt.  Muskrats? All hidink. Woodchuck? Same ting. And zee beaver? Oo la la, Francois love zee beaver, even da ones wit four legs. But day all gone, too."

When asked if the indigenous bird, fish, and vermin population would be enough to sustain his trapping and fur trading business until next winter, LePelt was unequivocal. "Normally, oui. But one a dem golfers iss out dere keeling all da birts, feeshes, and rodints with da golf ball. Merde! I don't who dees sheethead iss, but if Pierre catch im, he wring hiss scrawny neck!"