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The Hosel Rocket has obtained an advance copy of the statement that Tiger Woods will read tomorrow morning at his press conference in Ponte Vedra Beach, FL. Kudos to our intrepid roving reporter, Sean "Geraldo" Charnock, for this scoop.

“Thank you for coming. I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for the behavior that caused so much turmoil and pain for my family and fans. First, I would like to publicly apologize to my lovely wife Elin whose curiosity, temper, strength, and financial shrewdness I underestimated. My life would have been much easier if I had simply said no to the dozens if not hundreds of waitresses, bartenders, prostitutes, hotel maids, strippers, blackjack dealers, WalMart cashiers, sandwich artists, pedestrians, professional shoppers, and dog groomers who asked if my Escalade was comfortable with the seat down.

“I would also like to apologize to golf fans everywhere for letting them down. You counted on me to either be true to Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – or at the minimum, use my fame and fortune to score with better than the waitress from Perkin’s, who looks eerily similar to the Meredith character on “The Office”.

“As you can see, my physical scars have healed. My emotional scars were attended to at a facility in Mississippi. My financial scars? The bleeding continues. My marriage will be strong again as the trust with Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – is rebuilt through my one-day-at-a-time approach to my addiction which led to so many thrilling yet ultimately unpleasant interludes in the Escalade, with the exception of those with the waitress from Perkin’s. Those cannot be explained other than to say they were unpleasant from start to finish and if anything should reaffirm in the mind of my wife Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – and the collective mind of America that I am a sex addict, it is my repeated dalliances with her.

“Please allow my family to continue healing without further intrusion. I will return to competition at Arnold Palmer’s Bay Hill Invitational. Please respect my privacy. Please respect the privacy of my wife Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world. And for those of you who may have enjoyed a respectable payday from time-to-time at the expense of my addiction, please do not wait on me, deal to me, dance for me, clean for me, or approach me while wearing fishnet stockings and a short leather skirt."

"Thank you”